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Partner pushing away due to depression - need advice

fimasi
Community Member
‎03-12-2015 08:49 PM

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years now. Over the past several months I noticed that he wasn't himself and not as happy/full of life. I tried to ask him about it but he brushed off the questions and blamed it on bad work/sleep paterns. This escalated and he finally admitted that he had depression as I suspected but that he didn't want to talk about it yet and would let me know when he was ready to talk. I suggested he see someone but he thought he could sort it out himself. Just under a month after this he told me he wanted to break up so that he could just sort this out himself.

He won't seek professional help and thinks he can figure it out himself. He is pushing away his family and friends too and isolating himself a lot or overworking to use up his time. I understand that he needs to concentrate on himself and work things out but I worry about him completely isolating himself and pushing everyone away. I don't want to abandon him when he is going through such a hard time as it feels like a part of him is just doing this to spare me.His ex-gf had depression and was suicidal and he had a hard time with that and so I feel he is letting his bad experience as being the partner sway his judgement a little.  

But at the same time I don't want to make it worse and push him. I understand that I should give him his space at the moment but should I just give up and walk away (as he has told me I should try to move on) or hang in there on the side lines to see if he needs anything? 

Would appreciate any advice or knowledge as I've never gone through this before and feel a bit lost. 

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geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
‎04-12-2015 05:21 AM

dear Fimasi, to walk away from a 4 year relationship might not be an east fate, because there would so much that you both have enjoyed and of course those little tiffs, but when someone becomes depressed then the relationship changes and unfortunately affects how you both feel.

Your partner is no different than what happens when you become depressed, as he doesn't want to get you involved by telling you how he feels, because he may think that you won't support him, or understand why he is depressed, so he shuts you out and wants to leave, but the point is that he will not be able to sort out his own problems by himself, he may think that he has, but what only happens is that he looks at his superficial concerns/problems, which he feels as though he can push them aside and then can get on with his life, maybe, but it's those deep down problem he won't be able to face or that he doesn't even know what they are, that won't go away, and that's why he needs help.

He maybe suffering from PTSD but I'm not qualified to diagnose.

The question still remains whether you want to stay, so the decision is whether you want to stay in touch with him and help him overcome his denial or feel as though you don't want to have cope with any of this and start afresh.

This can be a very difficult decision to make, however other people just leave, but would love to hear back from you. Geoff. x

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Carmela
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
‎04-12-2015 11:26 AM

Hi Fimasi,

Both Geoff and Chris have given you some very useful advice.  I hope you do take the time to review the links Chris has provided. 

My experiences with my partner have been similar to yours. The journey supporting a depressed partner is not easy. It tests us on many levels, but it's important to see the lessons as there are many. Leaving may seem at first the best option or even an easy one, but it is not. If you still love your partner, fight for what you had as it is still there, but clouded currently by his own darkness. 

I was given some great advice a few years ago that I hope will be useful for you.  

  • Don’t force him into talking about his ‘problems’. Just remind him that you are there when he is ready. The more we push, the more they pull away.
  • Remind him that you love him every day and give him hugs. 
  • Do a lot of research about depression as the more you know of what he is going through, the more  you will understand.
  • Be patient with him. His struggle is real, we just can't see it like an open wound.
  • Most importantly, don't forget about YOU. You need support as well, so turn to family and friends and when it gets real tough, seek professional help. 

There are a number of not-for-profits who provide assistance to carers like yourself.  

Carers Australia is a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to improving the lives of carers through important services like carer counselling, advice, advocacy, education and training ~ www.carersaustralia.com.au 

Mental Health Carers ARAFMI Australia (MHCAA) is another that provide specialist mental health support to families, carers and their friends. Support includes linking people to other carers who can offer face-to-face peer support, education services with other carers, and advocacy services which help carers to identify and find solutions to their challenges ~ http://www.arafmiaustralia.asn.au/carer-services.html

Beyondblue have a carers booklet that you can access here: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends/caring-for-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

Also another on looking after yourself: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends/looking-after-yourself

I wish you all the best and hope that my words have provided  you with some guidance. xx

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