Supporting mother who has signs of depression and lives overseas

[Lari_T]

Hi there,

I'm very new to this whole thing but I feel like I'm running out of options as I really don't know what to do.

My mother has recently moved back to Brazil after 6 months living here with myself, my partner and his mother (yes, all in the same house, I know, pretty crazy). This was the 3rd time she came to visit me and in every time she came to visit, we had pretty bad discussions. She always felt like I ignored her and wouldn't give her enough attention although she would complain most of the time about anything. She grew up with paralysis and she always have struggled with pain and other health issues, although she always have managed to take care of herself and pull it all together. She brought me up in a strict way but always with lots of love and good education. Nevertheless, when my father left (after much fighting) when I was 13 yo, it seemed that all the frustration she used against my dad was now transferred to me. My mother has always been very 'picky' and would fix her thoughts in little things or hold onto the past, coming back at any opportunity to remind me of the times when I hurt her. She now doesn't speak to most of her brothers and sisters (they are 9 in total and she only speaks with 2 of them).

So, while she was here living with me, I've made my best to give attention and help her at the same time that I tried to keep up with my life as myself and my partner both work full-time and study. It was a very intense time together as we had to adapt our lives to live back with our mothers and they had to know each other and adapt themselves with their new reality. It was really tough for everyone, but the toll fell hardest on my mother as she take things very seriously. When I couldn't be bother, after a long day at work, to worry about who didn't do the cleaning or the dishes, she would take it personally and then the whole story got worse. While I wasn't even being able to spend time at all with my partner's mother (we just met, so I wanted to know her more and bond with her) my mother insisted that I wasn't giving her enough attention or that I treated others better than I treated her...I was feeling tired, helpless and every time I would talk to her, I would go back to my room (and my partner) and cry because I did not know what else to do.

I spoke with friends about it and they supported me saying that I did my best but I just feel so sad that my mother and I can't have a good relationship and enjoy life together.

[geoff]

dear Lari, welcome to the forum.

Living with both mums must have been very tense, and not the ideal situation to be in, even though you were trying to help them both, but it would be impossible for everyone to be able to communicate on a sensible way, with both mums trying to get your attention.

It seems as though there is so much that your mum is hanging onto and would appear that she is suffering from PTSD, although I'm not qualified to diagnose, and all she wants to do is still control you, but you have your own life now, you have a partner, a job and studying as well, so it's a pretty hectic lifestyle to maintain.

Some parents are stuck in their own ways and it would be impossible for them to even consider to change, and as much as you keep trying to teach her about how you both handle your new life will be useless, so you're hitting your head against a brick wall.

To have 9 children and she only speaks to 2 of you, indicates that there is something wrong and it seems to be coming from her, so to alienate 7 of her children shows that these children, although grown up by now, have come to terms with what she is trying to do with them, and they don't want this to happen, so it could be that they don't want to talk to her.

As she has gone back to Brasil, then that's her decision, and would appear to be the best place, and please I don't mean any harm by saying that.

You and your partner have your life to get on with, and what you are doing by looking after his mum is a great choice, so when you speak or ring your mum just be prepared for how and what she will say,so let in go in one ear and the other. L Geoff. x