Tempted to distance from depressed friend

[Tryingtosupport]

I have been friends with a girl for 10 yrs who suffers depression.  at times have been concerned that our friendship has taken on a more mentor/counsellor role then a true friendship I'd say about 90%f our time together is spent talking out her issues it's been quite draining from time to time but I've never considered giving up on her.  Sometimes she self medicates with alcohol which I find hard to deal with as my mother was an abusive alcoholic so at times our friendship is triggery as well as draining. When she is happy she is brilliant and charming, but I feel as though I only see this side of her in a group setting.  I've been dealing okay until recently. I had to go home at short notice and rang her to tell her my sister was contemplating suicide and didn't really get a response. my niece was diagnosed with a personality disorder, has been using drugs and physically and emotionally abused my sister horribly. I also found the time staying at my mothers home difficult due to childhood abuse.  I got home and was emotionally exhausted, for the first time ever I told my friend that I was having trouble coping with things, she didn't even ask about my sister and told me how depressed and angry she was feeling about a guy. I tried to open up as  I rarely do as I've dealt with my past as best I can through counselling and healthy lifestyle choices so I think for me to say I'm having a hard time is quite out of the ordinary. I told her what I went through on leave, some of my childhood issues and that I was feeling bad enough to have made an appointment with a psychologist. She said something along the lines of "yeah life's hard when it's different from how you want it to be" then proceeded to talk and cry about this guy again.  I was a bit disappointed but when she rang today to meet up I agreed but she focused on this guy again.   She wanted to get together again tomorrow and I agreed but then changed my mind, I'm drained with my own stuff, I can't carry her right now and am a bit hurt that she isn't really there for me. I sent her a message saying I needed space as I was feeling emotionally exhausted and her reply was about how she appreciated me been there for her and proceeded to talk about the guy again! 

I just think I need space from this friendship right now but feel so guilty as I know that depression can often look like self absorption and I don't want to abandon her as her family largely have. 

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[Little_Rascal]

Hey tryingtosupport,

Sounds like you're having a rough time, glad you're thinking about seeing a psychologist talking about things to an outsider really helps.

I've been in your position, I ended up loosing my job as I wasn't strong enough to deal with my workmates deepest darkest secrets she felt she could tell me (she was 40 years older than me) I tried to be strong, but she kept unloading on me and I had a pretty bad breakdown and had panic attacks everyday on the way to work and would throw up most days at work.

It also seems you've been there for your friend and been very understanding, you need to focus on you now, and I think you're doing the right thing as she can't be there for you right now. Make sure you explain that you're not abandoning her, you just need to be there for your family and you need to learn some new coping tools and get stronger, maintain your health so you can be there for her again, and not fall apart youreself . Now is the time for you to be selfish.

Take care of yourself.

[Guest_9466]

Dear Tryingtosupport

It sounded like you had a rough trot lately and need support right now. IMHO, you had done all you can for your friend of ten years and it is time to let go of this one - way friendship. Unfortunately, some of us who suffered from mental illness are quite absorbed in ourselves. Not only is it not healthy but worse still, we choose to inflict on others who are compassionate and caring. 

I have learned over the years to avoid people such as your friend especially when I am not in a good space. Even if I am, I cannot be confident I am strong enough to drag down by people who are self centred.

A sound friendship goes both ways, there are times when you need support and so a caring and compassionate friend would be ready to put aside her troubles, lend a willing ear and gives you some much needed tlc. And, I am positive you would do the same for her. 

A good friend just like a loving mother would know when it is time to let the child / friend go so she can make her own mistakes, learn from her mistakes thereby become stronger in the process.

Hope the above helps.

[geoff]

dear TtS, it's great that you reached out to us for advice but mainly support.

You have received a couple of very good replies in this very difficult situation that you are faced with, and what they have said is true, and I agree with them.

You have far too much to cope with and although you have been support for your friend over all these years, her depression is fixated on her boyfriend, maybe he's just a friend for her, but never the less it dominates her thinking and consumes her which only adds to her depression.

I can't condemn her for drinking using it for self medicating, only because I did the same, but in hind sight I know that it doesn't help, but I can only say that now because I have overcome depression.

You now have so many problems from all around you, every way you turn there is someone who needs help, because they are severely depressed, it's too much for you, and unless you start looking after yourself, which is of prime concern then you yourself will also fall to this horrible illness.

I don't know how you have been able to cope with all of this, but just a word of advice, please don't just go home and do nothing, because if you do then your mind will only wonder, just take up a hobby that you really enjoy, but do it slowly, and don't exhaust yourself.

I would also suggest that you go and see your GP, you need to look after yourself. Geoff.