Tell me it gets better

Mumma4 · ‎18-07-2017

Hi there,

I've been with my husband for nearly 20years, married for nearly 8years. Long story short my husband has always been up and down with his moods, has been a spontaneous spender, has been a big drinker, and had an addictive personality. After things getting really really bad earlier this year, he finally got referred to a psychiatrist who has initially diagnosed him with bi-polar. But he had been previously put on two types of drugs to help with his back injury that have in turn been making his bi-polar symptoms worse. So it has taken a month or so to get off one of these anti-depressant meds before steps can be taken to treat the actual bi-polar. During this time his moods are even more up and down, and now he has come off the anti-depressants he has more emotion back - including frustration and anger. He has a short fuse at the moment so it feels like it is just another issue to add to the long list. Almost every day I am in tears from despair of what to do and how to help him, from financial stress due to me having to work three jobs (while looking after 3 children under the age of 7) due to him either not being able to work, or not being able to invoice the work he does (he is self-employed), from trying to come to terms that I am not going to have the married and family life I had always thought I would - the list goes on and on. I feel so overwhelmed by it all - and am really scared that even once he starts getting treatment for the bi-polar, that things are not going to get much better.

Do I want to leave and try to provide my children a more stable upbringing? Do I leave now and do this?

I really don't want to - I love my husband (whoever he is now) and I know the children love their dad (when he is well), I just am really struggling as to what the future holds. I don't think I can cope if it stays like this.

So, for those that have been with their spouse or defacto etc before being diagnosed and then also after. Does it get better? Will our life ever be like a 'normal' happy family?

Thanks for reading

geoff · ‎18-07-2017

dear Mumma, I feel so sorry for being in this position for all of you, and for him to have an addictive personality could cause a great deal of anxiety for yourself, because having to work 3 jobs and look after 3 children under 7 years old is an enormous effort for you, plus the cooking, cleaning, shopping and everything else you have to do would only make you so tired.
Can I ask you first of all that you get the help you need, not only if you can afford someone to help you out with the cleaning/cooking, but also medical help, because you must be exhausted.
I realise that money might be tough but counselling won't cost you anything if you ask your doctor about the mental health plan, which entitles you to 10 free visits.
I will let others comment on his BP, but sometimes decisions have to be made to protect you and the children, but this is what I hope you can talk about when you have counselling, because it's concerning.
Please get back to us because we certainly want to know what is going on. Geoff. x

Sophie_M · ‎18-07-2017

Hi Mumma4, welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing your story. You might want to have a look at the thread below, from a member who also has a husband with bipolar disorder. There are a number of responses from the community, as well as from our resident GP and counsellor Dr Kim, that you might find helpful:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/bipolar-husband-has-broken-law---pushed-to-limit#qnGlRHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Winterfell · ‎18-07-2017

Depression has become a part of my life in a big way since May last year when my husband (who I have been with for 15 years) was hospitalised. He has a mixed state at times with racing thoughts, irritability and agitation and it has been a rollercoaster with some periods of stability and some terrible lows. I have been looking after our two kids and working two jobs however my husband is off work on income protection which has eased financial stress.

Mental illness is scary and stressful to most people and can be quite debilitating, you need your strength. If you love him then try to help him through helping yourself to be strong. You cant fix this but you can be a support and a hope during a difficult time for everyone. Doing things you enjoy and find relaxing are important, getting support from family and friends, having leisure/hobby/down time is crucial - your own mental well being is a high priority right now.

My husband functioned so highly and pushed himself through the days for so long that when the wheels fell off it was in a spectacular fashion. I had doubt about my future, our relationship, my whole life plan was in disarray. He has had 3 hospital stays and has been up and down and seen psychiatrists who chopped and changed and put him on way too many meds. After a recent relapse he is currently in hospital and starting ECT. I used to worry about his work and my life plans but after seeing someone you love in the absolute depths of despair it gives you a different perspective. I love him and have hope that we will make it through this and out the other side. All I care about is that he is not suffering and my family get to spend time together. It took me nearly a year to get to this place of acceptance and knowing what was truly important to me.

My best advice to you at this time is to look after yourself, take it one day at a time and try not to see into the future and worry about what will happen. Get help, dont be afraid to reach out and ask, you dont have to do it all alone. You have an awful lot on your plate so if you can share the load somehow and carve out time for yourself it may help.

Mumma4 · ‎18-07-2017

Thank you Sophie_M - I will do 🙂

Mumma4 · ‎18-07-2017

Thanks for your kind words Geoff. I will be sourcing help for myself too - just need to make the time to fit it in!! I have had years of counselling myself prior to all this - yes for different things but am trying to go back to the tools the counsellors gave me to cope with my anxiety and depression during that time. Living in the moment, trying not to get consumed by my negative thoughts, daily exercise and ME time. Hubby is going to his psychiatrist again today - unfortunately I can't go with him this time, but hopefully we will get a good plan in place for him at least.

Mumma4 · ‎18-07-2017

Thanks so much for your reply and advice.

It sure is a scary time, especially at present of the unknown. He is seeing his psychiatrist again today so we will see what the plan is this time.

I bounce back and forth from frustration, to compassion, to anger, to compassion. I too absolutely hate seeing the hurt and pain in his eyes. It's so hard, having a husband that used to be my rock, and that I could tell anything too, to now being a shell of himself and unable to even hold a decent conversation with me. He is doing all that he can at the moment to get better, it's just trying to find a way for me to cope and hold the family unit together in the meantime. I don't have much family or friend support - perhaps some of this is my own fault as I havent opened myself up much to let people in. Those that I have do try and help but it is only sporadically. I will be seeking help from a counsellor, I just need to try and make it a priority amongst everything else - it's just hard having to find someone to look after the children and get it to fit in with things - I know these are just excuses though and need to do it for myself and my family. I guess I just keep hoping that things will change and everthing will be ok again.

Winterfell · ‎18-07-2017

I know exactly what you mean, I broke down crying one day because my husband was always the rock, he never let me down, I could always depend on him and he looked after everything, thats one of the things I loved about him the most - he was always in control of everything. He looked after the house, the yard, the pets, the finances, the washing, the car, highly paid job etc etc. This last week he has been so unwell and so hard to talk to, either breaking down in tears or furiously talking about everything wrong in the world and quite unable to listen to me much at all. He is an inpatient so I get lots of time to recharge which is important to keep supporting him.

Its wonderful you say he is doing all he can, that sure is a good sign. My husband keeps on going and keeps trying and that keeps my faith alive that we will emerge from this. Things wont ever be the same, I know that. I dont think he will ever return to the high pressure job and full on lifestyle but I am totally accepting of that - we will have a new and different life. As long as we love and care for each other we can make things work for our family. Lots of people struggle to even get their partner to treatment so well done to the both of you for going forward and engaging with treatment to tackle the illness head on.

I am sorry to hear you don't have much support, maybe this is a time to be vulnerable and let others in? you might be surprised how people care and want to help when they know you are having a tough time. Do the kids go to school or daycare? some time for you is definitely needed. I use a weekly planner - I cant post a link to the one I use here but if you search up weekly self care planner you will find templates. Some are a bit naff but I use a plain one - with am pm and eve for each day then a section at the bottom with what I want to be doing more of, less of, where I want to be going and who I want to see. This makes me schedule time for things like a bath or watching trashy tv when the kids are in bed, going to sit at a park or beach with the kids, having coffee with a friend or going to an appointment for myself. These small things help me alot.

I found posting here very helpful as well, I knew I wasnt alone and even just writing things out helped to get perspective and vent a bit when I needed to, which I still do sometimes !

Mumma4 · ‎21-07-2017

Thanks so much for your tips Winterfell and your insight on how things have been for you. It really has been reassuring that I'm not a horrible person feeling the way I do. I love the idea of a self care planner and will look further into it. I think after pushing myself to put me first a bit more this week has really helped me as a person and a mum, and also as a support person for my husband.

Winterfell · ‎25-07-2017

I am so pleased to hear you are putting yourself first. It really does make a difference. Keep doing those things that give you a bit of pleasure or relaxation - so important 🙂