Supporting, which has led to depression

[Pvris23]

Hey Guys,

New to BeyondBlue and the forum. Just wanted to quickly start with how much of a fantastic place this is.

Alright so straight into it. I have recently moved in with my partner. We have been dating for about a year now and she does suffer from depression. I knew this from the beginning of relationship but I believe I could help. I have come to a point though where I am also suffering from depression and as much as I try and support her, I am starting to self destruct.

We do fight alot. She says I don't understand, and that I'm not sympathetic and I don't know how she feels. And yes I will admit that I have a short fuse and will get frustrated. But I get frustrated because she will not open up to me and she constantly lies to me. Sometimes its little things that really there is no reason to lie about, but sometimes they are reason that many people would have walked away by now.

I love her with my whole heart, and I am trying my hardest to be supportive and caring but I know within myself I am starting to get severly depressed. I looked forward to going to work because it is the one time she won't make me feel guilty for leaving her. And i feel horrible saying that but it has literally come to the point where i can't even hang out with my friends anymore because she will get so upset if I do. So it has come to the point where I don't see my friends anymore because the fight with her over it is not worth it.

I'm not really if anyone can lead any advice here, but it does make me feel a bit better just to type it out.

[white knight]

Hi pvris welcome

A person having depression can place strain in a relationship. In my view there is one answer...teamwork.

Working against each other won't help. There are responsibilities for both parties, yes even the depressed.

In this thread it spells out what I believe are some responsibilities google...Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

For you partner if you care to let her read it,..Topic: they just won't understand, why?- beyondblue

There are also different types of depression. My wife has a very different type than I do. In the end all you can do is be supportive and encourage her to visit her GP regularly with your attendance to.

Discuss your needs about socialising with mates. She should not be possessive with this if its reasonable in frequency.

Failing all this there us Relationships Australia that could help.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Pvris, welcome to the forum and what you have told us can happen to many people, but that's not helping you.
In a relationship the pressures and different moods from someone who has depression can be very taunting to the other person, but that's what this illness is capable of doing.
When you meet someone with depression then there is the chance that the next few months are going to be very good, so you believe that her depression will disappear, and yes it probably will, but it won't cure her of her depression, all it does is put it 'on hold.'
So eventually it returns once the relationship has settled in, but she won't open up to you because of the arguing and if she does then it won't be the whole truth, because there is a broken link between the two of you, it's not what you want to happen, but unfortunately it can.
So there are 2 issues here, whether you want to go out with your mates or whether you want to help her with depression, because you're depressed because you can't do what you want.
If you stay with her at the moment you could argue, and if you go out with your mates the same will happen, however the point here is whether you want to help her get help which will then flow onto you feeling better, so the first step is for her to see her doctor and perhaps you could go with her and if this happens then you should bring up the point about what happens if you leave her to go out with your mates. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Pvris23

Hello and welcome. I'm not sure who has the worst time, the unwell person or the carer. Both have a rocky road to travel and when you bring a relationship into the mix everything gets messy.

First off, have a look at the information BB provides. Start on the home page and click on Learn about Depression or click on the blue tabs above (or both). Here you can learn a great deal about depression and I think you will find it helpful. There is also information for Carers and how to look after yourself. Take this as your starting point.

You have tried to talk to your GF and feel disappointed because she lies to you. This is quite common in depression. A depressed person has a self image which is usually distorted, and has lots of fear. What seems a minor question or comment to you is a big deal to her because she is viewing it through a distorted lens. This view is not deliberate, but a result of the brain not functioning properly.

I suspect some scenarios would go like this. He wants to go out with his mates, I am afraid he will not come back, or, he prefers their company to mine, I'm not lovable or good enough for him, he will leave me. Now I bet you immediate reaction is to say, "How stupid, I love her and want to spend my life with her. It's just a night out with the boys". You are being objective and sensible, she is being subjective and afraid of the consequences.

So what can you do? I believe couples should have their own activities and be able to come and go without tears and tantrums. After all, you do not spend all your free time with your mates. You do things together and apart. It's a more healthy approach. But this is not what your GF sees.

If she were not depressed she would be happy for you to see your mates. That's what love is about. Wanting to be with each other and also allowing each one their own space. Reach some the BB literature the try to sit down with her and not get cross or upset. Talk about where you are going, reassure her you will return and if necessary tell what time, and be home then. It's not a way of controlling you, it's reassurance for her. Every time you argue or go away it reinforces her insecurity. But you cannot let this go one. She needs help to get over her depression in order for you to stay together.

Make a an appointment with the doctor and insist you both attend. I hope you write in again.

Mary

[wavyyy]

Hi, I don't have any worthwhile advice sadly because I am in a very similar situation haha. But here is my shoulder of support -

Know that she probably loves you even more for trying so hard- but don't be afraid to look after your own self too. It's too easy to get distracted trying to look out for someone else but it's like they say in the safety video when you're about to take off on a plane - fit your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else. To truly support her, you need to be in your own best state of mind and I am sure she could appreciate that. Be gentle on yourself, be kind to yourself and remember that you've already made a world of difference just by being there so far. Maybe speak to her about what you're feeling and if she is depressed she might actually have some good advice too, as she would totally understand what you're feeling....

Anyway, best of luck and good on you for being so brave and kind. I hope things get better, for the both of you. xxxx

[Carmela]

Hi Pvris23, you have received some great advice and support from the BB Champions and other contributors, so l just want you to know that I care and understand as l have supported my husband for 18 years with depression and it's a hard road. Don't loose sight of your own needs. Visit friends etc and do things that make you happy. It helps to build resilience and this is key to caring for a partner with a mental illness.

Lots of hugs and reminders to each other that you care and love each other will help to push through the more difficult days.

Blessing and all the best. x