Where is the line between being supportive and being taken advantage of?

motherdaughterwife · ‎27-02-2015

My husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 9 years ago. He has been taking medication all this time, although with mixed results. He sees a psychiatrist on and off, has been more resistant to seeing a psychologist. He accepts his diagnosis, but doesn't accept/work within the limitations the illness creates. He gets snappy, grumpy and withdrawn. He has put our neighbours off-side. He starts household repairs/maintenance/renovations but doesn't complete any of them. He is unable to work. I bought a business 6 months ago in a effort to build some financial security for us and our 2 children (9 and 6). I barely keep up with washing, shopping and sometimes cleaning. He has started preparing one or 2 meals a week and gets the kids off to school, but apart from that does nothing. He watches TV and sleeps.

Our yard is a mess - full of bits of "useful things" that he keeps for when he's going to fix that thing or make that whatever. And the grass/weed is up to our knees. I'm embarrassed to invite people to our house. It's not at the level that would see us on one of those TV shows about hoarders, but even he recognises that his thinking is a lot like the people you see on those shows.

I'm at the point of paying someone to come in and clear everything out, but I want to show him respect at the same time.

Am I being taken advantage of? We've talked about it - both calmly and not-so-calmly. Neither approach helps and the not-so-calmly option usually causes him to shut down, so is worse than doing nothing.

All feedback will be welcome.

Pixie15 · ‎27-02-2015

Hi motherdaughterwife,

Welcome to the forums. I saw your response on another thread and thought it was very helpful.

Your post reads like my history. When I first met my partner he was in the military and the discipline that imposed on him really made him a different person. He just can not push himself to do anything.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life doing it all, earning the income, house and garden, all the children's school events etc etc you need to do something to sort out your boundaries. The alternative is ending up like me grey haired and wrinkled before your time.

I did CBT a couple of years ago which helped me to reestablish my life. This might help you.

Grateful.

CrashCoyote · ‎28-02-2015

Hi motherdaughterwife,

I am 51yo male with depression and anxiety. Five kids. Two ex wives.

My feedback to you would be that although I think that in a relationship partners should stick by each other and support each other though tough times, this can only work if both are trying.

You say your husband won't do the things he has to do to manage his condition. You cannot possibly help him if he isn't trying to help himself. You cannot build a bridge from one side!

I agree with Grateful, you have some choices to make and they will determine the type of future you have. At the very least, how about you contact the 1300 number here or (if possible) see a counsellor or psychologist about your feelings?

For the record, I am very mindful of my conditions and work hard every day to be mindful of my behaviours. I am in a relationship now and I always try to think through things before I take a position on them or speak out. I ask myself if my actions are roughly "normal" because my conditions can make me unreasonable. I know that if I want to keep someone in my life, I need to have something to bring to the relationship and, at the very least, not do anything to harm it.

Kind regards, John.

white knight · ‎28-02-2015

Hi MDW, welcome

Good replies there from Grateful and John

To answer your specific question - "is he taking advantage of me". I'd say not intentionally...but in the end the result is yes.

I'm guessing that the back yard for example is on his mind but he cannot find the capacity to clean it up. So you bringing up the topic is , well, "pushing him".

This behaviour I would label a "rut". He doesnt mean to be in this rut and in the end you are the one that picks up the workload which isnt fair at all and need to be attended to. So what can you do without world war 3 arriving.

Can you try having a family clean up day? That way the back yard task isnt directed straight at him. Can you begin to clean the back yard up yourself and hope his guilt gets to him? What about talking to him about it and give him a time frame of say 5 days? Go on the internet together and select the best day for the task in terms of weather.

Of course this is not the only issue. Your approach might need some polishing. "Goodbye darling (as you're off to work) and I'd love it if you could pick up those few things for me at the supermarket...it would save me going there after work".

Hope that helps.

Also use search to read these-

Caring for your 'well' partner

Motivation- search and rescue it

Talking to men- some tips

Does stubbornness have a place

Tony WK

motherdaughterwife · ‎28-02-2015

Thanks Grateful, John and Tony. I appreciate the encouragement , advise and constructive feedback. I've made an appt with a psychologist for myself and set a timeframe of end of March to have the yard cleared. If we haven't achieved it by then I will pay someone to come and do it. I can't help thinking that if we could get rid of all the clutter and eliminate the 'to do' list of house repairs/improvements it would relieve his anxiety. And I'd be a lot happier too!

i hope I can give you some positive news in a few weeks.

Thanks again, and I'm so glad to hear from people on both sides of the situation.

geoff · ‎01-03-2015

dear Motherdaughterwife, all the replies from my good folk have been excellent so there's not much I can add, but when a job becomes an enormous effort for someone with depression it's always 'put off', I'll do it tomorrow but tomorrow never comes, because it could be raining, too hot, too wet, or just about anything so it's never done.

I have to raise the question because most hoarders have OCD as he has anxiety.

Have you warned him that the deadline is in March, because that's 4 weeks away and so he won't worry yet.

I am so pleased that you're made an appointment with a psychologist and hope it goes well for you. L Geoff. x

motherdaughterwife · ‎03-03-2015

Hi Geoff,

I've spoken to him (calmly) about what I think needs to be done, and I've written it down. I'm prepared to help him make a plan and work with him to get the job done but the bottom line is I am no longer prepared to live in a mess. He started to explain what happens in his head when he thinks about doing anything - confusion, inability to think straight, not knowing where to start and then feeling exhausted and ill and then he lies down and goes to sleep. I reminded him that these are symptoms of his illness and maybe he should go back to his psychologist/psychiatrist because he doesn't seem to be managing as well as he used to. He didn't make much of a response, but I got the impression he hadn't thought of it like that. Its really hard to talk about it because he can't seem to find the words and because I think not talking about it allows him to avoid the issue and not acknowledge the impact it has on our relationship. So we don't talk about "us" or ourselves - all conversation is about "stuff' - logistics, kids - nothing personal. Polite affection. I can see us having nothing in common in 8-10 yrs when the kids are grown. I know this isn't limited to couples who live with mental illness, but it's even harder to nourish a relationship when one party is not social, has low self esteem and struggles to communicate. I guess I feel like I'm 90% carer, 10% partner. I miss the equal partnership of 2 capable adults, the social, outgoing motivated man I married and the longer he is unwell the less likely it is he will ever return.

Chris_B · ‎05-03-2015

Hi motherdaughterwife,

Welcome to the forums, and glad to see you've been getting some good support from our members.

You may also want to take also at the beyondblue guide for carers, as it is has some useful information about working through difficult issues with your partner, as well as looking after yourself.

The text below is taken from a section called 'Boundaries and goals':

At home, having structure and a routine can help set boundaries and bring some order to a life that may seem out of control. A daily or weekly plan that is visible and clear encourages positive behaviour, involvement in the household routine and looking to the future, even if only until the end of the day or week.

You can encourage the person to include the following in the plan:

treatment plans
medical appointments
stress-reducing activities such as walking, meditation, music, craft.

It’s a good idea to have realistic expectations about these plans and about what can be achieved. Acknowledge that some things may not get done. Don’t become despondent or discouraged if some of the set tasks aren’t achieved.

When working towards recovery, it’s also a good idea to set goals that are small and achievable. You may help the person to recognise any achievements and acknowledge the progress he or she has made, no matter how big or small.

This can instill a positive sense of accomplishment and these successes may provide an incentive for ongoing efforts.

Pixie15 · ‎05-03-2015

Hi motherdaughterwife,

I think that the information that Chris B has supplied from the Carers is very good. It is good to have some structure and some goals and some order.

From what you have written in your last post you seem to have given your partner an ultimatum and although it might work in your relationship from my experience it would just make things more difficult.

Have you thought about what you can do to try to encourage your partner to be the social, outgoing man that you married? Can you try to get him involved in social activities?

Grateful.

motherdaughterwife · ‎06-03-2015

Hi GT,

And Hi Chris B.

Good advise from the carers page. I had an appt this morning with a psychologist and she gave me very similar advise - we will work on that over the coming weeks. I am also going to be more pro-active about taking time to do things I enjoy - funny how I seem to fall to the bottom of my to-do list.

Hubby has been to see his GP - a good move.

Grateful, I find social situations challenging with my husband. He gets stressed and sometimes wierd when there are a lot of people around, so big gatherings are out. I'd have people to our house, but I'm embarrassed at its appearance. We visit a few friends semi-regularly but that circle is smallish as there are few people he feels safe and relaxed around. We try to go camping with a group a few times a year which we all enjoy and he can join in or withdraw as he needs to.

Today I feel like i"m in a tunnel and I'm assured by people ahead of me there is a light there if I just keep going. And I'm grateful there is a tunnel and not just a brick wall. So I keep doing what I can each day and trust I'll get through tomorrow too, but if nothing changes, nothing changes. If I want the future to be different to the recent past and present, I need some new strategies.

Thanks again for your feedback, and for caring enough to do so.

MDW.