To Leave or Not to Leave

[Paul_M]

My wife of 15 years first had signs of depression about 5 years ago. She had a nervous breakdown and spent 2 weeks not communicating with the world. Through a long process with psych sessions and by buying her a horse to focus on she gradually came back to the world.

 All was good for the next 3 years.

About 18 months ago she started getting drunk. It was her way of coping with depression and anxiety. I would get home from work to find my wife plastered when she was supposed to be looking after our kids (9,12 and 13). We got her a psychiatrist and got involved with treatment plans that have until now meant 10 weeks total in institutions dealing with depression, anxiety and substance abuse. Each time she came home things would be OK for a while but then the inevitable relapse.

I've lost count of the number of relapses now - somewhere around a dozen. I'm aware of a couple of times she was driving plastered with the kids in the car. 

After a relapse two weeks ago I asked her to write out a piece of paper saying that if it happened again she would leave our house and not seek custody of the kids. She wrote this out and stuck it on the fridge. Made no difference. Last Thursday I get home from work to find my kids waiting on the driveway to tell me mummy is drunk. So on Friday morning I kicked her out.

I don't want to separate but feel I have no choice. Despite her obvious problem she has many other traits I still love. 

Now I'm dealing with the guilt of finishing our relationship along with the fear of being a single working Dad whose job is probably on the line.  

Wold love to hear from any fathers who have been in a similar situation.

[white knight]

Hi PaulM welcome to beyond Blue forums.

A very worrying situation for you. I dont have many answers.  With a past experience of separation, divorce and losing my full time fatherhood I can relate to you but it isnt quite the same.

My concern is that the children and your wife maintain some level of contact. Where ever she may end up as far as accommodation is concerned, I'm hoping you can arrange perhaps that she can visit for the day or for lunch on weekends, effectively that you still have compassion in your heart to take the lead in that regards, so her and the children still have a relationship.

If you can do this and remain a sole parent and work, then do so. You are not at fault but keep in mind that she has mental blockages that prevent her from taking action that you require her to do.Such is the seriousness of her condition.

Compassion is the word. Hope you keep it with her but as a priority take control or keep control of your sensible fatherly attitude and devotion.

Take care. We are here listening if you need support and advice.

[AGrace]

Hi Paul,

I wanted to start by saying I'm not a father, and therefore have not been in a similar situation. That may deem me not qualified to comment, but upon reading your post, I felt compelled to respond.

I can't tell you what to do, only you can follow your own gut instinct, and decide what is right for you. I do however want to highlight that in your consideration you must decide what is right for your children as well. It doesn't necessarily have to be one or the other, to leave or not to leave, as you put it. It might just be to leave temporarily until your wife makes the decision of what is more important to her, the alcohol, or her family.

Are you aware, or is your wife aware of what triggers the relapses? When your wife leaves hospital what continued care is she receiving in order to prevent another relapse? Have you asked your children what they want?

I completely empathise with you as it must be a terribly difficult situation to find yourself in, I do think though that when we set boundaries we have to follow through on them, otherwise we teach our children that rules are there to be broken.

I hope you will not take offense to my ideas, and as I said, it's up to you to decide what is best for you and your family, but your children's safety must come first, regardless of your decision.

AGrace

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for your post. I am a father of five and former long serving policeman, so I know a bit about raising children and seeing the affects of alcohol affected driving.

As mentioned by other posters there are no easy answers, and I guess if you were a woman writing this about a drunken and irresponsible husband, many would not hesitate to tell you to get out of there. It isn't my place to say that.

As a father, though, I think your absolute priority has to be the physical safety of your children. Whatever emotional damage a marriage breakdown or being raised by an alcoholic parent might bring, they are not as bad as being killed in a car accident.

I have seen that too many times and every time someone is killed by a drunk driver, there is lots of regret from many quarters when all that was really needed was an ounce of prevention.

I know it seems heartless and easy for me to say this, but you are the only responsible parent your children have and, if you haven't ever seen it before, you do not want to know what a dead or dying child looks like.

Sorry if some of my PTSD leaked out in this, but my logic is sound.

Kind regards, John.

[geoff]

dear Paul, I can absolutely see your point of view, and that's coming from a person who was the alcoholic in our marriage, but now that has all changed now, so I will start afresh from here.

There is always a real problem when ever someone goes into rehab, sure they can overcome their addiction whilst in rehab but then once they come back out they normally fall victim to their addiction again, because it's simply much better for them to start drinking once again, because there is no one who can monitor what goes on with them.

This also happens with people who are detoxing from illicit drugs, once they come out they meet up with their mates again and so then it starts again, so it's a vicious circle.

It's not your fault that you kicked her out, because your children's lives were certainly in danger, and that she is not capable of having any responsibility in looking after them, so now you have to decide who is going to look after them while you are working.

In the short term it's not going to be easy, but it will settle down once you can get it to become routine. Geoff.