Please help me help my husnband

shine_bright · ‎06-06-2016

My husband is not in a good way. We have been together for 12 years and when I look back now I can see that he was never really happy but me being me just thought he was quiet and introverted and that I could bring him out of himself. Now I think that he has never actually felt happy and he has told me things recently about how he's really been feeling. The crazy thing is that over the years I have tried to understand him and communicate but he has always shut me down. I've asked him to chat to someone with me to help (but he has always refused), I have sought help myself in the past so that I had support. He will not see a doctor. He says they can't help him. He is very black and white about things. I am not one to play the blame game and I truly just want to know what I can do next. he has told me recently that he has dark thoughts but not about committing suicide. He is having terrible violent nightmares and he seems disconnected. He said he sometimes feels like an onlooker when he's with people and that he's not a part of things. I know he is feeling dreadful but I don't know what to do when he won't seek help. It also affects me because he does things like go out after work drinking and not call to tell me he'll be late and arrive home at 1am and then the next morning he is so upset with himself that I don't know how to deal with it. he said that drinking takes away the negative thoughts for a short time but then it's worse the next day. And I know this as I am there trying to help him! But I also feel let down and frustrated because my feelings don't seem to matter. Now our son is older and he is asking why dad has been going out and not telling us and it is affecting him. There is a part of me trying to teach my son empathy and compassion and the other part of me wanting him to understand that this behaviour is not an ok way to treat others. He is physically disconnected too. He has had panic attacks and recently told me that it feels like his heart is going to tear out of his chest. I seriously want to help him but don't want to be an enabler and that is how I'm feeling now. Any insight would be gratefully received and appreciated.

blondguy · ‎06-06-2016

Hello Shine Bright

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums

You have great strength to post and thankyou for doing so. You do have a lot on your plate and to be in your situation is and will be awful for you. Your husband and your son are in a dark place right now. I have had anxiety and depression for many years and do understand what you and your family are going through.

Your health is just as important right now..If you scroll down the page you will see the header 'Supporting someone' with depression or anxiety. Just click on it and have a look see...

Your husband refusing help is a pain as a person can not heal without acceptance that there is a problem in the first place. As you know the doctors can help him and deep down he knows that too. The alcohol will only enhance his depression. The bad nightmares are a sign of a very 'exhausted' or tired 'mind' You have even offered to go with him to a doc/therapist. Do you know his GP?...If you do that may be a good starting point for you..(seeing your own GP may be a great start too...for your own well being)

I was 23 when I had my first severe anxiety attack. If I may ask you, how long has your son had his panic attacks? The heart palpitations are a pain but are a common symptom (feeling) of anxiety disorder. Is your son seeing a GP? You would know but this is a crucial step to start the recovery process.The severity of anxiety attacks do diminish over time with regular counseling

I dont think you are an enabler at all. You are a wonderful and caring person that also needs all the support you can get at the moment. I really do feel for you and your son here as your husbands illness is impacting his family.

Even when my depression was severe in its early stages I sought help and was taught that having depression is no excuse for behavior that can effect others in a negative way. I hope that you are being treated okay.

There are super kind people here that can be here for you Bright. You are not alone

You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish. I really hope you let us know how you are going

My Kindest thoughts for you and your family

Paulx

shine_bright · ‎06-06-2016

Thankyou Paul. I wasn't very clear with my posting as I think I was just blabbing all my feelings out in one go. Sorry about that. My son is only 10 and he isn't suffering from anxiety attacks. He is just noticing his dad drinking to avoid his fears and pain and seeing his sad depressed and emotionally unavailable. I haven't spoken to anyone about this as my husband doesn't want me to. But I am feeling that something has to change and I feel that people who love and care about him would be more understanding if they knew why he is being distant. I really appreciate your writing Paul x

blondguy · ‎06-06-2016

Hi Bright

Thanks for writing back. I really feel for your son ....10 years old. You weren't babbling at all. You have done really well by posting as it will help your son.

You mentioned that something has to change and good on you. You have everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose:-)

As you know kids are like sponges and absorb everything including your husbands behavior. As a responsible mum I think you have every reason to speak to your GP...or your husbands GP asap. The alcohol abuse and the bad nightmares speak volumes about how important it is to seek help.

Are your husbands parents close by at all? Is it possible for you to have a quiet chat with them? I understand that your husband doesnt want you to speak to anyone about his health but this will be non productive where everyone's health is concerned.

You and your sons health are paramount here...Its nearly impossible to help someone heal when they dont even acknowledge their own illness. Is your husband a very 'proud' man?

Thankyou for your kind words too Bright:-)

Paul

pipsy · ‎06-06-2016

Hi shine bright. I'm wondering if there is something from your hubby's past that has started manifesting itself through his nightmares. When we experience nightmares, often it's from a traumatic period and we are able to 'shut it out' during the day time, but in sleep it returns because our subconscious kicks in. With the drinking, he says it stops the negative thoughts. It's possible the drink actually 'numbs' the pain, therefore the negative thoughts are halted through the drink controlling the pain. It almost sounds like a form of PTSD, which brings me to the original thought of something traumatic occurring. You mentioned he has a fear of not fitting in with a crowd, this could be another side of PTSD. Many returned servicemen suffer PTSD from the horrors they witnessed. If your hubby has had a bad experience, the sooner he gets some help, the sooner you get your hubby 'back'. I would like to suggest you visit your Dr and explain your hubby's state of mind. Dr/patient confidentiality comes into effect only when the patient is able to see and talk and understand what the Dr is advising. Your hubby falls into the category of needing help, therefore I'm sure the Dr would be prepared to talk to you and may arrange a home visit.

Lynda

shine_bright · ‎06-06-2016

Hi Pipsy, Thank you for talking the time to write to me. He says nothing happened in his past but I know exactly what you're saying and as I am in the healing profession myself I find it even more confusing to see signs but be told that it is my imagination. He has been quite manipulative in the past, telling lies to ensure things go his way etc…..But I always saw it that he was just insecure and it was fear based. With the drinking, yes it does numb the pain for those few hours. I understand that. I also understand how he's going to feel the next day with self loathing that I can't help. My husband doesn't have a GP as he isn't from Aus and he hasn't registered with anyone. A friend has suggested their GP to him and to me. I have been suggesting he make an appointment or I make it for him but he tells me this is his life and his decision. I know he is really scared. He said he's afraid he's going crazy. His family live overseas and I don't think they have the emotional empathy to help. They may actually be part of the problem but I do think he needs to connect with people.

shine_bright · ‎06-06-2016

Hi Paul, Thanks so much for caring enough to write. His parents live overseas and I don't think they would be very empathic. They are quite emotionally detached. Yes my beautiful son is such an empath and very intuitive and kind. But he is also strong and recently when he said he was going to have a word with his dad about why he didn't come home I felt my heart breaking as I only want to do the right thing by both of them and i don't want my little boy feeling responsible for anyone other than himself. I told him that it's not his job to worry about adults and it's our job to help him. I guess this is why I am writing today. And yes he is a very proud man. He is also an intelligent man who's mind is causing him pain. But he doesn't listen to me. i am in the natural healing profession myself and have even shown him how he can bring his blood pressure down through meditation. I also work with others doing energy healing etc. But my husband doesn't believe in any of this. So much self loathing and self sabotage. Whenever things are going well and I am happy and he 'seems' happy he does something to change this good feeling. Oh Paul, even just writing it all down is helpful. THANKYOU HUGELY x

pipsy · ‎06-06-2016

Hi shine bright. If your hubby is not an Australian all he would have to do is ask the receptionist about the procedure seeing the Dr. You say he won't see one, that it is his problem. His problem is affecting both of you and perhaps you should point this out. He's obviously doing his best to maintain cover for himself by evading seeing a Dr. By telling you, you're imagining things, he's hoping to not have to face whatever his emotional problem is. Have you thought about phoning one of our counsellors here to ask for guidance. Dr's do have a home visits program but your hubby would have to accept the Dr into the house. I would try telling your hubby that what affects him, affects you and you don't want him to shut you out. I think you're right about his insecurity/fear being part of the problem. He sounds very lonely in himself and the fear is shutting you out too. Try phoning our helpline and talk to one of our counsellors. They may be able to suggest something I haven't thought of. I wish I could offer more, but, truthfully, I am at a loss.

Lynda.

shine_bright · ‎06-06-2016

Lynda, I thank you so much for your kindness in listening and offering your advice. Wish I could give you a big hug. He is very lonely and he does know it affects me too. You have offered more than you know just by responding Lynda. THANKYOU!!!! And have a wonderful day. x

blondguy · ‎07-06-2016

Hi Shine, I just popped in to see how you are going. You do have a tough one here with a husband that refuses to get any help. All you can really do is keep caring for your son and yourself..

Here for you Shine

Kind Thoughts

Paul