Dear Catsy~
I'd like to join Tony WK in welcoming you here. Tony has some pretty good advice. I've been the one in your wife's position which is the other side of the coin from you.
Before going further I'd like to ask if your wife is undergoing treatment for her depression? I found it essential.
I was fortunate, well more than fortunate, in having a partner who was strong and able enough to deal with me - and family - and household - and work.
So what did she do? Firstly I guess make me aware she cared and loved me. Partly by simply telling me and partly by conduct. She had boundaries and if I was loud and unreasonable she would walk away -and come back later. It was the coming back later that showed the love. If I was simply unable to make a phone call - or some other everyday task - she would do it and not think me lazy or some other unflattering everyday judgment.
I'd vent to her, she tried to steer those occasions so they happened during a walk or something like that, so there was distraction - and a natural conclusion. Otherwise I could go round in mental circles.
I guess you can see two things start to merger that help answer your questions. You are human with dignity, rights and boundaries - and limits of endurance. These should be enforced in a non confrontational way.
You try as you can to manage the situation, maybe by just being quiet, maybe by suggestion simple joint activity.
I found offering 'solutions' made me very cranky, as they tended to show lack of understanding of what was in my mind or were unrealistic. You wife might be the same.
Actually I suspect understanding of that nature is not always necessary. My partner could probably predict what I was going to say, or do or react, and could cater for that simply on a pragmatic basis.
I'd suggest you not argue, if accused of being the problem don't justify - even if you are right, walk away.
All this might seem doable, if hard. The bit that is questionable is your limits. By adopting such measures you are not - at least for now - in an equal partnership. You do not have the strength of a partner to lean on to help you though life.
I guess only you can find out how strong you are - or want to be.
Do you have parents, family or friends to support you? People with enough understanding and care to discuss your decisions and problems in a sensitive and sensible manner?
Croix
