partner feeling lost and confused

[Ashlin99]

My beautiful husband and I have been together for 15 yrs. Seemed great till I begged him to have a child,soon after he was diagnosed with depression. He took meds but would refuse therapy at all costs.He had some very rough times and would be rough on me in ways that were not to fair - it was the worst yr of my life I went through some very low points there were things that happened that affected my trust and safety but for some reason I still didn't leave him.I admit that I was a bit changed from the experiences but I didn't realise how much,I do tend to be on the negative side of things a lot and so nowadays I feel very negative about life and I know it affects my husband,he told me and I just know.my husband is the most beautiful fair caring loving wise man I have ever met but he hasn't been this man for a few yrs I know he must be suffering terribly but I feel so bad about everything,I feel so bad that he has this terrible disease I wanted so bad for it too leave him so he could be him again,I would give anything.

Now I'm worried that my own issues are making his life evenharder.I'm sick of feeling so crap all the time,my dreams are over and my hopes seem non existent .

Depression is so unfair , it took my amazing husband away from me and I can't attack anyone or make it better .I know therapy would help me be a better support but I have no support my family lives away and not to mention my husband would be threatened by me going to therapy and I've made enough mistakes I just want to have some life that is non stressful not on eggshells and laughing and relaxing.

My husband has made some deep analysis of his life and what's involved in his depression, if he's on the road to sorting and I'm making it worse should I even be with him?

[Kathryne]

Hi,

The first step you have already taken by reaching out on the forum.

Did you have children?

maybe by reaching out and obtain help for yourself you will be able to assist your husband. Depression is a cruel disease and only recently has it made it's way into public arena with leading spots players admitting to having depression.

The fact that you did not leave says to me that there are strong feelings between you, maybe you could work on rekindling what brought you together originally.

Have you thought about councillor together to explore ways to heal and improve your relationship.

Have you had a full medical review to check that there is no medical reason, that can be fixed, for how your feeling,

You say family are distance away, do you have friends that you could trust and discuss issues with, if not a phone call to beyond blue on 1300224636 24/7 may help you find direction and guidance.

Regards Kathryne

[HappyGilroy]

Hi Ashlin,

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, my partner is suffering from depression & anxiety brought on through PTSD and I've only just started my journey of understanding it all myself. It is a hard and sometimes confusing task however I have found that arming yourself with information is the best way to start.

Below is a link to a beyond blue article that I've found very helpful for understanding what my partner has been going through and how I can change my way of thinking to not only help her but to also look after myself.

http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0445

An important thing you need to remember is that all your confusion, frustration, negative thoughts, doubts, etc are all normal for a person to feel while caring for someone suffering from mental health.

Remember that you're there to help your partner, not to rescue him. You can only do so much before you start "burning the candle from both ends", you need to make sure you take some time to look after yourself. I've found seeking treatment for my partner can feel near impossible at times, it really is a case of knowing the best time to discuss treatment with your partner even if it starts off with something as simple as booking an appointment to take up a mental health plan. Even a small gesture is a victory that can have a roll on effect and gain a result.

You may also benefit from some one on one time with a counsellor yourself. Sometimes it feels good to know from someone on the outside looking in who can make sense of it all. I've been to a couple of sessions myself and it feels good to have that release.

If you're unsure about reaching out, beyond blue have an online chat where you can live message a counsellor. I've used it myself and it is a great way to get some advice without even leaving home, it's also non confrontational and in my opinion extremely helpful.

The hardest part is understanding the condition itself, I don't believe your partner is behaving this way to hurt you, he's just fighting a war against himself and unfortunately it's always those closest that carry the weight. Always remember you have the support. Not only from this website but also from family, friends, and people around work.