Struggling to cope with my husbands depression :(

[Broken23]

My husband & I have been together for 16years, we have 5 children together. He has always been depressed, & an abuser of alcohol. About 6 years ago he bottomed out. He became a stranger, hated his life, his job & started hanging out with odd people, he drank heavily. We went through 3 years of hell & I lost all trust in him, I kicked him out. I am a strong person, & our relationship was one I was committed to with everything I had, but he broke me. When he came back we talked it all through, he gave up drinking, started antidepressants, but wouldn't see a counsellor. It's now been 3 years & he's still quite up & down but not as bad as before. I have slowly rebuilt my trust in him & vice versa, but now we've reached a point where it's all just going round in circles. He can't be positive, he has no friends & guilt trips me when I see mine, we work from home together & he won't take a break. He wants everything yesterday, and while our business is only in the start up phase and money is extremely tight it's causing more stress.

I am totally drained. I feel like I have given so much of myself & when I need to be supported he can't do it. I myself am in chronic pain all day everyday with back issues. I do what I can to my limitations, but some days I feel as though he just expects it all to be better and because I hide my pain it's like he can tell himself it doesn't exist anymore.

At the core of it all is that he has no belief in himself in any aspect of his life, as a husband, a father, an artist (his job), a friend. None of them ever match up to his expectations that he puts on himself, so he's never ever satisfied with anything. He makes comments all the time about the kids & myself & I know he is growing in resentment towards us because his reasoning comes back "if we didn't have the kids, if I hadn't of held us back with going into business etc we'd be in a much better place now."

To be honest I feel like I just want out, I love him & I have tried everything to help him, I have picked him up & supported him. But I feel as though it's all been for what? Is this how the rest of my life is going to be? Always waiting for him to pull himself out of a black hole, being driven down there myself month after month as I wear the blame for everything wrong in his life? Waiting patiently for those small windows of happiness to enjoy him again. Sorry I don't even know what question I'm really asking, but I obviously needed to vent 😞

[Doolhof]

Hi Broken,

Thanks for sharing your story with us and welcome to the Beyond Blue community. It certainly sounds like you have yourself in a bit of a situation.

My husband and I have been together for 26 years, both have depression and have certainly been through our tough times.

It is very difficult to change a person into who you would like them to be! I have learnt that all I can do is to change myself and try to encourage my husband in any way I can, so he might slowly become a happier person.

I thank my husband for everything he does for me, even though I don't get many thanks back in return. I try to give him compliments and let him know how much I appreciate him. Maybe you could try encouraging your husband and his attitude might slowly change.

I also try and do things that I enjoy doing. You mentioned your husband gives you a hard time when you are with friends, that does make life a little more difficult, but you need to keep up your friendships.

Can you invite friends over to your place for a meal so your husband has interaction with other people?

You could try phoning the help line here at Beyond Blue or use the webchat and ask for advice and ideas on how to cope and change things for the better.

Or you could try writing everything out so all these thoughts and feelings are not stuck in your head going around and around.

Could you go away for a weekend somewhere, stay with a friend or a family member? Maybe even go out for a day.

Tell your husband honestly how bad your back is. He might not understand, but at least he will have that knowledge.

I hope some of this helps! Relationships can be difficult and some need a bit of help to get them back on track again. I wish you well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Vh09]

Broken, I'm so sad for you, as I too live with a husband that has depression. I have seven month old twins and am having to raise them on my own as my husband tries to manage his illness. I don't have any specific advice to give, because being the wife of someone with depression myself I know that so much advice can he thrown at you that it can sometimes be overwhelming, but also I too don't know what to do in my own situation. I just want to send you love and say I know how you feel, I know how much we can suffer as partners watching this happen to the people we love and how often our attempts at helping seem to have no effective and sometimes no value, but I have to believe that even though it might seem futile to us, just being there with them must make some difference. You should be proud of how much you are prepared to commit to your marriage. You clearly love him very much. And even though sometimes it may not feel like it, you are a very strong person. Xxxxxx