Supporting someone who is not acknowledging they have a problem

[Qwerty14]

Hi,

Been with partner for 30+ years
7 years ago (2014), husband had major problems with our 16 yr old daughter, resulting in her moving out, and a hellish time for all concerned. He was verbally abusive to her and at times quite physical. He has an aggressive tone of voice naturally, and uses it harshly, often.
When she was about 8 yrs old, he completed a positive parenting course at my suggestion, as I felt he needed it as part of an anger management strategy. I cant now remember what prompted those thoughts, but he was obviously not in control of his temper, even back then (16 yrs ago). Since 2014, he has been increasingly depressed. He is inactive, does no exercise, does no chores, doesnt work on his hobbies or dreams. Totally lethargic. Has multiple issues with relationships, has lost most jobs he has had due to relationship issues. Currently, he is under investigation, and may lose his career, having already lost his job (he found another job, so is still working full time, but does nothing at all outside of work).

The stress of this investigation is pushing him to the limit. It has been ongoing for some months, and has been hugely stressful for both of us. He treats me like he hates me. We cant discuss anything as he is always on a hair trigger, talks over me, raises his voice and/or storms off. He blames me for everything. I represent chores and bills and responsibility, and he hates me for it. I take care of everything in the household. I think it possible that he has BPD, but at the very least severe depression. He resists any treatment, and resents me suggesting it, says I gaslight him. I persuaded him to get a psychology referral, but he has to wait months for an appointment. And then what's the point, if he's not up for treatment, then it wont help. I have just been diagnosed with cancer. He decided he needed to go off camping. Left the house at 1am whilst I was on night shift, deleted facebook, and has not contacted me and let me know anything at all. I only know where he is as he has contacted my daughter. His behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic and alarming, just at the time when I need support. My anxiety levels are very high, I do not need this right now. I do not know what to do next. He doesnt value anything I say, as apparently I am out to get him. So many stories of crazy things he has said and done, I just want to cry.

[Boudica]

Hello Qwerty,

Well done taken the first step by reaching out to talk to people about the situation. I am sorry about your cancer diagnosis, it is a really big thing to face, especially when you already feel you are in the eye of a storm. I have had three close family members go through cancer in the last 2 years, and all of them have thankfully come out the other side, but the treatments can be very tough.

It sounds like you have had to be really strong through these last years, to carry on while your husband is crumbling. He really sounds like he is in a troubled place, and your concern is justified. Some people cope best with problems by blocking it out and avoiding thinking of it, until they feel ready to process and it is likely that is why he has gone camping. I am someone who does this when I am overwhelmed with the world too.

However, please make sure you have supports for yourself in place as a priority, as it is not only your husband who is feeling this. It sounds like he has been treating you very poorly, and though mental health issues may be at the heart of it, you deserve to be treated with respect and care. Do you have family or friends you can rely on to talk to and support you? I am sorry I cannot offer more advice in regards your husband, but I am not experienced enough in this area.

I think there are sure to be others here that can offer better ideas, sorry that it has taken so long for you to get a reply here, sometimes posts seem to just get buried at busy times. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.

[815]

Hi Qwerty14,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It seems like there is so much going on for you.

Boudica has written a great response and I have to agree that it is really important for you to get the support you need as well to get through all of this.

I know it has been some time since you posted and sorry it's taken a while to get more responses. Have you heard from your husband since he left? And how are you doing?

Hope you can come back here and post and update and chat more about your situation if it helps.

[quirkywords]

Qwerty,

Thanks for your post. I can feel your pain and frustration because when someone is struggling but they will stubbornly be in deny it will take a hige toll on them and thei partner.

I wonder if he has contacted you since your last post.

As Boudica and 815 have written you do need help and support for yourself. Does and your daughter know you have been diagnosed with cancer?

This is the ime in your life you need support amd a calm environment.

Sometimes when people are afraid and cant cope with their feelings or exprees them they can run away.

If you want come back we can chat.

You are not alone and there is support here for you.