The Need to Have that Conversation

[Disconnected]

Hello Iam Disconnected, Iam an Older Mum, with a daughter with whom I feel I need to ask the Question. Are U Ok. As it is I have asked this question before and we went to seek help but somehow it never happened and time went buy. Now it has come round again and things with my daughter don't seem quite right.It could be put down to Post Natal depression, but I feel its the old depression surfacing again. You see my daughter has just had a baby, no she isn't crying or tearing her hair out its more that she is going through the motions with no emotions. Hence Disconnected! So you see I have to ask her Are U Ok. I have had the Post natal depression too 23 yrs ago and no body asked me the RUOK so I ended up in hospital. Iam still on Antidepressants. I have to be brave enough to ask her again but this time I feel she doesn't want my advice. I could leave it in the all to hard basket but I wont as I don't want her to end up in hospital.Its a strange feeling that I should be Happy but I couldn't careless feeling. It happened to me when we all went to pat the dolphins. I wanted to do this for years and when I had the chance it felt flat to me not exciting and thrilling at all. I realized hey that's not right I should have been over the moon, but I wasn't.The Docs upped my dosage and things became much more fun. My daughter may by secretly crying at night like I used to do but I don't know cause she lives with her Husband now. It sure makes it hard when your baby isn't at home with you. What I have seen when Iam out with her and what family and friends have said, now is the time for me to ask her how is she travelling. Wish me luck and she is willing to go for help!

[HA1]

Good luck disconnected.

you are doing the right thing - better to ask the question & no matter what the response, you will know how she really is.  

Will she be receptive to being asked?

k

[Disconnected]

Thank You Hideaway for answering. I find my daughter isn't very receptive to anything I say at the moment. I have tried to arrange a cuppa with her this tues and the reply is we will see. I try not to be too pushy with her as that seems to get her back up. I know that her independence is very important to her since she has married and had her baby.

Its tough being a caring Mum. You are right, I must try and not worry about my feeling of rejection. Its too important! Soo many of us are uncomfortable to ask, like an invasion of privacy or something but if I go gently it should be alright. I don't want to be saying "if only I had done this or that". In my case no one asked me if they could help but then I didn't know what the heck was happening to me. We have come along way since then not so hush, hush. Still its there and we,I have to get onwith it. I will let you all know how it goes. Hoping its this tues but we will see.

Hope its all going well with you Hideaway? Chat soon. Disconnected

[HA1]

Hi Disconnected - thanks for your reply.

I just finished reading a post from Loozinmycool and her daughter.  Very difficult, and a little similar to what you are going through.

But it does sound like you have a plan, and I certainly hope it works out for you.  Agree that it may be difficult to ask the question, R U OK.  During the R U OK day recently, I made a point of asking all my family members individually whether they were OK.  "Yes .. why?" was the typical response.  So I followed up that with a more direct question a few weeks later.  One member of family put their hand up and confirmed that they were not OK. We now have a plan.  You have to ask the question of your loved ones.

Take care, and keep posting updates if you like.

K

[Chris_B]

Hi Disconnected,

Thanks for joining the forums and for reaching out to your daughter. Beyondblue have recently launched a set of videos called Have The Conversation. 

One of the common pieces of feedback we hear from people around asking loved ones if they're ok is, what do I do if they tell me they aren't? What do I say next?

The two short videos below contain interviews with parents on how they talked to their children when concerned about their wellbeing. Hope you find them useful.

WHAT TO SAY

WHAT TO DO

[HA1]

Hi Disconnected

How are you doing?  

K