Trying to Support someone who can't and won't accept a situation

Trying_to_be_Supportive · ‎04-02-2016

Hi I'm new to this forum thing!

I'm with a partner who was cheated on by his ex-wife for two years (has been separated/divorced for two years). I know he has come so far in the fact that we are in a relationship. We have the benefit of knowing each other and being friends for 12 years and having had a previous relationship together back all those years ago.

He has 2 daughters which he adores and has 4 of the 7 nights during the week for all the school essentials etc.

I myself have been separated for 2 years and have 2 boys. My relationship with my ex is very amicable and we have great communication and agreements in place. So I do kind of know what he's going through.

My current partner doesn't have that. His ex has no remorse for what she did and uses his girls as leverage against him financially, emotionally and against the best interest of the girls. He won't take her to court to get a better custody arrangement because he is so frightened that the court will make them go to a week on week off arrangement and he can't cope without seeing them for that long.

He is struggling to accept that he doesn't have the girls under his roof everynight and despite everyone's advice saying he has to make the best of a bad situation, accept it is what it is, and learn to accept it, he has really been struggling with this. He can't and won't accept it. His emphatic statement.

My issue is I don't know what to do for him or say to him. I listen and let him have his say when he does actually talk. I've pretty much said I don't know what to say to he can't and won't accept the situation. He won't go to court because of his fear! He's convinced that because he's a father the court will favour the mother. I want to help but I don't know how. He won't go and talk to someone professional - refuses! He's not depressed in his mind. He knows what the issue is - the girls aren't with him. His ex has moved in with her latest boyfriend and he has concerns that drugs are being used in the house and he can't do anything about it.

I know you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. But I can't just sit back and do nothing.

I just want to be there and support him the best I can - but I'm lost as to what to do.

I'm starting to feel drained and verbally attacked at times for trying to support him and I'm not prepared to just walk away. That would be the easy option.

PatT · ‎05-02-2016

Hi there,

That's quite a difficult spot you're in. I acknowledge that he doesn't want to speak to anyone in the legal sphere about it, but could you on his behalf? Not suggesting that you go and start a family courts trial or anything but if you had a bit of concrete legal advice on what would be likely to happen then you could decide whether it's really worth pursuing or if it's better left untouched. You don't have to tell him if you don't come up with anything useful but if you did then it could be the motivation he needs to start some legal action.

Like you said, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped but you could create some inquiries. Just a suggestion.

Trying_to_be_Supportive · ‎06-02-2016

Thanks Pat. I have spoken to a solicitor friend and there would be the potential for the situation to go either way it would appear. So he's not prepared to risk the fact that he has them most of the week to potentially going longer periods of time without seeing them on a 50/50 split. He just wants them one full weekend a month. The mother when she does have them, leaves them with the new boyfriend or friends most of the time as she likes to party and socialise without them. Instead of letting the girls be with their dad when she wants to do this, she farms them out to other people. But all this stuff doesn't matter in the eyes of the court it would seem. My partners has been isolating himself from people and family. Doesn't go anywhere social and has even started to distance himself from me. But he's not depressed in his opinion. He just wants to be by himself in his words. Yes everyone needs time to themselves. But he sits there and constantly analyses and festers on things that have happened or been said. I really don't know what else I can do. I don't know that there will actually be a point where he will seek help on his own - or the I can't keep thinking like this moment, I need to do something about it will happen. I just worry that the world is better off with out me attitude might win out!

Guest_1695 · ‎06-02-2016

Hi Trying to be Supportive,

Ah, it is very hard to make someone realise and accept they need help. Is it possible for you to find some information on depression and ask your partner to read it when he is ready to do so.

Is it possible to record some of the facts about what is happening to the children while in the mother's care? If the situation ever does go to court, the more information your partner has the better.

Here at Beyond Blue they have a phone number you can call. I suggest you give them a call and see if you can gain any advice and suggestions from them.

You could also leave the number out for your partner, he might one day decide to reach out and talk to someone. I believe there is a Men's Help phone number as well. Google that and you might find more people you or your partner can chat with.

Cheers, from Topsy