Wanting to help someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

[chap10]

I have a friend with BPD and I want to help her. But I don't understand the condition. I have read a little bit about it and most of what I've read says that it's to do with constantly fluctuating emotional extremes, and tendency to have low self-esteem and self-harm. But this doesn't paint enough of a picture for me, it doesn't tell me how this person thinks and feels, and although I can talk to her about almost anything I feel extremely inadequate trying to talk to her about her mental health problems as she instantly shuts it down or changes the subject. I have mental health problems myself. OCD primarily. and have suffered through periods of depression and anxiety so I have a fair bit of lived experience but I don't know what is going on in her head at all. I know there are probably kind people her with BPD, I'm wondering if you would like to chime in to maybe help me out here?

[james1]

Hello chap10,

I have traits of BPD and I think the #1 thing is to make sure you are safe. I think the internet is a bad place for BPD with lots of terrible stories. But the one thing they do get right is to put yourself first because your job is to be independent.

Treatment for BPD is primarily about boundary setting.

The two main therapies are DBT and Scheme Therapy. The basis behind the first is crisis management and emotional control. The basis for the second is what they call "limited reparenting" - being a supportive, but not overbearing or overly helpful parental figure to the patient.

I would highly suggest not doing trying to practice any of these therapies with your friend because, from the sounds of it, they do not want to engage with you on their core issues. This is okay. It needs to be dealt with by someone who is not a friend, but is a professional. But feel free to have a read about the therapies because they can give you a little bit of insight into how deeply seated these issues are.

So as long as you maintain healthy boundaries, you are doing more than (probably) what most people in your friend's life have done. The next would be encouraging them to see someone about it and to support them in that process. If you can be an ear - but not a voice - for their recovery, that's the best help you can give.

Hope that helps

James

[Victoria_Bell]

That's so kind of you.Im sure she really appreciates your company.Maybe a nice Lunch at a nice location so they can relax & be free.Gradly find out likes & dislikes & go from there.I also appreciated driving and chatting.God bless

[Doolhof]

Hi Chap 10,

Welcome to the community here. It is wonderful you want to help your friend. If she shuts down and changes the subject, that seems a clear indication she does not want to discuss the issue. Just being there for her may be the greatest help you can provide.

There may be a time when she will open up about her experiences, or she may still be totally confused about how she perceives life and does not know how to express it herself.

BPD runs in our family, My Mum, myself and another family member suffer from it. My Mum would not admit it though, even if she was diagnosed 100 times.

SANE Australia have a very informative section on BPD. Have a look at that.

I feel the main thing you can do is to accept your friend for who she is, be aware of her BPD so you are safeguarded against possible attacks, and be open to listen to her, if she decides to share with you. Some people just don't feel comfortable talking about the issues no matter what they are.

Cheers to you from Dools

[Myfamfirst]

Our kids are struggling with the diagnosis of their mums BPD, it is a step in the right direction as prior diagnosis's aimed at depression and anxiety. Supporting my now ex through this experience is a very hard thing to fathom as a single father of two girls. It has helped me reach out to the local support networks. As a friend Chap10, just use those great ears of yours. That's all you can do. Its extremely difficult for someone with BPD to open up, even after a 10 year relationship (My experience) I wish you the best for the future. I am just holding her hand through this and will always be here for her, my kids will see that and hopefully it vests those supportive values on them.