Hi Holly,
I'm not sure I have advice, but my story is very similar. My long-term boyfriend has broken up with me many times, and has said incredibly hurtful and nasty things to me when he is most depressed (or falling into a dark state). I also had anxiety years ago and overcame it, so I understand when he says (as you probably do) they he cannot help or control how he feels at times.
One thing I can say is do not allow yourself to be sucked into the same hole. Having someone you love treat you like this, especially because of a disease, is exhausting. You might feel like you can't win right now, because I sure do.
Could you calmly sit down with your boyfriend, hold his hand and say everything you're feeling? Say you love him, you want to be there as he gets better but you also need to look after your own health so you cannot tolerate any kind of emotional abuse? Perhaps not in those words, and you would know how to talk to him best, but maybe he needs to hear you say it seriously.
I really do know how you feel. Helpless, tired and perhaps having doubts about your future with him.
Having a partner with depression is incredibly challenging. You might feel alone or like you carry the relationship on your shoulders. There needs to be a point where either he chooses to get help, or you make a stand that you can't continue to make yourself unhealthy because he refuses to. I would get everyone he loves in the same room, have a talk about your worries and devise a plan.
I don't want to talk away myself from my relationship, but it's tiring and frustrating.
I'm going to keep helping and supporting but I told my partner he needs to do his part in going to the doctors, attending his appointments, making an effort to eat a healthy meal that I cook ect.
So you can help by making things easier (telling him to join you on a walk, researching therapists and giving him a list ect), but it is ultimately on him who can help himself, which can be the toughest thing to accept.
Thinking of you Holly, and empathising with you.
