Just stuck!

[Tryingtobethere15]

Hi there

My husband and I have been married for only 2 years but been together forever. It hasn't been a happy start to married life at all, the bad moments definitely outweigh the good. He was diagnosed with depression six months ago and has been taking Fluoxetine 20mg without any real follow ups or discussion. He tried 1-2 psych. appointments but didn't like them. He has also always had issues with anger management.

I do love this man but his behaviour is so erratic and basically verbally and emotionally abusive (at times). Trust me, I am no angel but he loves me one second then calls for a divorce the next second. I feel so alone in this marriage. He works FIFO and the week he is home is usually pretty standard. The first few days are good, we have a fight and then we stay separate for the last few days of his break. He constantly changes his moods from tears to anger and I just cannot keep up. He tells me that he needs me more than anyone because he is falling apart and acknowledges that he pushes me away all the time. When he is angry he tells me he doesn't want to be anywhere near me, doesn't respect me etc etc...I want to help but I just don't know how.

Don't get me wrong, there is good here (I know it doesn't sound like it) - we have what I guess is called a sexless marriage which is killing me because we weren't always like this but for the last three years it really hasn't been existent at all.

After speaking with my mum (who loves him) she has actually said that she wouldn't stick around because he is too erratic and it's been going on for too long.

Help! strategies, advice, tips....reality check. Whatever it is, please. This is not such a happy new year (he is currently getting ready to just take off for the night then flies out tomorrow)

Thanks

[pipsy]

Dear Tryingtobethere.  I'm wondering (I'm no psyc), but it almost sounds as though he may have bipolar.  From other posts I've read re: this problem, it could well be.  he goes from anger to not speaking to tears.  Perhaps the meds he's on are the wrong ones for him.   Have you tried talking to your G.P about this.  If you go to see your G.P and tell him what's going on, there's a chance he will want to see your hubby to discuss with him.  If your hubby refuses to go, I would just say, it's either that, or I walk.   He needs reviewing for his meds anyway, so the G.P would be your best bet.  I can understand your mum saying what she said, but that doesn't really help you.  That kind of pressure, you don't need.  If he has bipolar, the G.P could prescribe something that would help better.  There is an area on BB that looks at bipolar, not sure where it is, but I have seen other posts concerning this problem.  If you look under medical, there may be something there that could help you too.

Good luck.

[TJFish]

Dear Trying to be there. You have one of the hardest jobs going and you have used an apt statement to describe it. Not only do you have to get on with your own personal growth and development but you are trying to assist someone you love as well.  All the while holding down a job, friendships, family relationships etc. I have found that sometimes the influence or control I have over the situation is very small, that is, it is very hard to get a man to the GP or to seek professional help.  What I notice is that if I concentrate on myself and what I am doing for me it helps.  This means self care is important, when he is out of the house and your routine is not disrupted keep up good eating and exercise.  Do some yoga, try some deep breathing, in through the nose and out through the mouth, look after yourself as a number one priority, it will give you the physical energy to get through the times he is at home. Sometimes too it is important to work out your patterns of interacting.   For example, when he is reacting immaturely or irrationally, does this mean it makes it is hard for you not to react? Do you find that inner child (and I don't mean the fun, positive inner child) comes out and before you know it you are both escalated and reacting against each other. This does not mean that you cannot set boundaries for behaviour etc but it just means looking at what you can influence and control. And in these situations the person you have the most control over is yourself.  If you find that you do not escalate as much you ultimately feel better about your situation - it also may just have a positive impact on what is going on as someyimes when we keep doing the same thing we keep getting the same result.  If he is not able to seek productive professional help  perhaps you can to provide support and assistance to you. This is just about your personal growth after all, it is not about you being the one with the problem.  Leaving will not be easy, staying will be just as hard, looking after yourself is a must.

[Tryingtobethere15]

Hi pipsy

Thanks for this. You are not the first person to mention bipolar. When he went to a psych a while ago he was prescribed something but he didn't want to take it as it would lower his already low libido due to his depression. At this stage I was happy he was taking steps to progress so I accepted this.

Then he went to a random doctor and after 15 minutes he is diagnosed with his current medication with 5 repeats. He said it helps to 'lift his mood' and has noticed positive changes but I am concerned that there is no real follow up appointment and so many repeats.

I love this man and want to help him but I think the best step at the moment may be to look after myself. Any suggestions I make, he sees as an attack right now. He flew out this morning for a week so I might just take a mental break from my marriage, not push for it to be defined e.g. his demands for a divorce . I have and will continue to let him know that I am here for him though.

It's also been a tough few months for me as both my grandmother and father passed away and in the last two weeks I have been very emotional with Xmas etc and we have both been sleep deprived, adding to the tension I suppose.

It's just so so hard.

[Tryingtobethere15]

Beautiful words, thank you.

In the last few months I have lost my grandmother and father and the last two weeks have been particulary hard on me with limited sleep and a lot of tears with Christmas and family gatherings etc.

After speaking with friends, I am going to look after myself. My husband flew out to work this morning so it's just going to be a focus on looking after myself. I even had my first nap today after being on holidays for two weeks.I have booked in to see someone also so that will help.

We do not communicate well in an argument, we butt heads as we are so similar and have acknowledged it all the time (yet, it doesn't seem to change in the heat of the moment). I am not going to indulge in conversations about divorce as I normally would perhaps even pushing him to basically say it, rather I will just let him know I am here for him but I will be taking an emotional break on my marriage and working on me and what I need.

[geoff]

dear TTBT, as soon as I read your comment it sounded like he may have bipolar, not that I'm qualified to say, but after years of depression then sometimes we are able to judge, however he hasn't been handled very well by his psych or doctor, but that's my opinion.

Fluoxetine was also no good with me as it made it so much harder to get sexually aroused, so to speak, so then my doctor changed my antidepressants (AD) straight away, and was never given any time to dry out from the previous AD.

It's never much fun continually arguing in a marriage or a relationship, but if this is caused by not being given the correct medication, then the blame rests on his professionals, and by saying that is a bold statement, but the doctor and your husband has try what ever medication and AD's that would help him.

It's also common for the depressed person in this marriage wanting to end the marriage, but until he is taking the right medication then a rational decision can be made, but long and short of it, is that you have to look after yourself, and this also means when your husband is back home.

It's very hard to argue with someone in depression, because to them everything is negative and there's no way to even try and convince him that he's making the wrong decision, so when this happens walk away and have a coffee with a friend, so by the time you return his bipolar cycle could then be on a happier note. Geoff. x

[Tryingtobethere15]

I will also add that I am not in a great space but no mental illness (I checked with my doctor). I lost both my dad and my grandmother in the last three months and it's really only taking its toll in the last few weeks.

[Tryingtobethere15]

Thank you Geoff.

Your post was very helpful. I don't know how to discuss his depression/bipolar with him especially at the moment because it is so heated. 

Ive been a mess the last two weeks as I think I'm finally dealing with the death of my dad so it hasn't been a happy household.

Our fighting style is horrible and he does tell me to just give him space but sometimes I just keep pushing. I will try to walk away more but my question is when he returns to a happy state do we ever resolve the previous conflict because he seems happy to say 'sorry, it's done now. Move on'. It's so hard because he says such hurtful things and that just breeds so much distrust because he loves me one second then discounts those comments the next second.

I know that I will always try to be there for him but if he comes back from work still wanting a divorce, what do I do?

[pipsy]

Dear TTBT.  I would try to refrain from getting into any discussions with him re: mental health issues.  If he persists in divorce discussion, I would tell him, anything you want, you can have, but it's up to you.  If he is so depressed as Geoff says, he possibly won't even remember talking 'divorce' with you prior to leaving.  With his 'sorry, it's done now, let's move on', my ex was a bit like that.  He seemed to believe that all couples argue then they just 'get on'.  However, when all you do is hurt each other either deliberately or not, I think you need to take a step back and re-examine the whole situation.  It's hard to think rationally when your emotions are all over the place, you can't 'divorce' your emotions.  You're going through a bit of 'black dog' yourself with the recent deaths of your dad and g'mother, so this situation is being reinforced by what's happening with your marriage.  Until you can resolve all the conflict, no you can't just 'move on', because each time you argue, old hurts resurface.  If he refuses to resolve all the problems and just says 'get over it, move on', sorry but he's denying you your right to talk about everything that's happening.  My ex and I separated because he refused to accept that we had problems that simply kept resurfacing.  I'm not telling you to leave or ask him to leave, I'm hoping you won't come to that.  But you need to get yourselves sorted before irreparable damage is done.    

[Tryingtobethere15]

Thank you

We definitely do address our issues but then fall into similar traps. He does let me voice my concerns but also sometimes wants a clean slate 'we both said hurtful things, let's move forward' which I can understand too...

I will always want this marriage. It's only relatively early in the 'diagnosis stage' I suppose. I will offer my support but it's hard when he will shut down all the time. 

I will never even pretend to understand depression but my reading/research is helping me to be better informed. I just wish he would be more consistent with what he needs eg me or not me 😀