Will things ever get better?

Mollycat · ‎29-12-2015

My husband has been on anti depressants for about 10 yrs. He is a very good person and a very good dad to our 3 boys (2, 6 &8).He goes periods of being fine, but when he drinks, even in small amounts, for the next week he picks fights with me, analyses everything I say, threatens to leave etc. He will shout at me in front of the kids, and inevitably I shout back because I am so desperate not to fight any more. Despite him seeing a number of psychologists over the years, he refused for a long time to acknowledge the role that alcohol plays in his depression, and even when I used to beg him to slow down or stop, he wouldn't. This over the years made me incredibly resentful of him, as it is so obvious to me that his depression can be managed with the right self care. When he is low, he tells me it is all because of me, and that I don't respect him or love him enough, or speak nicely to him enough. The sad part is, now what he is saying is true because I have been worn down so much over the years. He only seeks help when I get to breaking point and he gets scared of losing the kids. The last time he agreed with his specialist that he shouldn't drink anything. He ended up giving up alcohol for 6 months, and I started seeing a change in him and our relationship. Our business was struggling and we were both under incredible stress, but despite this we seemed to be managing ok. Then one night out of the blue I had a phone call - he had been found unconscious after an accidental heroin overdose. The whole six months he stopped drinking, he was secretly using heroin. I have stuck by him because I am terrified that he will keep using drugs if I kicked him out, and I do care about him. Since it has happened I have had an incredible amount of resentment build up, waiting for him to make up for what he's done, as if magically his huge mistake might shake him into action. Now our business has failed, we are having to sell our house. He isn't coping and neither am I. Instead of recognising why he is stressed, he still blames his depression on me and has started back on small amounts of alcohol. I am now stuck in a terrible position where I know his depression is an illness, but I'm so angry, I say terrible things thinking it will jolt him out of it as I'm so desperate for him to wake up to what he is doing to our family. I have begged him to start taking care of us. My kids think the world of him and he thinks the world of them. Is there a way I can get over all of this?

pipsy · ‎29-12-2015

Dear Mollycat. The only person who can help your hubby is him. It's not surprising you've been a bit nasty to him, people can only take so much abuse before they start biting back. If he is using heroin, I would be concerned now about you and your kids. They need to know they're safe. You may have to look at what you want, if he can provide what you want. He is not going to change until he either wants to or has to. He has to take responsibility for his actions, you need to be able to provide your kids with a happy, safe environment. If it was me, I would look at maybe either asking him to leave, or finding somewhere else to live. He is blaming you for everything because it's easier to blame you than it is to face himself. You are accepting the blame because you're scared, that's no way to live. Whatever he does it is not your fault, he is a grown man. Once you get past the 'self blame' feeling, you will realise your kids need you more than he does. I would just tell him straight, either get help or find somewhere else to live. The kids will 'bounce back', they're resilient, just explain dad's sick and needs help that I can't give him.

You don't have to 'put up' with his problems.

Mollycat · ‎30-12-2015

Thank you Pipsy. I asked him to stay somewhere for a few days to give the kids a break from listening to us, and now he is angry at me. He is unable to recognise the context within which this is all happening.

I know what I have to do, but I am so sad about it. I worry for him and I worry for the kids. All I ever wanted for them was to be in a loving family, because I wasn't. I am so sad that he isn't desperate to make things better. and I am worried about the extent to which he thinks this is all my fault.

pipsy · ‎30-12-2015

Dear Mollycat. Is it possible for you to go somewhere with the kids? I am more concerned for your safety than his. Once you are away from him, either him leaving or you, you will be able to think more clearly. It's sad that he is unwilling to accept responsibility for his actions. Whether he's blaming you or not, you need to be safe. He's only blaming you because it's easier. People who hurt people do blame the victims, they rationalize their actions by saying it's your fault, you made me angry, you made me hurt you. You've done nothing to cause this situation, it's his mistake and he has to face up to it. If you are that concerned, if there a threat of violence, could you contact the police to see if there's a 'safe house' you and the kids could go. You don't have to tell the police about his substance abuse (that's your choice), all you need to tell them is, you're worried about violence to you and the kids. It is not your fault, it's his choices that's done this damage. You and the kids need to be safe. You obviously can't talk to him, you need to act.

Please, think about calling the police if you are in danger. That's what they're there for.

Mollycat · ‎30-12-2015

Hi Pipsy, it is ok he is definitely not violent. I do feel safe, but also tired and frustrated. but we do need to separate as our constant arguing isn't helping anyone. And I can't force him to change. He is a very good dad and nice person and it breaks my heart to see what is happening to him. But I am sick of being unhappy too. Thank you for your support.