Partner with severe anxiety

Summerlove · ‎21-07-2017

Hi all,

My fiancé and I have been together for 5.5 years and are getting within 10 months. During this time, we have had ups and downs but recently it just got worse. We have a lot of fights, even on holiday. Uncertainties about the future with no secure jobs for both of us stresses a hell of a lot out of me

My fiancé has anxiety but not all the time. Every now and then it will attack him and make him very stressed about minor things which I understand and have been trying very hard to be there for him. So we just came back for 3 weeks holiday overseas. I thought it would help freshen our relationship but my fiancé had an anxiety attack at the end of the trip. He couldn't sleep and would wake up in tears. I felt for him so much but I didn't know what to do apart from crying with him and be there for him which he told me that was all he needed. It's been over 2 weeks now, we've been to the doctor and he will be seeing a psychiatrist next week as he seems to have post-traumatic stress from the last time when he had an asthma attack which nearly killed him and I was there. I love him so much but as the episode starts to get longer, I don't know how strong I can be there for him. I keep doubting myself that one day, when it gets too much I could leave him. He said I have done a great job and couldn't ask for more but the thought that I have to deal with this for the rest of my life scares me. Am I selfish? Does that mean I don't love him enough?

Croix · ‎22-07-2017

Dear Summerlove~
I’m pleased you posted here on the Forum, you are having a very difficult time and like many caring loving people are wrestling with a problem that’s all too familiar.

Actually you have two problems, your own health and that of your fiancé, and trying to balance the two. Let’s look at your fiancé first. He has asthma and anxiety/PTSD. These are horrible things to have and can indeed have ups and downs making his life very miserable.

Going away on holiday can be surprisingly stressful and the prospect of a wedding and no secure jobs can make the future very worrying – not good for either of you, and arguments definitely don’t help.

You are both very sensible to seek medical treatment. As someone with PTSD/anxiety/depression there was no way I was going to get better without professional help. With time, therapy, perhaps medication and support I’m sure he will be on the pathway to a better life.

You can read up on PTSD in The Facts menu above.

It is wonderful you are there to support him, and he is very lucky to have someone like you to understand and be on his side.

You however are undertaking a pretty large task, one that - if your fiancé is anything like me – will not be over anytime soon. My wife had to carry me for a fair while –which she did – until things got better.
shr did have her mum there for her.

With that sized weight on your shoulders you have to see to your own needs. It is not being selfish, just realistic. May I ask who you have to support you?

Anyone you can talk to frankly who will care for you, understand and want to help you? This is most important. Trying to do everything by yourself is most likely going to make life quite hard.

Apart from that trying to live as healthy a lifestyle as possible, with exercise, good sleep and time out to recuperate and do the things you enjoy is essential.

You have not said if you have any illnesses yourself, I’d be very happy if you came back and spoke more

Croix

Blue_Jane · ‎24-07-2017

Hi Summerlove

Welcome to our forums. Thanks for taking the time to share what is going on with you.

It sounds like you are being a great partner, very supportive and understanding. Which your fiancé recognises. It is a big load being with someone who has an illness of any type. We have some helpful information above in: The facts/Supporting someone.

Of course you are not being selfish - you are here on these forums looking for support. A great thing to do which will hopefully help both you and your partner. It is very naturally to be questioning the long term, you are just being practical. I don't think that love is enough - it takes many things to make a successful partnership.

However being with someone who has a mental illness is tough - my ex and my husband both have depression. The difference is that my husband manages his illness quite well and he has gotten better over time. Saying, that he still has bad periods. I too suffer from anxiety and it can be hard for my husband when I am going through a bad patch. But over time through lots of trial and error we are good at managing our own illnesses and being the other person.

It is really positive that your fiancé is seeing a psychiatrist next week. A specialist will have some great ways of approaching what your fiancé is going through. There are other lifestyle things that your fiancé can try like exercise, diet and getting fresh air and sunshine. That sounds very basic but it all helps!

You may have heard all of the above before but remember you are not alone.

Your fiancé's first appointment with the psychiatrist is not going to be the silver bullet but it is a great start.

Please let us know how you are going.

Blue Jane

Summerlove · ‎03-08-2017

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply and support. We are living with his parents and very lucky to have their support. His mum is very caring and she noticed I have been very depressed lately. I opened to her and share some thoughts but there are things that I hesitate to discuss with her in terms of the idea that I might leave her son if things get too much. My parents are living overseas and it's really hard for me to tell them about his condition due to our background. I don't have a friend who I can share and comprehend what I'm going through. I did kind of share it with my younger sister who is also my best friend but she doesn't seem to know that it is drowning me. I started to self diagnose myself with a whole bunch of conditions including depression and seasonal affective disorder. I compare myself with the success of others and struggle to make friends. My life cycle involves uni, work very hard to pay for uni (because I don't get support from the government), my fiancé and my family. I just can't be bothered with having a relationship outside of that cycle, telling myself that I'm too busy for such thing. Maybe I'm very introvert or anti-social? I don't know. I have trouble opening up to someone I don't know

Summerlove · ‎03-08-2017

Hi Blue Jane,

Thank you for your kind words and support. He's been to the psychiatrist and going to the group therapy once every 2 weeks. He's also on antidepressants and sleeping tablets which are not working very well for him. He couldn't sleep very well and had a panic attack at work. I had to come in and calm him down before he could drive home. He works at night clubs and it can get very stressful because he has to deal with fights and violence every weekend. He can't get sunlight because he sleeps during the day and winter doesn't help. He did an MRI scan today because he's still very anxious about having MS.

He is also very concerned about our relationship. He said if it's getting too much for me, he wouldn't come to me for support anymore because I might leave him. Thinking about that is very painful, I told him we will go through this together but I don't know how long I can hold on to it for. I don't have the confidence. I made false promises that I will be there till the end but I'm very insecure about our relationship. We have gone so far and I don't want it to break.

Blue_Jane · ‎03-08-2017

Hi Summerlove

Sounds like things are still really tough. Your partner is doing all of the right things but maybe the medication isn't the right one? Maybe it is something your partner can mention to the GP?

What does he say about group therapy? Is he opening up there or saving that for when he is with you? You mention his mum above, does he ever open up to her?

The lack of sunlight is a tricky one. When I was in the midst of my sleep issues I was advised to get some morning sunlight as the light is different then and it helps to reset our normal melatonin levels. Plus vitamin D is so important to our overall health. Can your partner spend 15 mins outside on his way home from work in the mornings? That each day would make a difference.

It is very normal to be feeling insecure about the relationship. Keep doing what you are doing, he needs to get better before you can both have a clear mind about where the relationship is at.

I really hope that your partner starts to improve soon. And that you can get some respite and focus on uni.

Blue Jane