The penny has finally dropped......she has depression

Digyoof · ‎03-01-2015

After 10 years with my partner in a blended family the penny has finally dropped. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure it out. My partner disclosed she was on and off anti-depressants early in our relationship. She said this was for anxiety not depression. She’s had a fiery temperament since I met her and frequently exhibited anger I’d never experienced before. Mood swings were common. When she was up we were great. When she was down it was terrible. She often sleeps until after midday on weekends and frequently lacks motivation. She drinks more than she should. I do too and have to concede there is an unhealthy co-dependence. Even though I was under the misapprehension the medication was for anxiety, I did notice a difference when she was on the meds. She seemed less volatile and more functional at home. However the meds induced weight gain (according to her) and suppressed her libido. Even though there was much more substance to our relationship, intimacy is important to both of us. It also helped to bridge gaps when they occurred. These “side-effects” then appealed to her predisposition for depression and she would sink again. Stopping seemed like her only option. And there, I’ve used the D word. As obvious as it probably is to anyone reading this, it’s taken me this long to make a conclusion. She has depression. Der…..you say. I think it was the anger that confused me. I didn’t make the connection to depression until just now. She has said horrible and nasty things to me that I really struggled to understand. She loved me one minute and the next everything I did pushed her buttons. I started to get angry back and we’ve had heated arguments audible in the next post code. I’ve read a bunch of posts on this site. The common theme seems to be the depression talking not the person. In some small way it’s reassuring to know the nasty stuff might not be how she really feels. But it still hurts. And surely there’s only so much any person can take no matter how committed to the relationship.

After all this time together and me not having a clue, I suppose I should expect suspicion and reluctance to trust. I’ve suggested she go back to the cognitive therapist for objective and professional help. I’ve offered to go with her. I haven’t returned her anger with anger for weeks. I’m trying to extend support and frequently ask her if there is anything I can do to help. Is there more I can do or do I just have to be patient?

white knight · ‎03-01-2015

Hi Digyoof welcome here and I'm really glad you've read a lot of threads in these pages.

All of what you have said is accurate and common with depressed people. For many of us its like reading about ourselves.

My wife and I both have MI issues and when one is up the others is patient and understanding but when we are both down we are in trouble and we go through that same saga as you have. It hurts. Things are said that should never be said, items sometimes fly through the air lol. It seems terrible but it is all a process of going through the motions until we settle with some tears and start over again. One incident was when I was making sausage rolls for my wife to take to her sewing group the next day. We had a meltdown and I ended up wearing the mince like some sort of ancient jewellery. I could have held a grudge. Instead I chose to see the funny side. Yes, its wrong for her to throw mince at me but she was so low at the time...and I'm a big boy. We laugh at it now. But as I reminded her- not many guys would make sausage rolls for his wife's social group!. She wont do it again so why hang onto it.?

The secret...our secret is "forgiving and forgetting". Use search above to view the thread by that name. It is an important theory to heed in the process of healing.

Dont be ashamed of not realising it was depression. Many people would not realise it either.

Loss of libido- yep, depends on the meds and their dosage.

Anxiety often leads to depression. They are almost hand in hand.

Other posts you can search for are-

Depression- a ship on the high seas

Depression are there any positives?

Being positive- whats the secret?

One final thing. I use to "swing" in moods like your wife. I'm on mood stabilsers now and they have made a huge improvement to my demeanor. Just saying....might be worth pursuing

Cheers Tony WK

Digyoof · ‎04-01-2015

Thank you so much for your response White Night. I read the threads you recommended (although I couldn't find "forgiving and forgetting" hard as I tried). They've shed even more light on how my partner feels especially when she's in a trough.

"D, a ship on high seas" really resonated.....a very powerful metaphor indeed. And saddening to know how hopeless and directionless she has often felt these 10 years with me.

What I didn't mention in my first post is that someone out there at sea did throw her a rope. Her son's PT. He's 14 years her junior but they made a connection with depression and demons the common ground. Apparently he's fighting the same battle. To this point it's just dialogue....facebook and texting........but there's a lot of it and she has conceded there is chemistry. Whilst I understand she has found comfort in someone who understands better than I what she is going through, I'm struggling with the threat it represents. Even she tries to rationalize they could never share a life but she's infatuated. I want her to shut it down and get professional help but worry such a demand will exacerbate her depression and push her further from me.

Any advice on how to manage this would be very warmly received.

white knight · ‎04-01-2015

Hi Digyoof,

Yeh, sounds like her friend is more like a tug boat. A ship like her but with more direction.

I dont see a lot of harm in such communication. Age has zero meaning now a days. And just like these forums, birds of a feather are happier sticking together. A high percentage of people dont understand depression. We know that all to well.

I think, as a friend, you have exceeded all you can do. You've asked for advice, tried to understand and reached out. Time to chill.

Yes, she has endured those massive waves for many years. And you have your lifeline there. I wouldnt risk her cutting it adrift. Best to keep what valuable friendship you have and be there for her when she needs you.

No matter her course direction, a lifelong friend has no price.....its priceless.

Tony WK