Struggle street with partner

[Pawsitive]

Hi all,

New to the forum and need some advice. My wife has told me that she has depression - this isn't a new revelation for us, as she has been struggling with it for some time. She previously sought some professional help, then stopped due to the costs involved, and is now trying an online course to help her out. I think this is a positive. I can't see her considering medication at all. While I don't think depression needs justification, there have been enough difficulties in her life to warrant it, so I try to be understanding.

However, it's very frustrating for us both. As a very optimistic/excitable person, I struggle daily to understand where she's coming from, her mood swings (or not feeling anything at all). Her libido is non-existent, which in turn has caused me a lot of body image issues myself (previously I've had an eating disorder so these things affect me more than they should), but she has become paranoid that I'm going to cheat on her and leave her and says this is the reason she's starting to pull away from me (she has had crazy girlfriends in the past that did so). I then become paranoid that she's falling out of love with me, and it exacerbates the issue. Anything I say, if it can be remotely considered a negative, she manages to misconstrue into some crazy self-criticism - and I hate to think that I'm contributing to this, but I don't just want to keep her out of the loop on my thoughts. Maybe I should for now?

She tells me a lot that she's "putting on a face" and always has, and in turn that I don't know who she really is/only get along with the 'fake' her as when she doesn't have the energy to keep up the front we end up having a fight. We've been arguing more than lately, and I try to not get involved but it just comes out of nowhere and is so unexpected.

She has no interest in having hobbies of any kind, and I feel she begrudges me my own interests and makes negative comments about them, and has lost all the passion she used to have for social justice issues etc saying she "doesn't care". She doesn't want any friends, and as we do most things together our social life has practically died, and has no interest in planning for our future.

I am not going to leave her, but am filled with dread as to whether we will have an argument, or how she's going to be feeling...

A little lost in what to do here. How can I help her? How long does this go on for? Am I being selfish in feeling impatient over it all? Is anyone else feeling like this?

[Pawsitive]

Just to add some context - in the past year we've done an interstate move (due to my job), and her mother has also moved in with us temporarily (ish - she goes back and forth from a rural area). There was a very very turbulent period when I moved first. She has a lot of family guilt and also struggles with her own sense of self worth regularly. I honestly think she is the most amazing person I've ever met, with so much to give, and love her dearly - that she cannot see any of these things upsets me no end. I feel that I cannot make her happy, and am therefore failing our relationship, but I also feel that I'm causing her unhappiness some of the time - or that she blames me for it. Round-and-around-and-around...!

[hawaii88]

Hi Pawsitive,

I totally feel your pain.  My husband has depression and it's a daily struggle.  I too am a positive person and some days truly struggle with trying to 'carry' his moods on my shoulders.  We have 2 small children and I want them to have a happy family.  My husband is a wonderful father but at times it seems like he thinks the world is against him.  I have my days were I just want to slap him and tell him to snap out of it!  I know this is totally wrong and have of course never actually done this.  But my frustration is growing and i am really worried that our marriage won't sustain this.  I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him as I don't want to upset him or make him feel bad for his illness.  But I feel that this is also bringing distance between us, which is not good for our relationship.  To be honest it is very hard.  My husband has been on various medications and they are always being adjusted.  At first when his meds are adjusted it seems like we're heading in the right direction, but it doesn't seem to last much more than a week. I enjoy my optimistic attitude and feel guilty for not having more patience and understanding.  I am doing the best I can, as I'm sure you are too.  Remember to take care of yourself, enjoy your friends and enjoy your life,  As I'm sure you don't want to start resenting your wife.  It was wonderful to read your post as I thought I was the only partner in the world to be feeling frustrated and helpless.  I wish you the best of luck for the future and thank you for sharing your story.

[HA1]

Hello Pawsitive

Welcome to Beyond Blue forum discussions.  It is good to see that you are reaching out in order to enable you to better understand what your wife is going through.

But, and I hope you don't mind me saying so, in my opinion depreciation does not necessarily require justification - it happens.  It happens to the healthy and the unwell, and to those that least expect it. 

You say that your wife does not get support from a health professional.  Can you tell me whether she has seen a GP about this and has she been formally diagnosed with depression, or anxiety?  Has she ever been prescribed medication? And finally, why do you believe she would not accept medication or treatment?  From what you have described of her, she suffers all the symptoms that many of us with mental illness carry around.  It is not pleasant, and can be very difficult on the partner/carer.

Depression requires some form of treatment, and it's good to see your wife has gone on-line to do courses, without treatment and other support mechanisms the risk is that it will fester around for long time untreated.  And then it only becomes more difficult to address.

I can understand that it is very frustrating for both of you, and it is important that not only she but also you ensure that you both have adequate care and support.  And you have done the right thing in turning to us on this forum for support.

There is a lot more I would like to say, but will end it there and hope that you will come back perhaps with answers to some of the questions I have asked.  Just helps to better understand the situation.

Again, welcome to BB forum, I look forward to hearing back from you.

Take care

K

[Pawsitive]

Thank you so much for the response, I really appreciate it.

I don't think it requires justification, but there are plenty of things exacerbating it (in my opinion anyway!) or that maybe have triggered it recently? (Is that a thing?)

She has previously been to a doctor, referred to a psychologist and spoken to them, and I suppose formally diagnosed then with depression, but not anxiety as far as I know. In all of the things we talk about, this is one of the things she least likes to discuss - so I am very much in the dark about it.

She doesn't "believe" in medication, as I suggested to her that it would be worth going to the doctor and trying it out. Perhaps she has tried meds before and it didn't work, or has a fear of them (there has been substance abuse in the past before we met). I'm not sure, but she becomes quite angry when I suggest it and has said things about it changing her personality and that she doesn't want them messing with her head. She also gets angry when I suggest speaking to a therapist again (and accuses me of saying there's something wrong with her).

I don't know the extent to her depression. She said to me that she has had suicidal thoughts, but would never act on them because she couldn't do that to her mum, me and our animals. That wasn't really an answer I was happy to hear.

I would like to see her get formalised treatment, in person, but she is very resistant to the suggestion that she's sick. I think she swings between agreeing she is depressed and just thinking that it's "who she is".

Thanks again!

[Pawsitive]

Hi Hawaii,

I know what you mean. I have to hold myself back from saying "get a grip!" as I know it's not fair - so hard to see why they're struggling with certain things, or not as excited/interested when you are, and so negative about doing anything.
I'm not feeling resentment yet, but really know it could be a possibility if I don't leave the house and socialise on my own (which I'm also not keen on)!

Do you think the medication helps?

So glad (in an awful way) I'm not the only one feeling like this. It's sometimes like we're speaking a different language to each other emotionally.

She says a lot that she feels "drained" by other people/work (which is customer-facing) and then doesn't have the emotional energy to really talk to me at the end of everything. I can't always determine if this is just because she's quite introverted, or whether it's the depression "talking". Ahck!

[HA1]

Hi again Pawsitive

Thanks for that background info.  It clarifies a lot.  And, I agree with you that while it does not require justification, the triggers are the things to focus on.  I know this is difficult, because you are her, but you been able to get a sense of what triggers her moods?  This in my opinion is very important.

It also worries me a little if she gets defensive about anxiety. It does sound to me that she really needs to speak to a professional - even if she refuses medication, then talk to a psychologist.  If you get a referral from your GP and get a mental health plan agreed, then your wife will be entitled to 10 free consultations.

I would like to stew a little bit more about your issue,  so will stop now.  But in the meantime, I am sure that others on this forum will engage with you, and offer some more concrete support than I have thus far.

Take care 

K

[Mummy_trying]

Hi Pawsitive & Hawaii88,

It was nice (sadly) to read of someone having similar experiences to myself. My husband has Bipolar II with major depression. I have always been a very happy person too and also think why cant he just get over it! I know you should never say that to some with depression but sometimes the issue is just so small. I think the most heart breaking thing for me was when he couldn't even crack a smile at the birth of our first baby.

I understand its very difficult not to take things personally. My husband is FIFO has his manic episodes at work where he is confident, talkative, energectic and hardly sleeps. Then has his depression at home. I know its wrong but I cant help but think why cant you have a manic episode at home? Is it me? Do I not make you happy? You just really need to drill into your own mind that it is not personal and that the person you love is just seriously unwell.

I have learnt some triggers with my husband and make a concious effort to rid these of our life.

I also start the day with how did you sleep? How are you feeling? Then I know how I can prepare for the day. 

Most importantly make time for yourself. Keep doing things that you enjoy. Maintain your friendships. Look after yourself too.

[Pawsitive]

Mummy_trying, that sounds so hard, I can't imagine how that feels. We're lucky in that we don't want children, so at least it's just us to worry about. It's so hard not to take things like that personally, but hard not to... ! I had this thought the other day that perhaps she won't feel anything at our wedding (we can't technically get married under AU law, so already call and consider each other spouses, but I do want a ceremony).

Thanks for this - I should look out for the triggers too. Often it's weirdly subtle - like when we walk to the bus for work in the morning she hangs back and/or puts in her headphones, or she just doesn't talk much... guess it's a constant act of keeping a close eye on them?

FIFO must be really tricky. Wifey used to do night shifts and that was enough time apart for us being on different schedules. I thought that us both doing the same hours would work, but perhaps wishful thinking.

Thinking of you both and your partners. Fingers crossed we can all help them get through this.

[Pawsitive]

Triggers day to day are hard to come across. We do have difficult work schedules - long hours, and a lot of responsibilities and financial commitments that are stresses.

I'll bring it up again re: GP tonight. She told me that she went for a couple of sessions provided for free through her work, and that after that it was $120 an hour and she didn't want to pay it, so that sounds much better. Will let you know how we go with the discussion.

I have a personal theory, that I haven't brought up with her, that it's maybe PTSD? A discussion we had the other night, about her lack of passion in social justice now (which she'd previously been v v involved in to the point of activism/rescue etc), she said that maybe that was the cause of it, and that it made her miserable/shut off. Not sure if that has prompted it in some way. Then again, could be overthinking completely.