not sure what to do anymore. husband going through depression

[deek21]

Hi everyone, 

This is my first time one bb and I need advice guidance.

My husband has been going through anxiety and depression for years. 10+years.

We have been together now for 9years and have a daughter who is 2 years old.

Im 25 and my husband is 31 , hes been on and off medication since we got together.  Being 17 and he was 22 i wasn't really worried if i couldn't support him because back then i thought I knew enough.

So hes back and rock bottom again! And I am unsure of everything yet again.  Hes crying alot doesn't want to go to work cant cope. He doesn't want to see family and friends, our intimacy is gone, his moods are all over the place one minute hes depressed next hes angry and hates and complains about everything. .

I thought it would be easier now that its happened so many times before but im in a hard place.  We planned on trying for baby#2 in Dec . I know its off the cards, and i feel so lost.  

My daughter whos 2 seems to understand somewhat that daddy and mommy are sad. Asking if we are ok and happy breaks my heart.

And I am left doing it all alone, cooking, working, maintaining the house and our child. Then supporting my husband.  Its hard, i don't know where I see myself in the next few years with him.

Hes on some anxiety tabs; which make him feel hungover and at the same time he hates it!

I just feel so lost as to whats best for my daughter.  I love my husband but i don't know how much I can handle anymore.  I know if it was me id want support but at the same time im losing myself and I feel like im losing my touch as a mom. 

I don't know if the best for my daughter to be in a relationship with her dad despite his depression and her see it all. Or to leave and keep her protected knowing what i go through. 

I feel like I have relived this so many times before that im over it. At the same time i feel guilty to put my needs or even my daughter's before someone whos so broken.

Please give me some advice, i have been doing this since I was 17! What else can I do?

[Doolhof]

Hi deek21,

Thanks for sharing your story with us and welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue.

If you don't mind me asking you a few questions, does your husband see a Dr regularly about his depression and anxiety? Is he on medication for his depression or just his anxiety? Has he been to see a psychiatrist or psychologist?

Would your husband be open to attending some couples counselling? You could get advice from someone about how to try to improve this situation. The person may also be able to give you some suggestions how all of this may be affecting your child.

Both my husband and I suffer from depression. Thankfully I am doing a lot better at present as my husband is now really low and has not worked for nearly three years now so I support us both and do most of everything around the house and garden.

It can be tough, I certainly understand that. We were not able to have children, so we don't have that concern as well. I had wanted to keep trying for children but my husband didn't, so I do understand that bit as well.

I suppose one of the main things to do with your daughter is to let her know that her Daddy is not well, and that in no way is it her fault at all. Let her know that you both love her very much. Make the most of the times you do have together as a family, even if it is to just go outside and kick a ball around together or go to a park.

Is it possible for you to have a little time to yourself now and then to go out with a friend? Do you have family or friends who could look after your daughter if you are not sure about leaving her with your husband?

You could also try phoning the phone help line here at Beyond Blue to see if the person can give you some advice and suggestions on how to cope better with what is happening.

Try and find as much help and assistance as you can. Have you talked with a Dr. yourself about how yo are feeling? That might help too.

Hopefully others will offer their thoughts as well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[deek21]

Thanks Mrs Dools for your reply. 

Regarding the doctors he does see his GP as often as he can and he has a regular physiologist and psychiatrist. 

We tried the whole couples therapy a few times but he hates to go and finds it pointless as everything is fine according to him. He even drinks to help his anxiety. Hes on meds for depression and anxiety. .but its a waiting game to see what works

Hes now tossing up if he can handle going back at all to work or going on centrelink.

Unfortunately financially things will be hard, and with Christmas around the corner breaks my heart.

Family are happy to babysit and its fine sometimes but i want my daughter with me.  

Family can't or should I saw wont help us financially if he leaves work and we are struggling even us moving back until he gets better. 

But i guess most of all im constantly thinking about what is best for my daughter, i feel like im falling out of love with my husband.  And im over being the rock. I feel like i can never enjoy anything, and im 25 so it's been 9years of being a carer how much more can I handle?  Is it selfish to walk out with my daughter if i can't do this anymore? 

[JessF]

Hello deek21, it sounds like you are thinking you may want to leave the relationship but think it would be selfish to do so. It takes two to make a relationship, and the needs of both partners have to be accommodated if things are going to work long term. At the moment, it sounds as if the traffic is all one way. You got together with this man at a very young age, and it sounds like resentment is beginning to take over from love. 

Perhaps it's worth thinking about what it is in your life that you want to be different, and then what it's going to take in order to make those changes.  It may mean that separation is a step you have to take, but that choice will need to be yours and based on your own (and your daughters) needs, not on what others may think of you.