When your world falls apart - Anxiety and Depression, Marriage breakdown as wife walks out on family

[lookingbeyond]

Hi Beyond friends

I have been with my wife for 27 years, happily married for most of them.

My wife has suffered from anxiety and depression for 13 years, largely self medicated to a degree. never seeing a psychologist until now. This led to myself being the one that took the strain and unknowingly taking on more of a role as the years progressed, both of us not recognising that the illness was the root cause. I became the main parent to our two children (13/16) being there and doing most of the meals, the grocery shopping, 90% of the sporting activities for them both. I would care for her and make sure she bathed and washed at times, otherwise it was her not looking after herself for 2-3 days at a time. Her anxiety was always a problem with driving. never wanting to confront it, have extra lessons.

Generally over the years i have been the one to guide her onto her medication, not realising that she had stopped at times as she did not want to see the doctor to get a repeat prescription, cold turkey each time. I was doing ok, noticing the signs until recently. I missed the last downturn due to focusing on the kids to much.

My wife always adored me for years. I have been her world (met 17/18 now 43/44)

She had an affair two years ago. its was hard, we got over it. kids knew as they were there when I found out. the guy used her, it was once but it was an affair that took a long time to heal. she wanted more than anything for us to reconcile, for us more than just the kids. I never told her I had forgiven her until recently when it came up due to what is happening now, went through all the stages of mistrust etc.

fast forward and had we just come back from a wonderful family holiday in Hawaii, everything was great with us.

about 6 weeks ago she just up and left us, no warning. I love you, just not in love with you. Kids become devastated and don't want her home, even with me explaining what it is. she came back and left again. but says she never left the kids, just me

she is now in a one bed apartment and we had to move into a smaller place. until then she was in hotels

She blames me for everything, controlling, not caring. she now has support from a few friends who say do what you feel is right, not seek help and don't make any drastic changes.

she now accepts her condition but at the cost I fear of our marriage. I love her and want her back in time, but she now feels its over. I am the source of it all.

So i now face my demons that I never knew I had

[white knight]

Hi LB welcome

And thankyou for a clear account of your situation

It is difficult for anyone in your circumstances to readjust after a marriage breakdown that ran for most of your life. It would only be harder if your children were younger imo.

So without spelling out my past which is well documented here, I found some key ways of coping.

Distraction- I bought a country block of land of one acre and spent time clearing it, a fire, built a shed etc eventually I built my home. Distraction helps even if you work more overtime/second job to fill in the hours. Better than dwelling.

Acceptance- sadly your wife said she isn't "in love with you". This feeling of hers is rarely reversed. For whatever reason she needs to find new love. It might make you feel a failure but its often not the case

Planning- to plan a life without her is to make personal goals that will b ring you some happiness. Hobbies, sport, even dating for company.

Pleasde google the following and good luck

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: rejection, its hard to swallow- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Lookingbeyond, I am terribly sorry she has left you, and with love, well you can still love somebody but aren't in love with them anymore, for example, I love a couple of my close friends of both sexes, my twin brother, definitely both my sons because my care for them extends to loving them.
I know how much strain this must have been for you, because it goes 24/7, and from what she has said back to you, well it could be the depression making her say that, however it has not only damaged you but also your two kids who don't want her to return home.
The short affair may have been done because she was feeling weak which someone knew about and the took advantage, anyway it wouldn't be pleasant at all for the three of you.
Now you must get help, as well as your kids, can I start with your kids, contact ReachOut and/or Headspace, these people wear jeans and casual clothes, this may make them feel much easier, you can also talk with them and they may suggest somewhere else to contact, but you can start with your own doctor.
You have been such a legend in what you have been doing, but now this hurt has been building up all this time, concealing how you feel, and by doing this it doubles the pain you're in.
Your wife has moved out, she has decided to do this and whether you want to get better first before contacting her, that's if you want to, but be prepared if she wants to contact you, that's your decision what you want to do, but take into account how your kids feel. Geoff.