Teenage daughter struggling.

[Nazza85]

Hi,

My 14 year old daughter suffers with anxiety. Home life has become extremely hard due to her unwillingness to go to school. She hates school because of the social side even though she has good friends who support her . We have missed many days because of it and now she is behind in work. This has now made her terrified to go to school because she is scared of getting in trouble. We have had appointments with the guidence officer, teachers and principle but she just sits there and doesn't say a word because she's to scared. We have her seeing a psychologist once a week. Nothing is helping at all. Just lately she has started to lash out and say mean things to her father. This morning she kicked a hole in the wall because her father took away her phone for not going to school. I'm away for work and have her on the phone to me crying that she doesn't want to go to school anymore. I don't know what else we can do to help more. We are both very supportive and understand how hard this is for her but nothing is helping. Does anyone have any advice? Please!

[white knight]

Hi nazza, welcome

Firstly I commend you for having her under a psychologist.

Your daughter has to overcome this social barrier if she is to normalise her life. It is important.

Is her psych specializing in social anxiety?. If not you could seek one out.

In my opinion, discipline at this tender sensitive age might not help. Taking her mobile phone off her (I totally understand ) will backfire. It is a tool that gives her contact with others albeit not face to face but...it is also a tool that often leads to more face to face friendships because her friends of her friends will be added to her friends list. I see some positive there.

Its a tough one. At her age one is limited with discipline options but encouragement is essential. Eg praise for going half a day to school rather than criticism for not attending a full day is better.

Her condition is serious. She needs to be treated as an individual not like all other kids in the conventional list of expectations.

I'd keep in close communication with her psych and ask him/her for advice also.

I hope that helps.

[Quercus]

Hi Nazza85,

Has your daughter talked to you about why she hates school? Is she being bullied? Only recently I saw an example of how bullying at school has changed and it was eye opening.

My friend has a 12 year old and she recently came to her Mum for help because another girl was being viciously targeted at school and wouldn't ask for help because she was scared of her phone being taken away.

This girl had recieved a barrage of attacks on social media. Hundreds of posts over a few days. For all the friends and boys at school to see. All accusing her of sexual activities. Attacking her appearance. Completely revolting things. Things that a 12 year old should not be exposed to. Put on the internet for the world to see.

The girl didn't say a word to anyone. She spent weeks being tormented until other girls who had been supporting her said enough is enough it's time to get the parents. The police took it very seriously.

Is there any way something is happening to your daughter that she hasn't confided in you? If she is absolutely terrified of school I keep wondering why?

Tony's advice is solid as always but it's worth asking to check the apps on her phone. The girl I mentioned was being harrassed over multiple apps and sites.

Worth checking.

[Bec12]

Hello Naza. I have just signed up to this site, because I am in exactly the same position as you. My daughter is 16 and for the past 18 months has been struggling on and off with her own demons, which means she regularly finds herself unable to cope with school (where she has loads of friends) part time work or even social interaction. She spends hours crying and if she is at school is often sending me constant texts saying she is overwhelmed/extremely sad/unable to cope. It's so difficult to witness your child suffering so, I have to admit it has become all consuming and it's difficult to talk about the effect it has on you as a parent, to anyone who is not in the same position. She is also seeing a counsellor, has a very supportive school year level coordinator and had her first appt with a psychiatrist yesterday. I just wanted to let you know, you're not alone, it can be a really isolating experience - I'm glad I have signed up to this site

[Sophie_M]

Hi skl, sounds you're going through a difficult time with your daughter. So that the community can better support you, we encourage you to start your own thread. If you want to discuss your daughter's experience with self-harm, we recommend posting in the self-harm board.

[Louise68]

Hi Nazza

Therapeutic relationship with your daughter and who supports her is crucial for her to connect and want to go. I recommend Headspace as its youth friendly and free. You can ring them and self refer. They also have gp's and heaps of group programs for your daughter. With school, i recommend asking your daughter how much she feels she can manage and be on her side. You can negotiate with school a reduced school load and attendance and create an individual learning plan for your daughter. Thats a legitimate document they make with you and your daughter. Punishment will alienate her further so being supportive and maintaining hopefulness and open talk is best approach. Keep her engaged in activities with you at home to reduce alone time in her room but be subtle. Ive been through it and it isnt easy but love and trying to treat her with dignity and respect and encouraging help seeking and negotiating what will help together is best approach. Feeling understood and encouraged and being her biggest fan wins the war. Best of luck. Hope you get her to headspace and call school meeting. Take care if yourself too and reduce your own anxiety around her by showing your own self care as a role model for her. You matter to so perhaps talk to your own counsellor. It takes focus ofc your daughter and helps you become resilient, which is contagious. 🙂

[Guest_128]

To dear Nazza,

I feel your pain so much,I don't write like the others so I'm sorry if I sound blunt.

Take away as much social media as you can.

get her a part time job.

Talk to her friends to see if anything is going on.

find out who her closest best teacher is.

get someone to check her social media.

get a new pet say it's hers.

Change her bedroom.

plant a vegie patch.

And search her room.

Finally be kind to you,and maintain your relationship with your hubby. That is the most important thing as this can be a long hard slog and you need your strength,support,commitment and respect for each other.

Later

[RedRiver]

Hi Nazza

My daughter also struggles to go to school. Here are some things that have helped us. First of all understanding that anxiety is an illness not a behavioural problem. My daughter will often compare it to a physical disability. If your daughter had a broken leg would you expect her to take part in the cross country race? Second, understanding that school environments can be quite toxic. There is a lot of bullying and it's not just from other kids. Teachers can be just as bad. Every time I drop my daughter off she says "See you when I get back from prison".

Some things that I wish I had done earlier and better was to engage the school in helping/understanding the problem we were facing. Allowing my daughter to have some control and say over what she could manage. And giving her an escape when she needs it. My daughter feels better about going to school because she knows she can ask to go home whenever things get too much - no questions asked. And she likes me to be early to pick her up so she doesn't have to stand around waiting. She feels self-conscious.

I know that it is hard when you are working to be there for her during the day. Maybe grandparents, aunts or uncles or even friends can help in this regard.

I also had to let go of my expectations for her academic performance. My daughter went from A's in grade 8 to not completing assignments in grade 9. But grades really are unimportant in the big scheme of things. What worked for us was deciding that it was important to complete assessments but it didn't matter if they were late and we just aimed to pass although it wasn't the end of the world if she didn't. I also got her a tutor for maths.

We have seen an improvement over the past year. She was missing 1 or 2 days every week but now it's probably only 1 day every 2 or 3 weeks and some half days when she comes home. She has handed all of her assignments in on time this year(grade 10). And in the last couple of weeks she has decided that she will continue school next year.

It is a difficult problem but I wish you and your daughter all the best.

[Petal3]

I am having a similar experience with my daughter. Some things I have been trying are: maintain the relationship with her, hold the hope for her that she will get well, mindfulness - be present, not punish her for being sick, let go of expectations for academic success ( we have gone from being a prize winner to no schoolwork for a year), just love her. We are battling hard every day to get our daughter well and I think we are trying too hard. I am trying hard to do all of these things but some are so hard to do. I hope you might find one or two ideas helpful and I hope things get better for you and your daughter soon.

[blondguy]

Hello Everyone

Hi Petal3

Thankyou for your post and welcome to the forums too!

The forum community can provide better support if you create your own thread....If you wish to of course

I have a daughter that is in the same boat and I understand what you are going through PetaL3

My kind thoughts

Paul