Overwhelmed! Supporting 21-year-old depressed boyfriend, his mother lashes out at him for being depressed & I have no support of my own

[Sophie2]

Hi, I have been with my depressed boyfriend for almost 3 years and I'm really struggling to cope now. We are both 21, do not live together and both live at home with our families. I work and study and he has only been working for a year and is due to start his dream uni course in March after 2 failed attempts at other degrees.

He has just come out of a two-week stint in rehab and was a changed man and I was so proud of him. After 5 days of him being back at home we were due to head down the Coast for two nights joining his family on their holiday. He was going to drive us there which was a big deal because he has severe anxiety about driving due to a crash. When I found him at home, I saw his depression had hit and it was most likely triggered by him about to be in close proximity to his mother who he does not have a good relationship with. She frequently puts him down saying he's useless, he's been out of school for nearly 5 years with nothing to show for it etc and she says this to him, in front of his siblings and even calls me to tell me things like this. I know she's disappointed in him because his depression has caused him to let us down a fair bit but I don't think this is fair on him and it puts me in an extremely awkward position listening to her lash out at him.

He is currently on anti-depressants and a drug for alcohol cravings and sees his psychiatrist once a fortnight if he is up to it (if his depression hits, he misses the appointment). He completed the drive despite being depressed and I was so proud of him, but the day after we arrived, his mother started on him saying that she didn't believe he would do this degree, it's a waste of money, he's got no hope etc and this was awful to experience. He immediately retreated and would not join family activities and it was a huge effort for me to take him to the beach just the two of us.

We got home from the coast and I told him I would leave him be because he wants space when he's depressed for about 4-5 days. The next morning his mum called me to say that she TEXTED him to say that she wants him out of the house by the end of February and that he can't love me if he's depressed and he can live in a sharehouse with druggies for all she cares. She then told me she wants to sell the family home and she wants to leave her husband as well and so many other things I do not need to be hearing. I tried calling my boyfriend after this and he wouldn't answer.

Please help! I'm completely exhausted.

[Croix]

Dear SophieM~
I’m not surprised you are exhausted – anyone would be, and as for asking for help, in that tangle it’s got to be a good idea.

So welcome to the bb Forum.

First of all, there’s a sign on the overhead on passenger aircraft, it says:

Put oxygen mask on self before others

This means you have to be in reasonable condition before you can help anyone else. So you need to do all the sensible things to help yourself first, food, rest, tidy up all study you need to so nothing's outstanding. Do your job with the least hassles and try not to take on new things.

If you can get moral and practical help from your parents (you did say you lived at home).

Ok with that out the way – unless you feel your anxiety had gone beyond what you’d expect for the situation - you can try to help your BF.

Franky from the sound of it his family, or at least his mother, appears to be a major stressor. Nobody can take being constantly put down by parents. He seems to have an awful lot on his plate just with his depression, and alcohol problems without that.

If you are reasonably ok with his medical treatment I guess encouraging him to keep all his appointments would be good. If you think it is not doing the job see if he can get a re-assessment and have it tweaked.

If he has to move out of the family home that may not be a bad thing, perhaps you can help him find something suitable?

Also he may not be in any condition to start a uni course - both of your judgments come into that. If not get him to discuss matters with the appropriate office for student mental health to see what his options are.

You did mention he had a father and siblings, what is the relationship like with them? While you can be a support it’s better for all if it is not just one person.

It also looks like his mother is putting his welfare onto you by informing you she had texted him – a mess.

If you need information about Depression, Anxiety and Alcohol abuse have a look at The Facts menu above.

In addition I’d suggest browsing the depression and anxiety sections of this Forum as well as the section on Carers. There are all sorts of experiences there – join in if you like.

Please continue to post, you will receive a caring and understanding reception.

Croix

[geoff]

hi Sophie, if his mother is like this now then there's no doubt it would have been no different when he was growing up, giving your b/friend a complex, which isn't a good way for anybody to try and mature.
If he does have depression then it must have been building up over a long period where I'm sure he would have been hiding it from anyone by putting on a fake face.
I wonder whether he was in rehab for alcohol addiction, not that I'm blaming him, so what I hope is that these drugs are benefiting him, but that's only half his battle, as his mother has once again thrown the boot into him, so the sooner he cuts her out of his life the better, because if she is still around degrading him he will never be able to overcome this depression and now she has thrown him more shock by wanting to leave her husband, wow.
He must be beyond belief to what's been happening and he definitely needs to get away from her and lose contact with her, the quicker the better.
If you know where he is I would try and see him, my only fear is that he may have starting drinking again just to numb the pain he is struggling with. Geoff.x

[Sophie2]

Hi Croix, thank you so much for your advice. I do try to look after myself first but I always catch myself out of the present and back worrying about the situation. I have no support from my family (they strongly discourage the relationship due to the negatives surrounding my boyfriend's depression) so that is another stressor. I find myself retreating to my bedroom as often as I can to escape from everything.

I have a feeling that my boyfriend's anti-depressants aren't right for him or maybe he's having a hard time adjusting to life without alcohol and weed. He has been quite irritable this month and issues with his mother on top of that has pushed him over the edge. He has no money saved to move out as he had spent everything he earned on alcohol before rehab. He is resuming work this week. His uni course starts in 2 weeks so I think he may also be nervous about that too, but I will encourage him to speak to someone about mental health support there.

His father lives at home with them but turns a blind eye to his depression and is probably the biggest enabler of the family in terms of driving him instead of encouraging him to drive, buying him alcohol & cigarettes etc so he doesn't have to leave the house. My boyfriend has two younger siblings and they don't have much of a relationship - his mum says they feel like they tread on eggshells around him because they don't want to upset him.

Since my first post, his mother has called me twice to say that she is no longer going to kick him out, but she will permanently move out instead. I feel this will indirectly affect my boyfriend because he will be made to feel as if he is breaking up the family. She has also asked me to go with him to his orientation & help him out with admin.

Thank you for those resources, I'm trying to read as much as I can to help myself. At this stage, I'm near my breaking point. It's very hard dealing with a boyfriend who will shut himself away in a split second, let alone dealing with his mother and my family who don't understand and make negative comments daily.

[Sophie2]

Hi Geoff, thank you for explaining that about his mother. My boyfriend would have no idea what would trigger his depression which was quite frustrating for him but this makes total sense. I told him he needs to put his armour on around his mother, without outright saying she was the trigger. Would it be beneficial if I explained this to him?

He was in rehab for alcohol addiction and I think they touched on depression, but they didn't recognise that the root of the issue was depression, not the alcohol so they primarily treated the alcoholism. The anti-alcohol drug is working, but I'm not confident it is working well with the particular anti-depressants he is on. I found out he relapsed after he saw that text from his mother. He had two ciders but after that went straight back into sobriety which I was so proud of.

He would not talk to me for about 4 days and I was really worried, but out of the blue messaged me late and said he really needed me. I went to his house the next day and he was asleep and he told me he has swapped the alcohol for coffee and has been sleeping all day and awake all night - not good for depression! We spoke and I suggested he try sparkling water as a substitute because it won't keep him up all night but would still take a while to drink to keep him busy.

I really hope he finds his groove before uni starts in 2 weeks and I think he is aware of this too. There isn't much I can do about his mother except to remind him that her words are only words and he needs to focus on himself and starting a new life that he will be proud of.

Thanks for your support.

[Croix]

Dear Sophie`

You are saying some very sensible things, sparkling water, putting on his armor. You say also you are not confident in saying more to him about his mother.

Frankly as Goff says he'd be better away from her..

Well, a lot can be in the way, and the time you talk about it, but getting him to think that his mother is not really correct in what she says is most important. Difficult as all of us tend to regard what our parents say as gospel, I certainly did for a while.

I guess parents can take a grain of truth and blow it up to major failings. The person who has not got a job is a favorite - it is seen as a reflection on them even if there are no jobs to be had. Things like failing the degrees - well while I don't know the circumstances but I bet there is a more positive way to put it - not just a put down. Saying that it was an accomplished given his circumstances and illness is one thing, saying it is a platform of experience to go on further is another.

Perhaps if you were to say to him to see if he feels better away from his mother and over - time judge for himself? Similarly not taking his father up on his offers but to try to be a little independent. Getting out of the house himself.

I'm still worried about you though, if you are trying to look after your BF - who is looking after you? It does not sound, from what you have said said, that he is being that supportive - I have I misunderstood things?

Do you have anyone to talk to, friend, other family like an auntie - anyone else?

Please come back to us and say how you are getting on

Croix

[Sophie2]

Tom and I had my uni ball over the weekend and I knew this was going to be a trigger, but I wanted to show him that we're a really strong team and we can push through some scary situations and come out stronger. Two days before, I was at his house making sure he was relaxed. He was nervous his suit wouldn't be up to scratch and I told him he would be the most handsome man there. He didn't want me to leave his apartment the next morning, I put it down to being loved up, in hindsight I think he was combusting. We have an amazing night at the ball. He tells me how much fun he's having and he's glad he pushed through and he's the perfect gentleman, telling me he loves me, i'm beautiful etc. However he has way too much to drink (the destructive amount) and I have too much as well (not enough to be destructive). We get back to his apartment and he turns to me, really erratic and titchy and says we need to talk about where this relationship is going. I freak out. I tell him I'm getting a cab back to my house and I leave in tears. He watches me leave from his apartment stairwell. The next morning I text him, apologising for freaking out on him and suggest we have space for 2 days to clear our heads. I arrive at his apartment after 2 days and he's distraught. He hugs me and says he doesn't know what he wants anymore, he says he's a loser and I worship him (I don't, that's his depression). He says he can't be with me the way he is, he needs to grow as a person before he can be with me. He's sick of hurting me. I tell him he has to follow his heart and if his heart says he needs a break, then he must listen to it. He goes back and forth between leaving the relationship and wanting me to stay. He's crying. He then tells me his mother told him I'm not the girl for him. He asks if we could just take a short break and then revisit the relationship and I said no, I think it's best if we work on ourselves for a while and then we'll find each other. As we said goodbye he said please don't forget him, he loves me and he can't wait for me to see the new Tom. I've cried ever since, the pain is indescribable. Aside from his depression, our relationship is beautiful - Tom agrees. I desperately want him to find himself and really commit to treatment this time but I can't believe I've lost my best friend. I have no idea what to do or if I will ever be with him again. He told me he's deep in his depression right now.

[Sophie2]

To add context, he's been living out of home since March and it's been the best thing for him. He had to drop out of uni - couldn't afford to not work and this triggered his anxiety and depression but he overcame it after a couple of weeks. The alcohol settled, as did his relationship with his mother (having space was great for them). However his roommate and friend (who hasn't been around 3 years Tom's been depressed, conveniently), has been bringing around weed to the apartment which Tom knows is a trigger. He's had a lot of it the last two weeks. Our relationship has been the best it's ever been these past 6 months, to the point where Tom is increasingly referencing a future together.

[Croix]

Dear Sophie~

I'm glad things are somewhat better, If I understand you correctly you are still not back together but are on a more even keel otherwise.

I'm sure Geoff was right about space from his mother being a big factor in his improvement. If only you could find some way to keep the weed out of it. I also suspect that not studying at the moment might be the best thing. It sounds as if there is enough pressure already.

You have not said that much about yourself and how you are coping. To be separated from the one you love is a terrible thing. Not to have family support as a refuge either just makes things 10 times worse.

I do think a lot of what he said about being a loser, being sick of hurting you and so on sounds very like myself when at my worst with depression. Self worth becomes totally absent and thinking one can love and be loved simply not understandable. Thinking one might be good for someone also seems quite impossible.

Hopefully if your boyfriend improves and these thoughts are caused by illness then they will fade.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[Sophie2]

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for getting back to me. To answer your question, I'm not coping. I wake up feeling like I've had a horrible nightmare and check my phone thinking there'll be a message from him asking what I want to do tonight. I spend my mornings in tears then numb in the afternoons. This has been the biggest shock to me, going from having the most loving, supportive boyfriend to all of a sudden him cut out of my life. I knew he was going through a wave the last 2-3 weeks but we've always been able to ride it out. He told me the last wave he had about two months ago, that me just being there and listening has helped him not be too scared to tell me how he's feeling. He'd been showing so much love I thought we were making so much progress. I was completely neutral when I found out he was smoking weed with his roommate because in the past, me showing disapproval only led to him doing it in secret. Doing this kept him open with me and I saw him actively try to resist the offers, clearly this was near impossible during this bout.

I feel so angry that depression won. I know how he feels about me and I know he wants the relationship so I'm angry that its got to him this badly that he feels (?) I can't support him through this and he seems to think he can fight on his own. If he hadn't been smoking weed and if he didn't get drunk at the ball, I honestly feel like we wouldn't be in this position and it's so unfair. 3.5 years together and 2 bad weeks for him throws the relationship away.

He has literally zero support in his life besides me. His friends couldn't care less about him - he knows this deep down but will never admit it and will do anything to make them like him. They are only around when they want to get drunk and high. They don't even know he's been depressed since he was 16. His family love him so much, I can see that, but they've had enough. They've run out of energy to really get behind him and support him to the extent he needs and it's heartbreaking. I'm proud that he's admitted he needs to get help and commit to treatment but I really can't see how he can go it alone. I understand that he's frustrated that nothing's changed for him yet but I think he can't see that baby steps are all he can do. I'm devastated that he listened when depression told him he doesn't deserve my love. I'm prepared to give him space for a few weeks but I'm scared he'll shut me out for good and fall to pieces. I feel completely broken.