Struggling to find best way to support a partner with depression... Help!

[confused_female_melb]

I am in a relationship with a partner who has depression and whilst I am trying my best to be supportive if f eel like I'm not doing a very good job. As well as this, how do I deal with my needs emotionally  without feeling selfish?? Would love to hear from people who are or have been in this situation. Or any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

[Pixie15]

Hi confused female, I know from experience that it is difficult to live with someone with depression. If your partner is receiving treatment the main thing I think you can do is to support their efforts. For any treatment to work the sufferer has to take responsibility for their own care. If you try to do too much for them you can end up being a caretaker rather than a care giver. I told my partner that I would leave if he did not seek help and it created a very difficult situation. In retrospect I think it would of been better for me to just leave. I think it is important to look after your own health and continue pursuing your own interests. If you try to limit your activities just to what your partner can manage it may make the situation worse for both of you. I am not sure that it helps the depressed person to have someone hovering around waiting for them to get better. It is good to support them to do the things they can enjoy. If your partner likes animals you may consider a pet. I bought my partner a puppy last year and I think it helped. He seems much happier having the puppy get him out of bed in the morning for a walk. Emotional dependence is a risk especially I think for women who are more hard wired for the caring role. It can be useful to get to know about codependency. You could also consider some therapy for yourself. I do not think it is good to try to sustain a relationship at the expense of your own emotional, psychological or physical health especially if your partner is not doing what they can to seek the help they need. The best piece of advice I have had is that when you do go off for a break to remind yourself that your enjoying yourself is not making anybody worse off. Best wishes, Mulberry

[amamas]

Hi there

I'm going to call you caring female instead of confused.  Because let's face it there is so much about depression that is confusing but not everyone cares enough to find the best way to help. 

So, caring female firstly, there is nothing selfish about looking after yourself and your needs.  In fact one of the best things you could do for your partner is address and attend to your needs.  The journey out of depression is often a very long road.  Your partner will need your support and love for a long time and to be able to do this you need to look after YOU.  As far as I'm aware Beyond Blue has some good tips that may help you with that.

I have had depression for years now and from my personal experience the people in my life that have helped me feel the most supported are the ones who have accepted me as I am in that moment.  They have listened to me without giving "advice".  The big one for me has been that when I have felt my worst like all there is left is my depression, they have reminded me of who I really am.  That depression is an illness not me.  They have done this by still seeing the real me and holding onto the complete belief that I am still there (they have held my hope when I have none).

I'm sorry if this sounds confusing to you.  I'll be happy to try to rephrase  anything you need me to.  I often "stumble" on my words and don't get them out quite right.

Lastly, you didn't say if your partner is getting professional help or not?  From my experience a good therapist is an absolute must!

Take care caring female

Cheers amamas

[geoff]

dear Confused, you can't blame yourself for believing that you feel as though you are not doing a good job.

We can do everything possible that we think will be able to help this person, but the depressed person lives in a world of their own, and that seems to be unfair to them, but whatever my ex and even my 2 sons tried to help me I rejected everything they did, or said to me.

It wasn't because I didn't love them, because I did, and now I love them more than ever, but I just didn't accept any ideas that they threw at me, so to answer your question you shouldn't believe as though you are selfish, and I never thought that once they had given up on me that they were being selfish or one sided.

It's very easy for you to feel this way, but you shouldn't, and even if he/she blames you it's only depression making them talk like this.

So please don't take what they say to heart, it's easy to do I know, but it's not your fault, because depression does stupid things to us. Geoff.