Partner of 20 years has depression

peter1977 · ‎19-07-2015

hello ,

first of all my spelling is never great so please bear with me . I have spent the last 20 years of my life with the same woman we met at age 17. she has had depression for maybe 17 of our 20 years . We have 3 kids and we were doing ok till a few months ago when i found out she cheated on me with another guy . Even after all this i still love her I was so hurt and i guess i still am in many ways . i then spent the next few months talking to her and trying to find out why she did what she did . Over those few months she was seeing others in hotels and so on as well.I was so mad at her for this because i had spent the last 20 years of our lives devoted to her .I do not claim i was the ideal partner for all those years and never would . But 5 months have past since it all and we are now back together . she wants to marry me after all these years and says she knows i am the one she loves ....I still love this woman with all my heart and maybe always will i said yes i would marry her and our date is the 11th of this year . What i am still having trouble with is how she lied to me and how fast she ran to another mans arms when things got tough . I know she loves me in her own way but how do i know its real love and not just the fact she needs me to lift her up when times are hard. Or is it that she feels comfy with me after all the years and noticed i was not there for her in times of need . I am so confused i have written tons of emails to her telling her my own feelings with very little in return from her . she gives me the odd i love you and sends me short texts saying sweet things . But what i am looking for is something to show me she really does love me . Has anyone else gone through something like this ?.

Jacko777 · ‎19-07-2015

Hi peter1977,

I am glad you are talking about this, and don't worry about your spelling, I'm pretty bad at it two.

Personally, I would find it hard to forgive her and I would find it hard to trust her in the future, this could just be me! Of course you would be looking for something to show you she loves you, and some promise that you are the only one in the future.

You can work on your feelings either way, are you both prepared to go to a relationship counsellor to work on this for the future? Through a counsellor you can gauge her commitment and you can get some support with trust and forgiveness.

Jack

geoff · ‎20-07-2015

dear Peter, I'd like to welcome to the forum.

I have to agree with Jacko, and I'm very sorry but I could never trust her again, because as I see it, not only was it one guy but there were many others as well, and this amount we don't know of, but if she said it was 2 or 3 then it could have been double that, sorry.

I know that you really love her, but is it being reciprocated by her, and the occasional 'I love you' does not warrant true love.

I fear that you would be wondering where she is or what she is doing, and query any new necklace or bracelet, and what ever she is spending her money on, that normally she couldn't afford.

I'm really sorry mate to be so blunt, and please if you want, you have a go back at me. Geoff.

MissPoppy · ‎20-07-2015

My heart goes out to you - after all the support you've given and then she does that:(

(fyi, my husband is depressed & we've been together for 20 years)

Consider that it is difficult for them to 'feel' anything at all. Asking them to show affection is like asking someone with no legs to get up and walk - they can barely even smile most of the time. And their perspective is all over the place.

I can only imagine that going for another man might be an attempt by her to actually feel something - anything at all. I'm not saying it's okay and you certainly don't want to be a door-matt.

Perhaps you can tell her you're going to draw a line in the sand and start again. Invite her to start again with you?

I'm betting that you mean much more to your wife than she can actually show you in her current state, when feeling anything is so hard. I would hold on to the loving texts and take that as a sign of her ongoing feelings for you.

Perhaps, for you own sanity, make some basic rules. Like, you're prepared to forgive if ... a) she doesn't go outside the marriage for affection again. b) she lets you help her work out a different way to deal with what she goes through. c) You get to go to her doctor with her - at least sometimes.

I hope that helps you Peter:)

peter1977 · ‎21-07-2015

First of all thank you all for your reply's . I should also add i have talked to her a bit about what has happened . she told me some details but still finds it hard to talk about it .I do get the feeling she is shamed of herself and this is why she cant talk about it but i maybe wrong.MissPoppy thanks you for giving a female perspective on this also and i have asked to see her doctor with her and she has agreed to do that . As i have said its not the sex i cant forgive right now its the lies she told at the time to do it .when she seen the other guys we were separated in her mind but in my mind we were not yet finished .its no excuse for her that she cheated on me in the first place i know .I also know its hard on her just to get out of bed in the morning so i do my best for her because im still in love with her .she told me at the time she was no longer in love with me and that broke my heart after so much effort i put into this . but since she has told me she is in love with me and wont cheat again and wants to make a life together .Is the true that once a cheater always a cheater?. I dont know if this is true or not or it makes it easier to cheat again if it gets tough but i have asked her all these things and she just tells me no it wont happen again . she has given me access to all her email accounts and i guess trying to show me she can be trusted going forward .she cry's so often that sometimes i dont know what for and she just wants to hold me .It feels like i also feel her pain but i also have pain of my own im trying to sort out as well and it seems im all alone doing that . I know its hard for her to show me love right now because she is working on herself and just trying to live each day as it comes. But its dam hard for me also giving giving giving and getting nothing or very little in return for my efforts .

peter1977 · ‎21-07-2015

hey jack thanks for the reply m8,

she has told me i am the only one for her in her future we have cried many a time and she has tried so hard to tell me i am her man . she even bought me a necklace like the very same one she got us when we first started out .I suggested the counselor thing to her and she is not that happy about it . she was seeing her own for a while after it all happened and she just seemed to get worse . Her counciler just told her one new thing that was wrong with her each visit so i do understand her hesitation there. We do still talk very well though most of the time so im trying my very best to get feelings out of her . and there coming but its slow going .

peter1977 · ‎21-07-2015

hey geoff,

It is ok m8 i dont want to have a go at you . i understand your thoughts about not being able to forgive her. Its prob advice i would give someone in the same spot as i am . i know the odd i love you here and there is not enough and does not mean true love . but our past and knowing her as well as i do i can see some hope there .I also see shame in her eyes as well this is not a woman that would just go give herself to random men . I do know this woman very very well maybe better than she knows herself . i see pain in her eyes and i know she regrets her actions . At the time she did this she was breaking through all her medications and i also know that's no excuse for her actions .But i also know it could of been a factor to her thinking and metal state at the time .

geoff · ‎21-07-2015

dear Peter, thanks for getting back to us and I can say phew. lol

I know that you love her to bits and dearly love her for yourself and for your kids, and she says she loves you spasmodically, but you can draw out her love from her that she and you know is within her, and perhaps it will only come slowly, but slower is better than nothing.

Please keep in contact OK. Geoff.

Jacko777 · ‎21-07-2015

Hi Peter,

Thanks for your replies. Sounds to me like you have the strength to forgive and to try again. As you say, she was in and out of love, she was confused and now she has a clearer picture of what she wants...you. I'm not sure about the 'once a cheater' thing, I guess the question will be, can you move forward having trust in her and be able to forgive her for the past? As Miss Poppy says, invite her to 'start again', with clear boundaries and expectations, visit her doctor together and discuss your plans. Relationships are rarely smooth sailing hey Peter, you guys could grow from this and develop a real strong partnership.

Jack

peter1977 · ‎22-07-2015

hey Jacko ,

well i really hope we can move forward and make this something that has tought us a lesson in life . I myself am ready to forgive her and move on my only thoughts are is she ready to do the same . I have talked and talked with her and sent so many emails its now looking like i have written a book of emails.But something i thought about was this woman means the world to me so if im to give this a real go i need to allow myself to fully trust her in everything if not then i need to walk away . 20+ years is alot to walk away from for me its been almost my whole life . so i think i owe it to myself and her to try see if this can work for us both .