What to do?

[Optimistically_speaking]

My husband has been battling depression for the past 8
years. We've seen a psych who has given him medication but unfortunately he
says what the psych wants to hear during the session and ignores it by the time
he’s got to the car. During this time, we as a family have been on a
roller coaster ride. Each time he's been
on a down slide, it has been due to stopping the medication; drinking to excess
or having a personal meltdown. Although he has been great with the kids, he's
been verbally abusive to me. On top of this at the end of each downer, he's
tried / suggested that he's not worthy to live anymore, should end it all etc.
Each time I've panicked, talked him out of it etc. and walked on eggshells
until he's come good. This time, he's hit the 'drink'; stopped his meds and
gone off at me and I’ve had
enough. I have tried my best to keep the
marriage /family together.He is well aware of the problems with alcohol; that
depression affects not just him but all of us. He seems to have
abandoned all thoughts of trying to get better. Instead, setting himself a path
of destruction etc. Does anyone know of a good counsellor in QLD who is
able to 'cut through the crap' I'm tired of being the 'strong one' in the
marriage and don't know how much more I can cope with. Has anyone had any
experience with this -- I’ve run out of ideas.

[blondguy]

Hello Optimistically

A Warm Welcome to the BB Forums

My name is Paul and I have had depression for many years.

I am very sorry for what you have gone through as a caring wife of a sufferer of depression. You are very strong to have posted and thankyou too!

Just getting to the first red flag I noticed and I quote

"he says what the psych wants to hear during the session and ignores it by the time he’s got to the car"

With all due respect to your husband I find his attitude not only a firm denial of his depression but also lacking in his responsibilities as a husband/father which is very sad as he is self medicating as well which is non productive to not only his illness but his family.

Even as a guy with depression there is no excuse for being aggressive towards a partner...Its just not on.

I have to very careful here as per the forum protocols but I have helped a few people personally (not on here) that have also mentioned that they are not worthy to live anymore and want to end it. Most...of the time it is a cry for help...and a call for sympathy but you are an intelligent and caring wife so you take his comments at face value..and fair enough too.

I am also an optimist, however when you mentioned that your husband has come off his meds and is relying on the alcohol that put up red flags....I have been on AD's since 1995 and my whole life has changed mainly because I wanted to change/heal. Your husband (and again with respect) doesnt get it that he has to accept help so in turn he can help himself where healing is concerned.

You can only do so much as a devoted and caring wife and mother of your children. You should not have to be the 'strong one' all the time...and contend with the roller coaster ride you have been on. Even as a sufferer of depression since the 90's its not just/fair/reasonable to take out my illness on my girlfriend in any way.

I am in Melb....So I cannot help you with a therapist in Qld. Even a good counsellor would need a patient/client that actually wants to be helped in the first place...

I hope I havent carried on too much here Optimistically ...but I do feel for anyone that is being used as a verbal punching bag when their partner wont truly accept help to help themselves...

You have great courage to post and thankyou. I do hope you can post back to us Optimistically

My Kindest Thoughts for you and I do understand where you are coming from

Paul

[geoff]

hello OS, well I tend to agree with Paul, in that what he says to his psych just to please him/her is basically denying that he has depression and these counselling sessions are a waste of time and a waste of your money, if you're not on a mental health plan.
Stopping his meds and to replace it by drinking alcohol, I only know from hindsight that it just delays the help he needs, but I too had to find out the hard way as I drank while in depression.
You have too much on your mind, so I think that you have to make an ultimatum with him, that he gets the help he needs or he has to leave, but it will no good saying this when he has been drinking, because it will mean nothing to him and an argument will only happen.
Pretty hard but that's what my (ex) wife said to me, although our two sons had moved out, but I didn't so she moved out and that was the end of our marriage.
I'm not saying that I want this to happen to you, but just saying.
A marriage can only 'stand the test of time', but when he becomes obstinate and doesn't want to help himself then there is very little you can do, but if the thought of not seeing his kids then this maybe all he needs.
I don't live anywhere near Qld but if you ring the BB phone number at rhe top of the page, I'm sure they will be able to help you.
Would love to see how you are getting on. Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear OS

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Paul and Neil have given you terrific advice. I want to add to this. We are here to help and support you, so what we say is said with concern for your well being and mental health.

I presume your husband is seeing a psychiatrist as hubby is being prescribed antidepressants. To change psychiatrists you will need a referral from your GP, unless you intend to pay the whole fee yourself without a subsidy from Medicare. I suggest you have a chat with your GP and explain how the situation is progressing, including the drinking, not taking the ADs and verbal aggression. Does your husband see the GP regularly? It is the GP role to monitor his progress and of course provide a referral every twelve months.

This means the psychiatrist should send at least annual report to the GP. A report at six months would be great but psychs rarely do this. Without a report the GP is flying blind and cannot decide if the patient is making progress, and therefore if a new referral is appropriate. Most GP also see the patient a few times during the year to check on progress.

How do you know what your husband says to his psychiatrist? Do you go in with him? Do you think the psych knows about the drinking? If you talk to your GP, when the next referral is due he/she can put this information in the referral letter. Possible the GP will write to the psych anyway after talking to you. I hope your GP has not given the psych an open ended referral.

Talk to your doctor about your own health and discuss options for you. You need someone to talk to face to face and GPs are good at this.

It is really sad your family has reached this point and I hope things will look up. Your husband needs to agree to go to a new psych, but I suspect if he sees someone who insists his participation in therapy by, for example, completing a homework task, he will leave the psych.

Optimist, you have my best wishes. Please continue to write in here.

Mary