Hi, welcome
A interesting topic so I hope I can assist you.
I'm 69yo, bipolar, dysthymia, told I'm likely to be under the autism spectrum high functioning. My father passed away at 64yo in 1992, my mother passed away 8 weeks ago at 93yo but I was estranged from her for the last 14 years. I always said that even after my mothers death she will haunt me like a little boy not doing as he is told.
My whole life involving my mother was up and down, stability was never there. One day 20 years ago when telling a friend of the turmoil my mother caused advised me to rear a book called "walking on egg shells" by Dr Christine Lawson. Well due to my conditions I've only read 2-3 books in my life so I googled it and read extracts. The Dr found that with Borderline Personality Disorder the sufferer could have 1,2,3 or all 4 personality disorders. (Google - queen witch hermit Waif). After a long time studying my mothers traits I concluded she had all 4 of them. I had to rely on my own research as she was in denial.
So, briefly, if I defied her orders she would become the witch and hunt me down to the end of the earth which could involve ringing my employer!!, she could be the matriarch (queen) and considered she "owned" me which meant she controlled my thinking, the hermit is her fears and that played on my empathetic character and the Waif, an interesting one... crocodile tears to get other loved ones to become my enemy.
So all that resulted in behaviour that was unacceptable to us 3 kids but more than acceptable to others like my loving father and other relatives. My mother ruined my 1st wedding and 25 years later a few weeks away from my 2nd wedding she tried ruining that as well. She controlled my father, so sad.
It's really good to read that you've "put boundaries down". With us kids it was either "in or out". So good luck with that but its at least a start whereby you know now that idolising her doesnt work. She might however show frustration because those boundaries are limits and if she is a "queen" she wont accept them. You might lose relatives if she tries to include your changes and demonises you. I lost about half my family.
To illustrate their "power" when my mother died she ordered relatives not to tell me she'd passed. I found out anyway. But even my closest cousin kept it a secret- oh the power she had over people!.
Your brother- we get this a lot whereby a sibling needs help or a spouse. If they dont seek their own help like therapy and/or medication then there is little you can do so better to drop a hint now and then and step back to save your relationship. Ongoing hinting is better than a kneejerk rejection that could end up permanent.
Us community champions are here regularly, just reply and wait until we log on again to see a notification. Sometimes members issues are ongoing and need more chatting, I'm willing to do that and try to help you more if you have questions. We are not professional medical staff so we reply with lived experiences for our best form of guidance.
Thankyou for your post, it will also help others.
TonyWK
