New to forum,but not new to Depression & My Son

soulful42 · ‎28-02-2016

Hi all, I have looked through this site before and found it a bit difficult to navigate. Hope I can get some advice though.

I'm a single mother to two adult children 26 & 21. I found out about 8yrs ago that I was adopted, which means that for 43yrs I believed my parents to have been my biological parents. My mother died before anything was said to me, and my father decided to tell me even though he and my mother had previously agreed not to tell me until I was 50. So my father told me a few years early. Anyhow, what troubles and severely depresses me is my relationship with my son - 21yr old. Recently, he broke up with his girlfriend of 2yrs, he failed two Uni courses and he himself has become severely depressed. To the extent that he said Online that he wanted to hurt himself. The second occasion when this occurred, police arrived at my door and we went to Local hospital's Mental Health unit. So, he is seeing a psychologist, but I am not certain the psychologist is getting the full picture. Also, he has now found himself a new girlfriend and basically seems to focus entirely on her.

I am finding it difficult to cope. He is secretive and avoidant. He 'wants to lead his own life'. I know there are other people in much worse circumstances than myself, but I miss the son I once knew. I also feel kind of terrible because none of the other young men in our circle behave like my son.

I am seeing a psychologist myself. She thinks my son may have some aspects of ADD, in as much as he is disorganised in both thinking and actions, unreliable, impulsive, has poor insight and poor self awareness. The trouble is that I don't have the strategies to cope with all this.

I'm sorry if this seems pretty disjointed, I guess that's part of how I am.

blondguy · ‎28-02-2016

Hi Soul and Welcome to the forums (no apologies necessary...your strength to post is to be admired)

Your plate is full...very full. I have a daughter the same age and similar issues and it is difficult Soul. I will keep this in bullet points to avoid throwing long paragraphs at you...

* Breaking up with a GF at your sons age can have a big impact...It can be miserable for him..

* He is seeing a psychologist...excellent...That is such a big step forward (with respect to your thoughts)

* Secretive and avoiding.....Also very common...Your son is trying to cope Soul...

* 'Wants to lead his own life'....again very heartbreaking but he is most likely 'trying to find his way'

* You are also seeing a psychologist Soul...a really good move...It will help bring some 'Clarity' to help you cope

* You are doing so very much to help and 'be there' for your son...(same as me by the way) but sometimes there is only so much you can do. I realise that its easily said Soul, but there is a limit to how much you can help..

* I also miss the daughter I once knew...same age as your son....it hurts...a lot...

* New Girlfriend...okay he focuses solely on her...but it is still great news that he has another avenue of thought

I did read that you are having difficulty coping Soul and that feeling is dreadful to have. If I may ask you....Do you have someone that you can 'vent' to? Always great to have an outlet especially with your predicament.

You have articulated yourself perfectly Soul. Right now you are doing everything you possibly can for your son and well done too! Sometimes there is only so much we can do as a parent(s) I am at that stage right now...Like yourself I care so much...I have told my 'daughter' that I am there for her. Thats the best (for myself) I can do right now....It would be detrimental to my own health if I did try any harder.

It may not mean much Soul, if you want a bit of extra face to face support never underestimate your GP...They are better trained to assist to than a few years ago...There is always light at the end of the tunnel..

Just my very humble opinion (if I may). I am very glad right now that your son has a new girlfriend Soul.

He obviously knows you are 'there' for him.....That in itself is the best care you can provide at this moment.

We are here for you Soul if you wish to get back to us...

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Fairywings · ‎29-02-2016

Hi there im sorry you are going through such a hard time and that your son is experiencing this at this time in his life. Breakups r never easy and the fact that he has a new one might be a good distraction for him she even may be able to help him get through this. Greiving someone you loved and lost is never easy and i do believe in some way shape or form he is greiving and needs time and space to overcome this. Sometimes its a case where us parents know nothing about life and the experiences it brings your son is wanting and needing to find his way in life. Like paul said there is only so much that we parents can do for our kids the rest is up to them. He will come to you i have no doubt it and i understand that while that is happening as parents its hard watching them grow older and facing life themselves as adults. Don't ever doubt yourself your doing an amazing job the best way you know how and that's all that's important and never feel terrible about urself. I can assure you that things will sort themselves out it all just needs that precious word called time. Xxoo in terms of ur other concerns relating to son confide in ur gp they will guide u down the v road of assessments if that's what's going to get u a diagnosis for his behaviors. Hope i have been of some help we are all here for v you and so brave of you to post given all the hard times you v have been through so v glad ur getting help there for you. Xx take care venessa

Fairywings · ‎29-02-2016

This is meant for you soulful xx

blondguy · ‎29-02-2016

You are fine Vanessa...I always hit the wrong button too 🙂

You have done so very well...please stick around

Kind Thoughts

Paul

(sorry soul to stick my beak in on your thread)

soulful42 · ‎02-03-2016

Hi again,

I wonder what your thoughts might be, I just saw my pyschologist today and I'm feeling rather down. We talked about how I might be 'living through my son's achievements' and having higher expectations of him with him unconsciously not living up to them. I do see a lot of parallels with my own growing up at this age, and it is true to say that I would prefer history not to repeat itself. I also feel powerless to change myself or behave differently than I do. I feel sad and can't see much of a resolution to the problem of my expectations.

JessF · ‎02-03-2016

Hello soulful, perhaps a first question might be, what is the resolution you are seeking? If you could push a magic button tomorrow and have things exactly as you wanted with your son, what would that look like?

soulful42 · ‎02-03-2016

Hi JessF,

Yes, Considering what I want is something I should consider. It isn't something I've looked at throughout my life. I only seem to be able to say what I don't want -which isn't very helpful I know/ I guess some of my response is conditioning from my mother. The trouble is that I come from a more European view of life where families are often a bit more 'in each others' pockets'. So the reserved, 'stand offish' Anglo view is more what I am told to use in relation to coping with my son.

I suppose what I'd like in a kind of ideal world is for my son to 'walk a mile in my shoes' and know how much I did for him and his sister as a single parent. Everything I say to my son is immediately taken as a criticism. How does one live co-operatively with a young adult.

I had hoped that when my son reached adulthood , he would be independent, but maintain ties with those who cared most for him - family and close friends. From my perspective the first year out of school and at Uni went reasonably well. Then, feeling sorry for himself after a break-up , he basically involved himself with a girl who was going out with one of his close friends. This event contributed to the degradation of our relationship. He 'wanted to lead his own life' and I told him that what he had done was pretty much what his father had done to me.

Two years later, that girl dumped him. He failed two subjects. The relationship between us has been strained in that time, then recovered somewhat and now again that there is a new girl....His cohort of school friends are... grown up . I wish he was.

I don't suppose that makes things any clearer. I wish we could talk without fear of further damage to the shreds of our relationship.

soulful42 · ‎03-03-2016

Thanks for your thoughts. I wonder if you know of any information for parents dealing with young adults who have been diagnosed with ADD or similar. Thanks again.

Immum · ‎05-03-2016

HI Mother

I have read your post. I empathize your pain and concern. I have big issues with my son who is 15.

I want to encourage you, as we all need to. I want you to:

-Take time for yourself to do the things you are intersted in. You need time out from worries and son's preoccupation to recharge. I have to do that too and still learning.

- Never doubt that you have done your very best and that is MEGA. your very best is MEGA. Dont take anything a 'sick' person say against you as personal. 'Forgive them for they know not what they do.'.

- Yes, others have comment on some positives that are happening, so keep those things in mind.

- Yes, it is a time to live each day at a time, not able to make any long term plans. I am with you on that one. Find ways to do that, be it meditation or otherwise.

Lovingly yours, Suzette