Struggling to support someone you love

[Lightbeam]

Hi everyone!

Last month, Paul started a thread for feedback about "Is your partner supportive of your Anxiety/Depression" which had great comments from both carer's/loved ones & sufferers.

At the time, I had just discovered my now ex-partner (who suffers from PTSD, depression & anxiety) was leading a double life. He has been completely in denial about his actions, his responsibilities to me, our relationship and his mental health. Although I am now over the initial shock, the hurt just sits so deep within & I am struggling with my own overwhelming emotions.


While I understand the way he behaves (currently reading an amazing book regarding trauma & it's effect on the brain) and can feel compassion towards him & the pain he is dealing (or maybe NOT dealing) with, I won't condone his behaviour.


I am struggling at the loss of our relationship, his lies, the anger, the inability to even consider how his actions have affected me, his selfishness, the goading of "hate me, hate me" & the guilt I feel over not being able to get him the help he needs. I am also really concerned about his current well-being & dread the possibility of getting the call to say he has taken his life, a threat he has often made & in times when he is ok, we have discussed the impact this act would have on those who love him. I have ceased any contact with him as I just can no longer take anymore of his darkness on board. Close friends who are aware of his mental health struggles are keeping check on him.


I am focusing on looking after my own well-being & am currently struggling with what emotion to deal with first, it is such a roller-coaster. Some days, I feel like I can no longer put the "brave" face on anymore when underneath, I am falling apart.


I would really value experiences & comments from both sides on this particular thread, a shared experience will increase understanding for all involved.


The impact that mental health has on everyone is monumental. It is hard to see someone you love suffer so deeply and it is really hard making (and sticking) with the decision to walk away because there is absolutely nothing more you can do, ultimately, the responsibility lies with him.


Thanks for listening!

xx

[geoff]

dear Lightbeam, I'm sorry it's been a few days since you first posted so I hope that you can accept our apologies.
It is so devastating to find out what your partner has been doing, because living aa double life is a shock that you never expected, but the problem here is that he is unaware of what he has been doing, so this creates an enormous concern for those around him, as well as himself, not that he knows.
The love between the both of you could still be there, but it's when you can't understand why he is doing all of this but what he needs is to get a diagnosis and by living a double life means that he really needs to be on medication.
People who have this condition are difficult to monitor because they won't take their medication regularly, which can cause a great of worry, not only for himself but also for other people, so it's great concern.
Are his friends able to call the police as he doesn't seem to be seeing a doctor, and say to them that they feel he is at risk of hurting himself, where they will take him there and then he will be diagnosed by the professionals and then given the appropriate medication.
He will then have to be checked by the team at the hospital who will try and get a blood samle off him and see if he is taking his medication, because the big problem is, as I said, is that they don't take their tablets, so they will need to be monitored on a regular basis.
It's so sad for you to find out what your partner is doing, and certainly nothing you would expect.
I feel so sorry for you and for him to suffer like this. Geoff. x

[Lightbeam]

Thank you for your response Geoff, it is much appreciated!

It is a very tough position to be in for sure. The love is certainly still there from both sides. It is watching the painful slide of self-destruction & self-loathing that is so difficult for me, which is why I now need to step back. I have full confidence in the small group of friends who are aware of his current state (including a friend who is a police officer) and that they will take the action that is necessary.

He has always flatly refused medication & has often started out to see his GP/Psychologist but then never sticks to it. Drinking has always been a major problem too. I truly don't think he is fully aware of how sick he actually is, keeping in mind also that it has been a long term battle never addressed.

My focus at the moment is on my own self-care & I have complete faith in his friends. I am also ever so grateful to have the BB forums to vent on, as many can't understand why I offer him so much compassion & understanding when he hasn't actually been a very nice person.

With much gratitude xx

[geoff]

dear Lightbeam, thanks for getting to me, it means so much.
At the moment alcohol is his sole avenue of release, and this can happen, it happened with me while I was in depression and nothing else mattered except for my alcohol, although I tried so hard to have a relationship with my 2 sons, but they hated to see me drinking non-stop, just as my wife (ex) and it was one of the reasons why she divorced me, and for that part I don't blame her, but there was much more to my story.
You know that all of this has been very traumatic for yourself, and all you wanted to do was to try and be compassionate as well as understanding towards him in the hope that he would change, but when someone is hooked on alcohol then it's an enormous effort to try and get him to change, in other words the 'pull of addiction has a stronger effect'.
Now you need to look after yourself and need to understand that what ever you try to do to help him won't work, so this is where you have to try and build up your self confidence by either seeing a psychologist and/or by going to some help resort where you can walk and see all the beauty in the country, take spas or jump in the pool and just relax.
Although you may not want to close the door on this relationship, perhaps it would be a good idea and if by any chance he changes then it could be re-fornmed once again, but I'm sure there are plenty of great guys out there all waiting for someone as good as youto knock on their door. Geoff. x

[Lightbeam]

Thank you again Geoff!

Your kindness, wisdom & advice is appreciated so much.

It has been an incredibly tough time with so much to process. I have an appointment next week with a psychologist as at the moment, I am finding the mix of emotions so overwhelming. Taking care of myself will be the main priority right now & whatever happens, happens!!

And thanks for your vote of confidence too!

Kindest wishes x