Whe do you give up on them, when they will just refuse to admit any issue??

[Haunted77]

Some history....8 years ago my husband was diagnosed with severe depression after a breakdown, he was medicated. We went through a lot of turmoil, he started confiding in another woman and hid it from me, told me he didn't love me and sat the kids down and told them at Xmas, they were 7 & 8 at the time.

8 years on, we started a new life here and things were great. The last 2 years have been hurrendous. He stopped the medication around four years ago, but I seriously think he needs to get help again. He is so negative ALL the time. It doesn't matter how often he spends money, buys new cars, he is never happy. He snaps at everything and is paranoid that me and the kids are out to get him. He speaks to me like dirt and when I call him on it he says its me and I need help.

my eldest who is now 16, says his Dad is an example of 'how not to treat women'. This breaks my heart. We've been together 21 years and I miss him, the real him. I don't know this man, I get anxious when he calls me or whe he comes home, scared of what mood he's going to come home in. If I dare try and bring the subject up, he blames me (to the point I am now actually seeing a psychologist because he has got me second guessing myself).

when is enough enough? Do I just stick with it until he finally gets help? Or will there come a time when I've had enough of trying to be positive?

im heartbroken because I feel like I'm grieving for the beautiful husband I once had who has been replaced by this bitter, negative man.

Thanks you for any advice you can offer

[geoff]

hello, this is a sad comment and I feel for you and the kids.
I wonder why he thought that he could stop taking his medication and it could have been for many different reasons, and unfortunately this is what happens to people who stop, they only go back to how they were feeling before they started taking them, and is shown by his negative thoughts and his behaviour.
Your kids have watched all of this going on for a number of years and are not in favour of it, so the link between them and your husband has widened.
They may not understand why people need to take AD so as to control their negative moods, but it won't be long before they realise why he needs to take them, so the bond between you and them will only get stronger, with their suggestion that their father has to go, and you don't really know if he is still talking to this other lady behind your back, which he may not admit to, whether he is or whether he isn't.
Relationships change over time, and this could obviously be due to his depression, but there are so many other issues which could be the reason as well, and we can't expect to be with our spouse until we pass away, that's only a wishful ending, but many times doesn't happen.
If he has stopped his medication then there would be only a small chance he would want to seek any counselling, but that's what he does need, as well as go back to his doctor, but I don't think he will do any of this, which then leaves you and the kids, where you are now seeing a psychologist.
You have to think about what your kids would want and realise that by staying with your husband isn't the best choice to make, and then decide to tell him to go.
I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x

[Haunted77]

thank you. I am confident he has no connection to this woman any more and she still lives in the UK and we are here in Australia. Honestly, i am exhausted. He is away with work at the moment and I am relieved so I don't have to 'deal' with him at the moment.

I just wish there was a magic button to press and make it all go away!

[White_Rose]

Dear Haunted

I am so sorry that you are in this difficult and painful position. Depression can do such dreadful things to us and the saddest part is when we do not realise what is happening. Everyone else can see whats happening and wants to help. The sad truth is that neither you not I or anyone else can help your husband unless he wants to be helped. Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who is not emotionally involved, but this is the role of a psychologist etc. (and BB).

How did your husband get diagnosed with depression? Was there a sudden crisis where it was obvious he need help or was it a more gradual onset? I ask because I wonder if the steps that were taken at that time could be done again. I am a little confused by your story. I think you are saying you and husband did not separate eight years ago but managed to regain the joy of your marriage. In the past two years things have gone downhill again.

How long have you been going to the psychologist and has it helped? Have you discussed the questions you have asked above? Whatever you decide is the right decision but it does help to someone to talk to someone about the options. How is your mental health these days? You need to look after yourself for your own sake. Making yourself ill, or rather allowing yourself to become ill, is no use to you, your husband or children. Perhaps a visit to your GP to have a general checkup?

I wonder if there is something more happening here than 'just' depression. If you have a good relationship with your GP can you talk about your husband's changed behaviour? I think this is a legitimate discussion because your health is being compromised as well as your children. You are also becoming afraid which is not a good thing.

What are the options if you decide to leave? Can you go to your family, at least for the time being? As your children are still school age I imagine you don't want to take them out of school at the moment. Can you stay with friends?

One suggestion is that you write a letter to your husband. Discussions are non productive and you become distressed. So to avoid this happening, can you sit down and explain all your worry, your feelings about being shut out and your anxiety in a letter. Tell him you are not going to have an argument with him, you want him to understand how life is for you. Tell him you believe he should see your family GP. Once you have written this letter you may want to run it past the psych or your GP. Write in again.

Mary

[Haunted77]

Thank you Mary.

My husband took himself to the doctor after physically breaking down on his way home from work in the car, he was overcome with emotion, couldn't carry on his journey and was completely overwhelmed.

You're correct, we didn't seperate 8 years ago. I played things a little differently then as I told him if he wasn't happy he should move on and I wouldn't stand in his way....not sure if this kicked him up the backside to get himself together but he never left.

I don't have any family here at all, it's just the 4 of us. I am scared if I give up on him, then that will be it forever and I will never see the real him again. I know he's in there, but it's like he's been taken over by this 'thing' that won't let him go.

It's early days with my Psychologist at the moment and my GP is wonderful as is my boss. I am just getting to a point now, where I can see the future just slipping away if he doesn't wake up to how he is!

Am I brave enough to send him a letter? probably not because I know he will send me on a guilt trip for making him feel bad. It's very 'woe is me' at the moment.

He called this morning and was nice as pie, but last night was snappy and horrid. Maybe it's me making him like that? Maybe I'm the problem?

[Carmela]

Hi, I am so sorry you have to experience such difficult times. I can relate to your story as it has been similar to mine in the past.

As a spouse, I genuinely believe we go through a grieving process trying to understand why our partner is psychologically unavailable but physically present. I too experienced this for many years, questioning my purpose in the marriage and my self-worth. The pain and dislocation stripped me down to a point where l could not face another day. It was at my lowest point that l knew had to make some difficult decisions to save myself and the mental health of my child as he was seeing and feeling the disconnection and hurtful words spoken.

I sat him down and spoke frankly and honestly about my feelings in gently but loving manner. I asked that we see a marriage counsellor and sets some boundaries around how he treated me. If he refused, l had made plans to leave. I later wrote a letter to him, reiterating my feelings and confirming that l did love and care for him, even though he felt l didn't at times. As a spouse, we can only do and take so much of the depression roller coaster. There needs to be an equal give and take, towards respect and love. If he refuses to take medication and look after himself, there will be little room left in his consciousness to give you anything in return.

My recommendation right now is to look after yourself and your children. It is a wonderful positive step that you are seeing a psychologist. I hope you are sharing your concerns with him/her discussing coping and resilience strategies to push through this.

Please make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Build a strong network around you and be kind and forgiving to yourself. You are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.

Don't hesitate to connect with us again and let us know how you are going. We are here for you.

[Haunted77]

Thank you Carmela, you hit the nail on the head with him being physically present but psychologically unavailable.

I took some advice and put all my feelings down in an email, which i sent to him at 10am. I have yet to hear back from him. I reiterated how much I love him but also told him how I feel. It will go one of two ways I feel. It will either end things once and for all, which is not the outcome I want, but at least I will have a starting point to move on, or he will realise how it's affecting me and seek help.

Just opening up on here has made me feel a little more in control, and for that I am grateful.

[White_Rose]

So pleased you managed to write to to your husband. As you say it will be make or break time and that is a scary thought. I hope it will be the start of a new life for all your family.

I left my husband 16 years ago. Circumstances were very different to yours and my children were grown up and left home. But we had been together for 30 years and I was very afraid. I wondered if I could live alone. I stayed with him while the children were at home in the belief I could not make a good home for them on my own. So much for brainwashing, I coped very well. Yes I have my ups and downs but I would never go back to that situation.

As I said my situation was very different to yours but in the end it all comes down to making a decision. You have spelled out your feelings to your husband and it is now up to him to make a decision about his illness and your lives together. I hope you will continue to stay together and work on whatever is necessary. Please continue to write in here as we want to support you at this time.

Mary

[Haunted77]

So i had a reply last night and am hopeful we are turning a corner.

He told me he is sorry for the way I am feeling and that he loves me but he panics about losing his job, losing me, thinking one day he will not be able to provide for me or the kids eats him up. he admitted to letting his stress levels boil over but says that he craves to be listened to so he can let off steam without fear of being judged.

He apologised for making me feel anxious and said the thought of being without me breaks his heart. He admitted to feeling insecure, vulnerable and having low self esteem and anxious but was specific when he stated he isn't depressed.

He said he is proud of me as his wife even though he doesn't ever express it and admitted he id the thorn in my side and has agreed to see a doctor to talk through his anxiety and stress levels again, unwilling to accept the 'depressed' label.

He told me he loves me with all his heart and just wants to make me happy and that he wished he was 25 again not 40 and unfit.

Fingers crossed this will actually move us forward and now I face that I have past issues i haven't dealt with will also help.

It's the stigma of being labelled and judged and the thoughts of "why can't i just be normal and happy?"

I even went for a 3km walk with the dog this morning after not being out of the house for 3 days....I had to force myself, as i really didn't want to go, but I did go and i felt better for it!

Thank you to each and every one of you who took time out of their day to respond to my message, it truly means a lot!

[White_Rose]

Wow, what a remarkable turnaround. I am so pleased for both of you. It's not a guarantee things will work out but it has all turned around now and perhaps you can both find a way forward. I am really happy for you.

You are already seeing a psychologist and I think you have a good relationship with him/her. Realizing and admitting you have some issues is the first great step. I think it is the hardest. Will you go to the doctor with your husband?

As you say, It's the stigma of being labelled and judged and the thoughts of "why can't i just be normal and happy?" That's the question we all ask and so far there is no real answer. What we do know is that it is not the fault of anyone. No one wants to be depressed and I can see your husband's point of view. I know I denied it for ages. Whether he calls it anxiety or depression doesn't really matter at this stage so long as he gets checked out by your doctor.

Keep writing and take care of yourself.

Mary