Recovering, but having to support depressed friend as well

[myvroses]

Dear friends,

I suffered from depression for about 8 years, but last year I finally went and received professional help. I consider myself to be in recovery. Even though life is still difficult, I’m in a much better mindset and I’m more equipped to cope when I am having problems.

My best friend of 9 years has been depressed for much longer than I have, but has refused to seek professional help until recently after years of encouragement on my part. He has always been quite verbal about his depression and everyone around him, including myself, have tried to be as supportive and accommodating as possible. I had hoped that my recovery would somehow help him and give him hope that while difficult, things can get better.

However, he maintains his pessimistic attitude and often just feels sorry for himself. It has reached a point where I am constantly emotionally exhausted. While I feel like I have come a long way to reach this point, I’m beginning to think he is holding me back as his constant reliance on me is taking a toll on my mental well-being.

He knows that his behaviour is negatively affecting me and regularly apologises and feels bad about it. He wants to change, but thinks that it is impossible and will come up with every excuse. At times, I think he is emotionally manipulating me as he threatens self-harm or suicide. The most recent incident was a few weeks ago when I told him I was in a relationship. He was extremely upset and felt that I had betrayed him. It resulted in me taking him to the hospital. He is now on medication and gets regular, random visits from doctors and has begun therapy. I don’t want him to think I am abandoning him at this crucial point in his life as I think that will cause him to spiral, but I am also reaching my breaking point and don’t want to undo all the hard work it has taken me to recover.

I need guidance. What can I do?

[Narniakid]

Hi myvroses!

I am sorry to hear about your situation - it's quite a tough one!

Unfortunately, we cannot force someone to receive professional help, so you really have done all that you can; you have offered advice, and been an excellent support network for him. 

An important thing to remember when you have friends and family with mental illness is to support them, but not take on their problems as your own. It's so important to know the difference between being a good friend, and stressing yourself out with their issues. 

Ultimately it is up to him to make the decision to seek professional help. Explain to him that you've been more than supportive but his condition is beginning to stress you out, so you'll just have to take a step back. 

Have a read of the advice on caring for people with anxiety and depression  here on the website, you might find something to help you.

Remember that putting yourself and your own mental health behind someone else's is NOT modesty; take care of yourself!

Crystal

[pipsy]

Hi myvroses.  The thing to concentrate on here is your own long road to recovery.  You've done so much for yourself, now you're trying to achieve the impossible.  You can't do anything for your friend till he is ready to 'help' himself.  He's relying on you totally, because it's easier than helping himself.  Everything you did for you, you did basically alone, because you knew what you were feeling every step of the way.  He relied on you solely, and when you said you were in a relationship, he got jealous.  Does he have family?  He's now on meds and gets regular treatment, there is nothing more you can do.  Sorry, but I think you need to take a step back and help him understand that, while you are friends and always will be, you have your own life.  The more you let him lean on you, the more he will.  Keep in touch, but expect more tantrums when you don't 'jump to attention'.  He is using every emotional crutch he can.  I wouldn't say, break the friendship completely, but let him know you have your own life.  I would also have a word with his G.P/therapist about his emotional 'blackmail'.  That's what it is.  If he was going to self harm, I think he would have.  That's emotional 'black mail'.