Struggling with a partner with bipolar

[Mr_Wombat]

I’ve been looking at these boards for a few weeks now, searching for common situations and advice that I could take on board.  But I think I just need to lay my situation on the table and hope for the best.   My wife and partner of 16 years suffers from schitzoaffective bipolar disorder, which she has likely dealt with since the birth of our first child 10 years ago.  She is receiving regular treatment through a psychiatrist, and is very aware of her illness.  I try to support her as much as I can, providing an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.  We’ve always gotten by, but the last 12 – 18 months have been very difficult.  She has been in and out of hospital for both physical and mental treatments, and has had a difficult time at work recently (including an episode of bullying and possible sexual harassment).  All of this has placed her into a very low place, which I can see takes a lot of her resources to just get by.  My issue is that, over the last 6-12 months or so, I have perceived a number of small things that I am having difficulty coping with.  Each is small, and in isolation I would have previously just shrugged it off and moved on.  But I have noticed a lessening of our physical and emotional relationship to the point where it feels like she doesn’t care, and at times, that I am an imposition to her.  It’s small things, like not showing an interest in how my day has been, showing any physical affection that isn’t instigated by me or saying “I Love You” that isn’t a response to me saying it first, but has chipped away at my resolve over the past year. I haven’t brought it up with her as I don’t want to upset her as I can see she is struggling.  I have mentioned the disconnect/distance I have noticed to her psychiatrist, but her job is to focus on my wife’s welfare, not mine.  I am afraid that, if I mention anything it will come out wrong and it will either seem like I am attacking her or just whining about minor issues.   I guess all I am looking for is some feedback as to whether anyone else has had a similar experience Overall, I feel like she just doesn’t care. I know that this is probably not the case, and the above is down to her using her resources to cope with just getting through the day, but it still hurts.  I can see that life has been hard for her, and I need to make allowances for her illness, but I also need to make sure I don’t burn myself out.  I would just like to know that what’s happening with me is not uncommon. 

[white knight]

Hi Mr Wombat welcome to beyond blue forums

I am likely not the ideal person to reply. But my guess is that your wife hasnt lost her love for you, she is really struggling with her meds and illness. This has caused much decline in day to day things like responding to you or initiating loving actions.

But carers need looking after too. I wrote an article some time ago called "who cares for the carer?" You might find it on google or search on this page. It goes on to say that sufferers of mental illness need to "step up" and welcome their partner home when they walk in or make them a cuppa occasionally etc. If a sufferer can answer a phone call or talk to friends then they can do the above also. Otherwise they are taking advantage of their illness and the goodwill of the willing horse that will feel is being flogged.

I think your wife has a more serious illness than that however and it needs a lot of patience. Please dont push it or criticise her. Instead appreciate what she is capable of giving to you. You could also remind her of the better times (in terms of affection) "remember when we were at ....and you held my hand all day" etc.

Finally, medications can severely impact sexual drive. A chat to her doctor is the first step there.

Tony WK

[Mr_Wombat]

Thanks Tony, I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I also think that I need to have patience, however sometimes I feel like I don't have the reserves to show the patience she needs.  I am about to start some counselling for myself through my state Carer's association, so hopefully this will help me come up with some coping strategies to get through this until we hit the next upswing.

While I know my wife's case is complex, it has been reassuring to see that I'm not alone.

[DarlinClementine]

Hi Mr Wombat,

I'm new here,and I just read your post which really spoke to me.

While I unfortunately don't have any answers for your situation, I just wanted to say that I can relate to the feelings you are experiencing.

My partner has bi polar, and when he gets triggered he pushes me away emotionally. He rarely initiates affection, and at times can be downright hurtful.

I also struggle with wanting to be understanding and supportive of his mental health, but wanting to look after myself and have my needs met too. It's exhausting and sometime's takes all my strength to remember that he loves me underneath it all.

Reading your post was an inspiration for me. It sounds like you are doing your best to be a loving and supportive partner over this difficult time. It's wonderful that you're looking after yourself and having your own counselling. I really hope it's helping you.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in how you're feeling.

Take care

[Mr_Wombat]

Hi DarlinClementine

 Thank you for taking the time to comment.  It really does help to know that I'm not alone in how I am feeling.  Hopefully you have some support structures in place as well to help you get through the down times.  I've tried to do it alone for too long but have recently seen that pushing all the frustrations down helps no one - my partner included.

Again, thank you.