Need help with finding the right things to say..

[kindness94]

I have had a lot of one on one experience with depression, watching my father deal with it for the past 10 years.

Not long ago, my partner pushed me away due to his severe depression - Saying things like he couldn't see a future and didn't know why he was feeling this way. He also feels guilt becasue he doesn't want me to go though what I had to go through with my father again.I am very supportive of him and would never leave his side. He is still very loving towards me even though i'm at the sideline.

Its not until recently he asked for my help and guidance to get better. He is now in hospital and I wanted to write him some little letters for him to help. Things like "on a bad day, on a good day, when things are tough" etc or anything you think that will help him and to help him realise Im not going anywhere and I love him very much no matter what.

Any help will be greatly appreciated. I want to do anything I possibly can to support him. Sometimes its the small things that matter too.

Thank you

[topsy_]

Hello kindness94,

You sound like such a wonderful wife. Your husband is lucky to have your support & I'm sure he knows & appreciates that. Some of us don't get that support. When our partners hear the words "mental illness" they run the other way fast.

I have just a few ideas for ways to support him. Those words you quoted sound lovely. Just make sure he doesn't have to read anything too long. My concentration is always shot when I'm really depressed.

You said he's in hospital right now, so 2 things -

1. Remind him he WILL get better. He will enjoy life again.

2. Express your pride in him for allowing himself to receive the treatment he needs where he needs it.

I don't know what your hospital setting is like but when I was an inpatient I was allowed to go on accompanied walks & I could go to the hospital cafeteria for a coffee. It's nice to get out of the ward sometimes. So you could suggest those things if you think his energy levels are increasing.

As your husband starts to feel better, you can branch out a bit more - take him home for his favourite meal then return him afterwards. (I live in the country so it's not far, you mightn't be able to do that in the city).

Thats all I can think of straight away. You're already doing the most important thing - loving & supporting him. The treatment of depression & in particular the medications are so much better these days than in the past, so I'm hoping it won't be as difficult as it was with your father.

Look after yourself,

Lyn.

[kindness94]

Hi there Lyn,

Thank you so very much. This helps immensely!!

Unfortunately this man is not my husband. He was my boyfriend. Once he became severely depressed after a series of events he pushed me away because he didn't want me to go through the same pain I had to go though with my dad. The only explanation I truly got was that he couldn't see a future and he didn't know why - he pushed me and his family away (we constantly talked about marriage and kids, our love was once in a lifetime).

After a while he reached out to me for help, and I understand what depression can do to you, that is why i'm sticking around. To love and to support. That I will always give. He is still very loving and caring towards me, very affectionate, on the days I do get to see him, worth his weight in gold. I want to get him the help he needs and I hope maybe one day things will get better with us and he will understand what i'm trying to do for him. I will stick by him no matter what to get him where he needs to be.Things are very confusing, but his health is my main concern and I must be patient. Things in that sense are still blurry. I just wish it could be by his side, he just feels so guilty.

Another question, if you have the time. As I don't get to speak to him every day - I don't want to overwhelm him, becasue he feels guilty with the whole situation and he knows I care for him very much. How do you get someone to let you back in like before, open up and trust? Or just ANYTHING i can possibly do help, small or big. Its something i'm willing to do. Its obvious that he has pushed me away becasue of this. How often should I be reaching out to him and what are some simple messages I could send him where there wont be pressure? Something special. Some days I hear from him and others are distant, im usually the one who is reaching out.

I want to tell him how I truly feel about him - but instead I tell him how much he is worth and how much I care. Maybe he needs to do some healing before he hears the rest? Patience is the hardest, I hate seeing him like this especially from the sideline. Some days I just dont know what exactly to do. Thoughts? He is actually going into hospital next week now - things got delayed unfortunately.

Thank you for your help and for listening. Anything anyone can recommend is wonderful and greatly appreciated.

[topsy_]

Hello again kindness94,

Its lovely to hear from you again. I'm sorry I thought your boy/friend was your husband. I'm also sorry that his hospital admission has been delayed.

Its difficult to know about the timing of when & what you say to him. When I'm badly depressed I get caught up with myself. In other words, really selfish. It's not that I decide to be like that, it just seems to work that way. Consequently I'm not at all tuned in to the wants & needs of those people close to me.

Its not just the introspection that makes relationships difficult but also the exhaustion that comes with the depression. Even if I'm aware of those around me I just can't muster the energy to have a normal conversation. I feel so wiped out even saying a few words.

On the other hand though, I do believe it's important for the depressed person to know those close to them are & always will be there for them. I guess that's not entirely helpful, but I think you'll have to use your knowledge of him to judge.

You can also just ring the ward when he is in hospital. If he's not up to talking you can ask the staff to give him your best wishes/love. I don't think you can really do too much wrong. He knows you & that you mean well. Just hang on to that hope & his recovery will come.

I don't know how long your friend has been suffering from depression, but when the worst times are over, there's still counselling & medication etc to be handled. All this can change a person. Hopefully it will be for the better. But we can't know that for sure.

I hope some of this has been helpful. I still think your friend is lucky to have someone as supportive & caring as you in his corner.

Take care, Lyn.

[pipsy]

Hi kindness94. I suppose the hardest part here is the knowledge that, though you want to be there, to help him fight the battle, it's his battle. Perhaps writing him a simple letter telling him how much you love him. Also maybe a 'get well' card might give him a smile. Ringing the ward, as was suggested is a great idea too. He will receive the message. Once you've sent the card along with the letter, leave it at that. After he starts seeing his counsellor and gets his meds sorted, maybe suggest you go with him to see his counsellor for emotional support. Do you have a recent photo of the two of you, perhaps suggest he take that with him. I know when I was hospitalized, I had a photo of my kids. Looking at their smiling faces also helped lift me. In the letter, you could invite him to contact you (if he wishes) just to say hi. All these little things do help when someone is feeling very negative about themselves.

You're on the right track. Be guided too by the staff who take care of patients with his illness.

Lynda.

[kindness94]

Thank you very much Lyn and Lynda!

Your kind words are very helpful!
I know it is his battle and he has to be the one to fight it - so i offer my support and let him know im here and care very much. I think it its the hardest thing watching someone you love so dearly go through such a horrible pain.

I worry that if I write a letter telling him how much I love him, he may push we away or not be ready for it. As he is still blinded by the "I cant see a future anymore" thing..It there really any good time? I dont want to do anything that will make things harder. Im here to lift some of his hurt. I know at this point I have just been pushed to the side with everything that is going on and a relationship is just too hard, but I still want to be there for him - and I hope that it could make us stronger on the other end. His happiness comes first.

Unfortunately I didn't get to see him just before he went into hospital 😞 He is going in this morning - and I know he wont be allowed his phone for 3-5 days. I will do what you suggest and to call when things settle or maybe just wait for his message so there is no pressure??.He said he was excited to see me in hospital and that he took a bear that I gave him. He said "Im taking him because it reminds me of you" - I would assume this is a good thing when he says that and when he says he misses me??

The get well card and a recent picture is a lovely idea too. I also like the idea of going with him to his counsellor - all depending if he is comfortable with me doing that with him.
If you don't mind me asking, did hospital help you feel better equipped to deal with things? Or what did you get most our of it? At the moment he is going for 3 weeks, I worry that wont be enough, but i'm sure the doctors will recommend him to say longer if he needs.

Ive made him a little goodie bag of treats and things like a journal so I hope this will make him smile too. Just a kind gesture.

Thank you so very much, your words and support are very helpful!

[pipsy]

Hi kindness. Perhaps at this stage just sending a card might be better if you're concerned about a letter being too much to handle. In my situation, there was a psychologist who helped me see most of my problems were because of frustration with my domestic situation. My psych did see my ex and I together and he said afterward that he 'picked' up on a lot of issues that needed addressing. Once your bf becomes comfortable with the psych, this could take a couple of visits, then maybe suggest you accompany bf. Staying three weeks will give the psych an opportunity to get to know him, and if he feels your bf could benefit from staying longer, he will discuss with him before making any recommendations. Another idea to think about. In the card you could put your contact number and invite him to ring, if he wants to. Let him know he's under no obligation to follow through, but the invite is there. I used to ring my daughter just to hear her voice. It meant a great deal to me, knowing there was a familiar voice.

Lynda.

[kindness94]

Hi Lynda,

Okay, I shall send him a card and see where things go from there!
What are some good things that will tell him that I care and am not going anywhere? I want him to know I want to be by his side no matter what and despite everything I have been though with my fathers depression. That his pain isnt too much for me to handle and it isnt a hassle or a burden..

Thanks for helping me understand that better, I really appreciate it - its hard to know how exactly everything works. I would like to go and see they psych with him. So I shall just let things settle in and see where he is at in a few days and after he has settled in with the doctors. He always seems happier when he hears my voice. I just hope this time will do him good.
Im just hoping everything work out. Thats all I can do I guess.

Thank you so very much!

[topsy_]

Hi kindness

I just thought I'd pick up on your asking about if hospital helped. All I can say is - without a doubt! It not only helped but it saved my life.

I had 3 admissions - 2 to an ordinary private hospital & 1 to a general hospital which really didn't achieve anything. It was only after I was admitted to the psych ward that I realised that the people there could understand what was happening to me & they knew how to help me.

I live in central NSW & our health services are nothing compared to those in the major cities. It was & still is rare to see a psychiatrist. My admissions were usually about 10-14 days. I would have been lucky to have seen the psychiatrist twice each time. I was lucky though because I hit the jackpot with the psych. He was a lovely gentle older man with a wealth of experience & it was he who finally diagnosed me with PTSD besides depression.

I was definitely suicidal before a few of those admissions. The care I received was fantastic. The nursing staff was fantastic & a few of them really reached out to me.

I would encourage your boyfriend to just "let go" & let the staff help him through this time. In hospital you don't have to do it all on your own - everyone is there to help you.

One of my admissions was for 6 weeks. I was admitted to the normal end of the ward, but I was still scared I might hurt myself, so I asked if I could go to the locked ward (called special care). It has heaven!! For the first time in my life I didn't have to struggle to keep myself safe. The staff took that role. They were/are special people those locked wards staff.

I hope that helps a little kindness. Until we actually experience a mental health ward I think we expect it to be like some horror movie. But it's not. I hope your boyfriend comes out feeling more calm & hopeful.

Kind regards, Lyn.

[pipsy]

Hi kindness. You asked what sort of thing you could say to let your bf know you are 'there' for him, when he is better. I think sending a card along with a lovely photo and the phone number will more than let him know how much you care. Hopefully, he may share this with his psych who will then be able to reinforce what you're saying. If he chooses to contact you, you could then ask him how he is feeling with his psych. Encourage him to open up to you about his sessions with him, if he wants to. If you are able to attend the meetings with counsellor, it's possible you may be asked then, if you're able to work with bf. I wouldn't mention about your dad, that's between you and bf. I think, at this stage showing you care enough to be there for your bf is what the psych will be wanting to see.

Lynda.