Partner left 33 year relationship for girl half his age

[India]

My partner (who is 62) of 33 years told me in February this year that he had a crush on a 30 year old girl he worked with who felt the same way for him and in his words “I’ve got to go for it”  he moved out 4 days later and has just gone straight into a new life with this 30 year old and her daughter. it was completely out of the blue. All our family and friends were as shocked as I was

We have 3 daughters the eldest who is 30 years old

I am getting better after some counselling but now just feel like who am I? 
I am 10 years younger than him so I was 18 when we got together and fell pregnant at 21. 

My youngest daughter is the only one currently living in the same state as me and her and her lovely partner have just moved in with me to the family home 

All 3 of my daughters have been supportive (especially the youngest one living here) 

We argued a lot when the girls were young as we never agreed on parenting style. I had to work the most when the girls were younger as money was also an issue. 
He was always worried that I would meet someone and leave him as I liked to get out the house more and socialise with friends, but I told him I couldn’t even think about doing that as I was so tied to him. I don’t know how to flirt or when someone is flirting with me. 

I thought at first I’ll be fine if I don’t have another partner, I was always fine with my own company as well as enjoying friends company before I met him. Now whenever I’m alone my thoughts start racing back to how could he do this and going over why and the issues with our relationship. Although I know I’m better if I don’t have contact with him every 3/4 weeks I can’t help but text him asking questions about how, why he did this

Now my confidence (which was low anyway) feels so low. I’m questioning my mothering and myself. I keep going over in my head that I was 18 the last time I was on my own and he’s just thrown 33 years of our house, dogs and my family away. 
I feel so lost in myself. I’m so much better when I’m with other people but as soon as I’m alone my thoughts are back on what’s happened and I often end up crying. 
I don’t know how to love myself

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Well loving yourself is a journey that is worth the travel. I'm sorry this has happened and I've seen this scenario in one of my ex in-laws. He was 42yo married to my wife's mother for 20 years and took off with a 19yo woman. A few years passed and she begged to get married, they finally did, then she begged for a child and they did, then after 12 years together she left him for a younger man because "he's just too old". Selfish perhaps? Also this "younger woman" had seriously low confidence and when I chatted to her she told me that she didnt think she'd ever get a partner, it was all about her needs regardless of the damage done.. But analysing can be healthy because in your position you should have been consulted way before this flirting began, that he should have discussed it with you any concerns of the marriage to give you opportunity to fix it. That denying you of that is likely why recovery is so hard for you. Dont fear, you've dont nothing wrong and although as mentioned it can be healthy analysing how he is wrong, and concluding he is foolish etc, it all helps but there is a limit because you will meet up in a hospital or birthday party and so on, better to take the high ground and be civil at the same time protecting yourself emotionally. Not easy but easier than a tense atmosphere for others as well.

The longer I'm on this earth the more and more I feel humans never surprise me. That age gap with the other lady might see her change her mind over time but that isnt your problem and you aren't in this world to be a sponge with your husband, to soak up any mistakes that were made when love and decades of devotion should have meant something. But life can throw up all sorts of surprises. What can you do? 

Separation, regardless of the circumstances is a grief process that cant be rushed, its only been 7 months and although everyone is different with the process in terms of time to get over it, that isnt very long. So time is needed to heal. Filling your life with activities is the best form of distraction so sports, gym, hobbies, camping, jigsaws, dating and so forth is fun and an inactive mind gathers moss so busy busy busy...

I'm not sure about your daughter and her partner living with you, obviously you dont mind. Just be aware it often doesnt work out. The accommodation crisis doesnt help.

Dwelling on the past and his actions and texting him is only going to hinder your progress IMO. This is your immediate issue I think, so I've got a couple of threads, you only need to read the first post of each. I think they will help and only take a couple of minutes. By all means reply if you feel comfortable in continuing the conversation.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/who-cries-over-spilt-milk/td-p/43088

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/are-you-good-enough-low-self-esteem/td-p/560372

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear India~

I'd like to join Tony White Knight in welcoming you here ot the forum and agree wiht his ideas, good advice.

I'd have to say thank goodness he left now when you are only in your early 50's. That is not too old to for a relationship with another, I did so at about that age and it has worked  wonderfully for many years.

Before, after losing my first partner, who passed away, I was lost and like you had little sense of my own identity. As Tony says grief and loss to take time to become manageable, however they do.

I realize there is an extra layer from being left, doubt about your attractiveness, doubt about how you have behaved and what you ave accomplished in your life and loneliness.

I can see one answer straight away, you have raised beautiful children. Another thing I can see it is no use trying ot judge your ex's state of mind, from what you say he was needy and selfish and was prepared to sacrifice you for his own gratification. 

As Tony says wiht that age difference it would be surprising if they made a life-time go of it. Maybe you should feel sorry for the young woman, she may find he changes his mind even if she doesn't.

I would most certainly agree that prolonging matters by being in contact wiht him can do no good, although difficult go your own way. He's never going to give you an acceptable answer no matter how often you ask him about what he did.

It is very understandable for you to need people around you now, it gives comfort, occupation and a measure of identity, and having others to lean on is a blessing.

I would suggest some counseling to help you put things in perspective and gain confidence in yourself. I'd recommend Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) if they have an office near you - or know of one

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[India]

thank you for replying, everything you’ve said makes sense. I definitely need to stop texting him it never helps. 
I think I need to go back to therapy to work on my self esteem/low confidence 

[India]

thanks Croix I am going to ring relationships Australia and get some counseling 

It’s grieving the loss of who I thought was my best friend and never having that same connection again that I struggle with. I had to defend his selfishness to others and in my head so much that I’ve been remembering our relationship with rose coloured glasses instead of remembering all the things he did that I hated. I have been writing them down in a book to read back when I feel the need, but at the moment my worse time for crying is when I’m driving alone. It doesn’t help that I have to drive past the suburb where he lives with her and her daughter and I spend the drive looking at every white Subaru like his kind of scared I’ll see him/them but half wanting to see just him

[Croix]

Dear India~

I'm please you are going to try counceling, it will probably help, though the effect may not be immediate.

I'm not so sure you will never find another with mutual trust, love and friendship. As I mentioned before I did at around your age and that has lasted around 25 years so far - I admit I'm blessed.

There would have been all sorts of reasons for defending his behaviour in the past, unfortunately that can become so much of a habit you start to believe your own words yourself - so I think writing it all down is a good idea. You might consider a section where you write down the things you have done without him that you have enjoyed or taken pride in - I think you may be surprised how many there are.

I have found anger to be a source of strenght, allowing me to apportion blame as is deserved  and continue on with life as well.

I'm a little worried about you crying and driving, maybe that is why I mentioned anger. It may seem unrealistic but is safer for you to stop and cry, eihter before or after coming close. Then your resentment at this can come to the fore. He has severely damaged your life and trust in others, and even affected the safety of your driving - he deserves to be avoided in disgust, not with ambivalence.

Croix

[India]

I’m having a sad time just now that often happens because I get so melancholic for the early years of our relationship before children (party years) and when the kids were young. The melancholy is like a pain it’s so intense at times. I just want to go back and live some parts again or change things I did/said. 

[white knight]

Hi, India,

It is quite normal to regurgitate the past, most of your life was with him. Just remind yourself of the lack of productivity that that will bring. 

A good practice I do is to remind myself of the worst case scenario- like realising I'm 68yo is better than a friend of mine that is 81yo and suffering age related illnesses. So at your age you do in reality have many years in which to seek company even just friendships that will open doors for you in terms of sharing your grief and moving on.

I admit however that at 40yo I was in deep despair reminding myself of the years I lived with my kids then no longer living with them, I'd look back at tucking them in at night and reading a story. So yes, sadness comes but sadness also goes.

TonyWK