Supporting husband and affair

[Supporting_Wife]

Where to start, im new here and after some advice.

Husband has just been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder with melancholic features rendering him to to psychotic episodes. After some advice on how to help as he doesnt talk to me. Before getting diagnosis i found out about him having an affair for several months which has hurt and still is like crazy and mind is all over the place.

Our reltionship was a little up and down early last year (like everyone can be) and we had our 3rd baby, a couple months later i could see things where the best with him and i try to get help but he wouldnt and just wanted to be out of the house and drink all the time. That now has stop as one day he nearly died but doesnt have any memory of it. He says he doesnt have an strong emotional connection to me and we havent been sexual for sometime but i love him alot and am committed to our relationship but needing advice as my head is all over the place.

[Croix]

Dear Supporting Wife~

I'd like to welcome you to the Forum. For many writing here can seem a strange and difficult thing to do. I'm also very sorry about your situation, it's one a lot of people here have had to live with and not and easy one to resolve.

From your point of view you want the husband you love back and are hoping there is some way to fix things. Really as the problem is not you than the things you can do are limited. Anyone with depression and similar mental illnesses needs ongoing competent medical support plus a lifestyle that promotes well-being.

This means of course it is up to your husband to seek treatment, actively try to do whatever therapies are prescribed, lead as healthy a lifestyle as possible - and most importantly try to look after you as best he can bearing in mind his illness..

The best you can do is to support him and encourage him to receive treatment and look after himself, not drinking and so on.

Is he currently having treatment, perhaps with meds and/or therapy?

I've been right down with depression and been remote and disconnected from my wife and family as a result. Looking back I can see love and concern was still there, just hidden. The hard thing for anyone in your situation to sort out is if your husband's behavior is a result of depression, or due to simply not caring as he once did, with depression not being the main cause.. Frankly having a long term affair does not sound that good.

The other thing to talk about is you. With three children, one very young, plus the pressures of your husband's condition and behavior it is very important you do not become ill yourself. In an ideal world a young mum has the work and hassles (and love) of looking after kids and the other things she needs to do, but does it in a situation where here partner cares and helps with everything too - a partnership. Here you have all that plus no support from your husband - quite the reverse in fact.

So you are in a pretty overwhelming and isolated situation. Do you have anyone to support and help you, someone you can talk to? This can be a parent, other member of your family or a good friend? Someone like that can make a huge difference.

I'd suggest you have a read in The Facts menu above about your husband's condition and also have a browse around this Forum to see how others like you have coped.

I'd like it if you felt free enough to post again

Croix

[Supporting_Wife]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your reply. My husband has started the process of getting treatment. He has seen the gp, finally a psychologist who diagnosed him and now waiting to psychiatrist to start medication. So in the right direction but slow due to wait list to see anyone.

He said the affair was hes outlet as he was dealing with anything. But for me i am in two different minds with all the affair stuff (i had people ring, send letter and things on social media all about it) and then how he is feeling. So i dont know where im at. Talking to others is hard as he doesn't want people to know especially about the affair (but so many already do i gather). Makes it hard as a lot of people that im good friends with, exercise with, my kids school mums (my friends) all know her.

I dont know what to do as im in two different directions. If i talk to anyone close and tell them whats going on i dont want to talk about the affair but then i fill i need to for my sake.

[Supporting_Wife]

Oops i meant he said maybe it was an outlet an he was coping.

But i just dont know how to cope with all the affair and everything at home (kids, etc) and then help him

Supporting Wife

[Croix]

Dear Supporting Wife~

I can understand exactly what you mean, it's a confusing time with no guidelines and risk to you and the kids either way.

I have hinted at this before, but the long-term affair does not sound like the depression I've had. In fact if one was being cynical one could say blaming depression makes for a pretty good excuse.

True I was not loving, in fact I was distant, self-absorbed and angry. I said that underneath I still cared even if I did not realist, actually at the time I was preoccupied with not hurting my wife and family.

Apart from that I just wanted to be alone, another relationship would just not have been on the cards. I would point out though that this was me, others may well be different.

I think you are right in saying you need to talk for your sake, so if it reflects badly on him that's just the way it is. Do you have one friend in particular you can be frank with?

I do notice one thing, you chose the name Supporting Wife. Do you really want to stay and support him despite the past or am I reading too much into that?

Perhaps seeing how things are when his treatment has a chance to take effect will give you time to mull things over (and see what he is like with his illness more under control).

Please let me know how you are getting on

Croix

[Supporting_Wife]

Hi Croix,

Thats where im finding it hard. Is it part of depression or something else. I know things were up and down for us but to do that. I read his report from psychologist (and dont know if im reading into it to much) and it says "he knows it was singularly unhelpful (although understandable) that he had an affair with another woman". Mind you she is 16 years younger than him but no excuse. So i don't know.....

I dont know if you reading to much into as my mind is all over the place as there is 2 things going on. And if i should wait and see what happens.

I love him dearly but am very broken as well.

I know he is not well.

Supporting Wife

[Croix]

Dear Supporting Wife~

Of course you are finding it hard, maybe 'next to impossible' might be a better description. Here on the Forum we can give thoughts and perspectives, but sadly have no concrete answers.

I can only say what I'd feel, please bear in mind I'm very old fashioned (I guess because I'm very old) and may take matters too seriously, but am also practical. Others may wel have a completely different take.

I regard the psychologist's words as 'less than helpful' and would ignore them completely. My reasoning is as follows

Your husband is his client and so he will slant things from that perspective. however it strikes me as important firstly that he said it was "understandable" - why? Because the lady was much younger and oyu husband has no willpower or is it some other reason, if so what?

Secondly the words indicate the of sort distanced formal regret one would expect from a corporation. He does not say either that your husband regrets his actions or understands how deeply he has hurt you.

As I say I'd leave that report to one side. Actually to be realistic I'd be surprised if a psychologist did say more in what could turn out to be a legal document.

You are wise enough to realize there are the two things going on. As the future of a relationship for the five of you is such a huge thing then if it was me and I felt strong enough I'd wait to see how his treatment panned out (which might take a while) and then decide what to do.

Just my opinion looking at my probable behavior, everyone is different

Croix

[Supporting_Wife]

Hi Croix

Thanks for replying. Yes two different things going on. Yes my family is very important to me. I just dont know how to be strong or if i can be anymore. I have been doing it for soo long now, dont know if i have anything left.

My husband is trying but our relationship is just not the same. I dont know what to or do as i dont know how he will react. He doesnt want to be touched (mainly by me) and just wants to be alone, gets frustrated and irritated easily (he is getting better). This is why im finding it hard (especially the fact he had an affair). Also the fact that he seems happy but as soon as im around or its me and him, hes not, so then im not. I dont know how to especially when everything reminds me of it all and how horrible everything is. Im numb and dont think i'll be enough for him anymore.

Supporting Wife

[Deyana]

I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same right now. Part of me wants to just give up on my ideal of the relationship and escape his horrible web of destruction... and learn to live again. I know I don't get treated as I should by him. He is horrible to me. He lies. I don't trust him anymore. It is just so hard to give up on in the man I once loved.. and still do. I stay because I don't want to give up my home, give up on the man he once was, damage my children and face an uncertain world alone. I understand it's so hard.. I am in so much pain. I will let u know and share anything helpful when I find some light;)

[Supporting_Wife]

Oh my gosh, so unbelievable (swear word) hard.

My husband is trying hard at home.

I am struggling so much and not coping that i cry or feel numb all the time plus other feelings. Dont know how to be strong anymore for my kids and husband (while he is struggling). Today i just had to get away (couldnt stop crying) to work out how to be strong and clear my head as i have so much going on i just dont how to do it. Any advice/suggestions please?

I think im struggling and not coping cas of fear and everything else. But at the moment i cant cope with the fact that i keep getting told my husband is having a affair and it still happening (have been told nearly most days for over the last 20 or so days). I want to believe its not and hes says its not. So Wednesday when i was told about it again i couldnt do it and was shaking so much that i told my husband that if i hear about it again or find out it still is thats it im done. And he will lose me and his 3 kids. Im in so much pain and broken and feel like im crumbling inside.

I said its not understandable and said he knows its not and knows he (swear word) up. But he struggling with everything.

I just dont how to think, feel or do much with out being reminded that my husband wanted to be with someone else and not me.