The Point When Suddenly its all Your Fault

[Paul_M]

Having lived with a depressed wife with alcohol issues for many years I have seen many different stages of depression. For reasons I cannot understand each stage is followed by exactly the same one again and again - Denial. Acceptance then denial, Grief then denial etc. The denial always keeps coming back.

Wife has a history of getting through a bottle of vodka in the hour or so before kids (14,12,10) come home from school. She tells me she loves our kids - I tell her love is meted out in actions, not words. 

She has been in treatment this time round for almost 2 years - psychologist, psychiatrist and has spent 16 weeks of the last 12 months in rehab/psychiatric hospitals.

Current state of play is that its my fault as I don't have faith in her ability to get better. Its true I have lost faith - after 30 or so episodes of coming home to find her plastered I have moved on from supporting her first to protecting my kids first. Wish I had done this sooner. Apparently I have also been too controlling and yet at the start of treatment she would not see anyone unless I came along. Took about a year for me to extricate myself from her ongoing treatment visits. I also suggested she should get herself banned from local bottleshops. Finally I begged my wife to call me anytime she felt like she was going to drink and I would try to talk her down. Offer has been there for 2 years  and never been used, despite me repeatedly making the same offer.    

Just prior to xmas I made the decision I need to separate from my wife. She's currently halfway through an 8 week rehab stay. Has only stayed there because I threatened to lodge child abuse (neglect) paperwork with the family court. Now waiting for her to come back from rehab and pick up her stuff before we can move on. 

The thing that finally persuaded me to leave and seek custody was the realization that she doesn't want a spouse/lover. She wants a parent she can turn around to and say 'Its all your fault". Its a horrible choice because there are many things about my wife I love very much and I feel like I'm deserting her. But I cannot be her parent any more. 

[white knight]

Hi Paul M, a warm welcome at beyond blue forums

What a hell ride you have been through. And I have some understanding here to. I'll briefly explain and this might be seen as supportive of you.

My defacto of several years always liked a glass or three of wine each evening. As the years went by the glasses increased but me, full of trust wasnt aware of the problem.

One night I purchased a 5 litre cask of wine and knew it hadnt been opened before I headed off for a one hour drive to pick up my 13 yo daughter, so I'd been away 2 hours. When we returned all heel broke loose for seemingly minor reasons. She was so aggressive and in my daughters face I got between them and again, for no reason she rang the police. They attended and she wanted to drive to her daughters house an hour away. So the police thought "better breath test her"...3 times over the limit. I told the police I couldnt believe it. They checked the cask- half empty. She'd drank 2.5 litres on two hours. As the policeman said - "you've got a problem here."

We separated soon after. We'd made rules. eg 2 glasses of wine a night. I usually did drink any, it never interested me. But it crept up and - she drank "all because of you Tony".

Back to you Paul. I'm sorry to sound so negative here. You children will be grown up in a flash. Take care of them best you can and enforce the courts allowed visits to her for the children until such time as you are holy convinced they can stay longer.

It matters not what others or even your wife says or accuses you of . It is your duty to your kids to protect them from her addiction.

Dont feel guilty. Which, seems like the reason for your post. Well done in manning up when your kids need your guidance and care. Monitor your wife's progress or slide. Respond as required.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Paul, I'd like to thank you for posting your comment and my friend Tony has opened up to you as well and I hope that this helps you.

Just briefly my drinking was one reason why my wife divorced me, another was my depression and I used the alcohol as a numbing medication, however I was a pacifist and stayed quite, however there was no way I would drink a bottle of vodka like she has, enough of me.

In hindsight you had no option other than leave her, the protection of your the kids is of paramount importance, and you must be concerned about them watching her, and what they have learnt.

Denial-Acceptance maybe she had accepted that she had a problem but I'm not really sure that she did, and even going into rehab well she didn't go by herself, because otherwise the kids would be taken off her, but I'm sure that as soon as is released nothing will have changed, as she has depression and is super indulging in the alcohol.

You know that she needs help, but this will only happen when she decides to actually accept this fact, but it's going to be a long road ahead for her.

Can I ask how the kids are going as there is a group called Alateen which you can google who talk to kids with a parent who is an alcoholic.

We are concerned and interested in how it's all going. Geoff.

[Pixie15]

Hi Paul M,

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

You have a very difficult situation. Geoff and Tony have given you good responses I think. 

As a carer who has struggled with whether I should stay in the relationship I am wondering if you have planned what you are going to do on the day when she comes home to get her stuff. If she is in rehab does she know about your plan? Can you really picture yourself holding firm to your resolution? If you need help to see your resolution through have you identified who you need to be there to support you? Does your wife have somewhere to go?

There is no need to feel guilty about wanting to do the best for yourself and your children.

Grateful.