Not much to be done I suppose....

[Kristoferly]

I suspect my partner is deeply depressed but there seems to be nothing I can do for her. She knows, at some level, that she is experiencing depression but refuses to do anything about it. She refuses to see a gp, a psychologist, will not contemplate antidepressants,  will not discuss it with family or friends (she has only one or so of them), is looking for externals to blame such as where we live, me, etc. There seems to be a disticnt pattern in that she feels a lot worse, is more volatile and angry in the second half of her cycle, but she denies any connection and refuses to acknowledge or discuss any relationship between her mood and her cycle.  Her state of mind changes so fast that she may have been in a good state of mind a couple of months ago but now can not remember or even imagine that we were getting on fine and having a good time as little as 6 weeks ago, it's like she can onyl see the past through a negative filter now. This has happened before and we almost sold the house during the last major episode only for her to come out of it and to be so happy that we didn't wither her saying how much she loved living where we do, etc. Now, she hates it again, it's all bad, there is no good, and she doesn't want to be here. She drags herself to work and when she is ot at work she only wants to stay at home, lay in bed and read. She has no interest in anything or going anywhere or doing anything. She sleeps terribly - waking up at 1am and not getting back to sleep. She is tired, angry, upset and just so sad. I hate to see her like this but we can't seem to discuss it, she won't seek help, she won't even acknowledge it. I'm never sure if this is goign to be the episode that breaks us up after 14 years or if she will come through this and be ok for a while before it comes on again. It's tiring,  its exhausting and its really upsetting because I feel like I'm failing her, that I can't do anything to fix it. When she does try to talk about it, I stupidly try to come up with ways to help, to do the guy thing and fix it. But she just wants me to sit and listen to her tell me how deeply sad she is but doesn't want to discuss what to do about it. As I said in the title,  I don't suppose there is much that can be done. I don't know what to do anymore and I can't seem to do anything that doesn't make things worse. Sometimes my frustration comes to the surface and that, of course just makes things so much worse. No excuses though. Anyway, I'm out of ideas...

[Taylor2]

Hi Kristoferly,

I am sorry to hear that you and your partner are going through this, I know how difficult it can be. I was in this same position with my partner about a year ago before he finally decided to go and get help. 

 The main thing to remember here is that it is not your fault and generally the only person who will be able to fix how she is feeling is herself. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. With my partner all I could do was be there for him, listen when he decided he wanted to confide in me. Letting him know that no matter what I would be by his side.

It definitely sounds like she needs some help. Does she have any friends or other family that may help or be able to talk to her so maybe they can try and make her see that she needs to get some professional help? 

I personally am not a fan of anti-depressants and my partner and I did some research into natural ways in which to help depression/ mood swings/ sadness. Things like fish oil, melatonin as well as meditation and yoga. Physical exercise is also great for overcoming sadness. They say 45-60minutes of intense exercise will help imensely. 

Have you also tried telling her how it is affecting you? It took me near breaking down for my partner to realise that his behaviour wasn't just affecting him, that it was also causing me stress and sadness. My self worth decreased because of how he was acting and treating me. 

I hope she can see some reason and understand yoy are just trying to help her the best you can. Good luck! 

[Ladyhawke]

Dear Kristoferly, 

​I really feel for both you and your partner; it sounds like you've both been having a wretched time for quite a while. It must be both agonizing and frustrating for you when your partner seems be resistant to all suggestions of help.

It does sound as though she has the classic symptoms of depression, but only a mental health professional would be able to provide an accurate assessment of her state.

To be frank, were I in your position, I would be clueless as to what to do; it appears that you have had no luck with any suggestions you have presented to your partner. 

If I was in your position, I would seek advice from a professional who has the knowledge and expertise to give you some guidance in moving the situation forward.

I would most certainly contact the 'beyondblue' helpline and speak to one of the kind professionals who will more than likely present you with some options that you may not have thought of.  It may also be helpful for you to also speak to one of the professionals. It seems you have been burdened with a difficult situation for some time and you may find a sense of relief in talking to someone about how you feel. Please do call 'beyondblue' - I'm quite certain they will be able to provide you with somr very valuable assistance.

Best wishes to you and your partner.

lh

[Kristoferly]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your thoughts. I suppose my problem now is that I have reached a point of paralysis. I can't do anything without making things worse between us and if I do nothing there is little chance anything will improve.  Any efforts to raise the issue or suggest ways to tackle it/them is met with either denial or anger, or both. So, perhaps it's not constructive,  but now I find that doing nothing is the safest option. I absorb myself in my own interests, we interact less, we do less together, she resents me being so focused on my own stuff but prefers to read all day rather than do anything else. So, we drift along, not really together but not too far apart either. We barely touch - we have never slept in the same bed anyway as neither of us can get a good nights sleep. When we talk we talk about superficial stuff.  We used to talk about philosophy,  art, books and all sorts of stuff but she has no interest anymore. So, I don't know what to do. I don't expect you guys to solve it for me, it's far too complex an issue to expect to tackle it in a couple of forum posts. I suppose I just reached the point where I needed to voice how I'm feeling about it all. 

[Ladyhawke]

Dear Kristoferly, 

​I realise that I should have added in my reply to you that, whenever you feel the need to vent how you're feeling or just connect with someone, please come back to the forums. 

You're dealing with a very difficult situation and it often helps to let off a little steam every now and then when you're under a great amount of stress.

This is a very caring and supportive community and you don't need to sit with a burden of unexpressed feelings when there are so many of us willing to listen and offer help if that is what you need.

Regards

lh