Partner with depression and I don't know what to do

[Violet_Smiles]

My husband was diagnosed with depression roughly 18 months ago. He takes medication and saw a psychologist for a while in the beginning, but he didn't find it helpful.

He self medicates as well with ********* and alcohol. The carers handbook says try to discourage him from doing that. But how? sometimes I think that's the only thing keeping him together.

I hate it when he drinks, he turns into a belligerent loud mouth ****. I prefer it when he smokes, at least that way he's calmer.

He's angry most of the time unless he's self medicating, he's not physically dangerous, but I don't feel emotionally safe around him any more.

This last month he's been a lot worse. His family don't know about his depression and he refuses to tell them. He says it's none of their business and I can't help but agree. Only my mother knows out of my family because I broke down in front of her.

He doesn't consider the friends we made together as friends anymore, he says he has none. This makes socialising very difficult as he just doesn't want to. I tend to take the kids out to gatherings without him. It's easier for me and him.

We eat fairly healthily and he exercises because he knows this helps.

I can't talk to him about it, he constantly asks me what I'm thinking and I won't say because I'm terrified of confrontation. (my parents constantly fought until they got divorced so I'd rather say nothing than start an argument.)

Plus I don't want to make him feel worse, I'm starting to realise this is not healthy for us but I just can't bring myself to discuss it. I'm so afraid of making it worse as he suffers so much already.

Do those suffering with depression or who have partners with depression have any ideas about how I can make it better for him? I hate seeing him suffer so much, I understand that these things take time but I'm starting to lose hope that we'll ever get past this.

Should I becoming to terms with the idea that we will always be managing this, is depression a life sentence?

Thanks for reading

Kathryn

[Chris_B]

Hi Kathryn,

Thanks for joining the forums.  It sounds like you're doing your best to be supportive of your husband, but it's concerning to read that you don't feel emotionally safe at the moment.  Can you organise some professional support for yourself?  

Caring for a partner with anxiety or depression can be very difficult, and your health is just as important as your husband's.  You will be able to get a psychologist referral through your GP just as your husband did, and this would be something worth exploring.

You mention the carer's guide, are you referring to the beyondblue one? It has just recently been updated.  A link to it is here: http://bit.ly/It1z5f 

On page 9 there are some tips for starting conversations around mental health in a non-confrontational way. Getting your husband back to the GP and seeing another psychologist (sometimes you have to try a few before you get the right one, as the relationship and dynamic is very personal) would be a good idea once you get some support happening for yourself.

The alcohol and cannabis are depressants and will be lessening the effectiveness of any antidepressant meds he is taking. 

Please remember that despite the depression, behaviour and actions from your husband that make you feel unsafe are not acceptable and you need to put yourself and the kids first if these situations crop up.

18 months can seem like a lifetime with depression, but you can both get through this.  Try and keep focused on getting to the next stage of help-seeking and support rather than worrying too much about the future just yet.

Hope this helps - what advice do others have to offer?

best
CB ___________________________________
Online Community Manager