No one to confide in, living with my husband's depression

[Tanlan]

Where to start...

My husband who I still love very much suffers from anxiety and depression and has a range of OCD tendencies.  We've been together for over 10 years and have 3 kids.  

I feel like my life plays out as a recurring roller coaster of emotions that is on constant repeat.  Life is good then then hubby spirals into a depressed state, kids and I walk on eggshells, hubby goes too far and we stop interacting for an extended period of time, hubby apologises, I think this time he will really mean it, have a good few weeks/months and the cycle starts again.  It's been the same cycle from the day I met him.  I mean how many years can someone spend their late nights googling 'how to get a divorce' or 'my husband's depression is ruining my marriage' as a way of avoiding having to sleep in the same bed.

Before he met me my husband had a very messy separation that he still harbours a lot of hate and anger.  Any arguments we have generally end up with him blaming his behaviour on his past saying 'how are you meant to forget what happened, that ruined my life, etc'.  My attempts to ask him to let it go and move on are shut down and swept aside.

He has always had anger management issues and is quick to lose his cool verbally though I always told myself if he ever got physical I would leave.  Well I can't even stay true to those words as earlier this month his rage got out of hand and he punched me in the stomach with the kids around.  The me who would give advice to other people would say you have to leave yet when it is your reality it is a lot harder than just saying you have to leave.  

My husband takes anti depressants but has pretty much refused counselling.  He will often say he is leaving (usually in front of the kids which upsets them greatly) but he has never gone through with it.  I often thinks he wants to push me to my breaking point so that I'm the one saying I want out so he can blame me and not have to own up to his behaviour.  If I've ever hinted that separation might be best he says it won't matter as he wont live long anyway.

Ive resorted to writing on this forum as I honestly feel like I have no one to confide in and seek advice.  My friends are none the wiser and I don't have any family I'm willing to talk to.

I guess I'd like to hear some other wives and mothers who have been in similar situations and hear what they did to help their husband, marriage, and most importantly their children and themselves.

[Carmela]

Hi Tanlan, I am so sorry to read that you are struggling with you husband. 10 years is a long time to ride the rollercoaster of depression but what courage you have to take that ride to support your husband.  My experiences are similar to yours in that l have been with my husband for nearly 18 years now and he has had depression for as long as l can remember.  The difference here is that he has never been physically violent.  I have firm boundaries that he understands and one of these is that violence toward me or the children is unacceptable and the consequences are that we leave and seek respite and assistance. I feel you need to establish your boundaries as you have 3 children who are either watching or listening to what is occurring in the home.  Under no circumstances is violence ok. Depression is not an excuse for abuse and you should not have to put up with this. For your children, simply witnessing violence like this impacts on their development and can cause life long problems. 

I am worried for your on-going safety and well-being. I strongly encourage you to get in touch with 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), the national family violence service, to get more information and support around your home situation.  1800RESPECT can help you to make a safety plan, however if you ever feel in immediate danger know that you can call 000 for emergency services to attend.  I would also make contact with your GP to talk about your own mental health and what you can do re coping strategies and how to deal with the children and what they are witnessing.
I hope my message has been helpful for you. Please remember that you and your children deserve health and happiness too. Please do not put up with abuse. There is help out there for you. Know that Beyondblue
are always here for you too. You are very welcome to call the support and information line on 1300 22 4636 if you have further concerns or questions.

[lifes-adventures]

Hi, I am so new here but didn't want to just scroll past as your story is like a look into a possible future for me and quite a wake up call. I have been with my depressed husband 5 years and two children so far. He has the quickest temper, so far no violence against me or the kids but we have had things thrown and broken and angry speeding off in the car so I could see it ending up there I suppose if I am completely honest. My husband has phoned the beyond blue line once or twice but will not talk to anyone on a regular basis and will not go on antidepressants (he is a truck driver and diesel mechanic so if he does we really would lose our only income, I can understand but wonder if we make the right decision there at times). I don't have any real advice i'm sorry, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I haven't found any answers, but I do know that my husband is interstate working at the moment and I have found myself coping better with the kids and happier within myself, so it really is time to get things under control. I hope you find the right solution for your family and please do remember that you are not alone (that point makes a huge difference for me 🙂 )