Need help .. getting frustrated ;-;

[John11]

Hi,

Here's the thing .. I've met this girl online few month ago .. We started dating few weeks after we met .. It was great had soo much fun everyday although we don't Skype much but we still do sometimes anyways lately it hasn't been the case she's gets super sad a lot nothing I say or do would actually make her better and then she told me that she was diagnosed with depression when she was 13 (17 now) it's weird for me although I have a few friends that suffered from depression but I never was that close to them when they did and the thing is its starting to effect me she gets really weird and kinda meanie when she's sad and I honestly don't know what to do she lives thousands of miles away and I tried to convince her to go to therapy or actually take meds she completely refuses it .. I love her I truly do but I feel bad about myself cause I can't help her and I want to see her happy again like she was ;-; I'm always with her by texting like always and I don't even know if that's the right thing to do or should I leave her alone sometimes.. and I always remind her that I love her and that I'm here for her and that it's gonna get better but it's like she doesn't believe any of it .. anyways I'm sorry the post is probably really distorted since my thoughts are distorted and I hope someone can help me with this 😞

[Sea-n-sky]

Hi,

Well on the positive side you seem to recognise that your thoughts are distorted.

That's a good start.

However I don't think it's a good idea to be handling the matter on your own.

I don't think it will do you any good, nor the girl in question.

That doesn't mean you should stop communicating with her, but I would suggest that you get her to join these forums herself - if that is possible.

She may get a variety of well considered advice and comment from a number of   experienced sources, each independent of the other, which may be of benefit to her.

A sort of "reality check",  from which perhaps you would both gain some benefit..

 It's Just a thought.

Rgds,

Sea-n-sky 

[geoff]

dear John, welcome to the site and I hope that we can offer some advice which may help you as well as your girlfriend, if I can say this.

When you are suddenly now faced with the real issue of depression, then you realise that it's different from having previous friends going through this illness, even though you didn't have to cope with their own depression, because now it's a totally different ball-game.

So now you have to decide what is your best option so that you can not only help her but always yourself, because it is difficult for you as well.

The main objective is to tell her that you still love her and that you will be there for her, not only being supportive, but also caring for her and then trying to help her through her depression.

There are normally a couple of rules that is generally done and these are that it's never a good idea to keep contacting her on a daily basis, because what happens is that depressed people get annoyed by the continual phone calls, texts or emails, so in turn it turns them off they literally hate it, because it's always a constant way of trying to contact them, and in your case her.

It doesn't mean that they don't love you, but if it keeps on happening then over time they will try and avoid you, so it's no different than telling your kids to keep eating their vegetables, as they will do anything to get rid of them, by giving it to the dog, putting them in their pocket, pretend to be sick etc., so your friend will turn off their phone, not check their emails, and don't answer the landline phone, which in turn makes you worry more, and then rush over to see how they are.

So what this does is put you in a 'no win' situation.

She will be reluctant in telling you how she is going, except for the usual comment 'OK getting there', but that's it, she won't go into detail, even though you continually ask, and this happens because someone with depression doesn't want to bring someone they love drawn into what's going on, or how they are feeling, and depression causes this, so you will be kept on the outer, and again this doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, so please try and not take it this way.

What I would do is to ask her to give the doctors and psych's your phone number as someone to contact if in desperate need of any trouble that may happen, or you could ask her to who her doctor/psych is that she is seeing.

I almost out of words to type, so just quickly check with her about the appointments she has. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear John

Thank you for posting here and welcome to the forum. It's good that you trust us with your story.

You say your girlfriend does not believe you when you say you love her and that she will get better. Of course not. That's the problem with depression. There is a deep belief that the person with the illness is unworthy of love, never has been worthy and life will never get better because in some strange way they cannot  remember the good times from the past.

This probably sounds stupid to you but it is completely true. I have yet to meet anyone with depression who believes in themselves until they have received a great deal of help.  You need some help before you can help your girlfriend. By the way, can we have a name for her, even if it is not her real name. It's easier than to keep saying your girlfriend.

At the top of this page are a number of tabs. Please explore them. There is heaps of factual information on depression available. Beyond Blue will send you what you ask for, free of charge.  It's a good starting point. There is also information for family and friends on how to help the person. It would be good for you to have that also.

As Geoff has said, YG will not want your constant contact. I know it's hard as it appears to you that YG will think you don't care. But is right. Too much contact sounds like nagging and she may well push you away.

It is more difficult to get someone to go to a doctor when you are so far away. And if you try to force her to go she will probably cut you off.  Instead try to explore with her why she does not want to go to a doctor. Ask about her experience of being diagnosed with depression, but gently. It may have been quite traumatic.

How do her family fit into the picture? Does she live at home? She may have a family who tell her to get over it and get on with life. It's totally the wrong thing to say and makes people feel even more inadequate. She may be afraid or uncertain about going to the doctor alone and if the family do not offer support it can be scary.

Having said that I must also comment that refusal to get medical help is quite common.  It's part of the denial process and can be very strong. She may also have been to a psychologist in the past and had a less than positive experience. There are psychologists and psychiatrists who I believe should not be practicing.

So pleas get your information, talk gently but not too often to YG and let us know how you go.

Warm regards

LING

[John11]

Thank you very much for you answers I appreciate it really :),

The thing is she doesn't want help she completely refuses it she thinks that she can do it on her own .. I can't not talk to her on a daily basis that's not how we are we don't talk on a daily basis it's actually more of an hourly one so not talking for a day is almost impossible and would be really weird and her family are not supportive they're rather the "suck it up" kind which makes her worse normally .. I want to just make her better somehow but I just keep realising it doesn't work that way .. and one thing that's confusing me that she wasn't like that when we first dated she was rather bright and happy I don't know what it changed I can't figure that out .. and it's getting worse and worse when I think she's okay it's only a matter of minutes till she gets back .. and she has self harmed before a lot but she stopped a few years ago and the thing is its stressing me out the whole thing it's getting harder cause some of the stuff she says could make me feel bad but I just keep it in to not make her worse than she is .. Thank you guys so much for your help it's what I needed and sorry for the late reply I got busy 

[John11]

Hey guys again 

I just wanted to tell you all that I'm getting worse like it's seriously effecting me I feel shakey and out of focus and don't know what to do I really don't it's not fun.. 😞

Her name is Ana by the way

[geoff]

dear John, the situation here for yourself is now becoming a very serious and concerning matter, and no it's certainly no fun or enjoyment at all.

It's going to be hard for you and I know that you won't want to do this, but for your own health, you have to take a step back and get the help you need, because at the moment you won't be able to help Ana.

There are two issues here, you and then her, but she lives a long way away, and it's more than likely that she will stop any contact with you, which then means you need all the help that is available.

If she lived locally to you then it might be a different situation but she's not, and there's very little you can do by phone, text or email, because she may simply agree with you but then do the opposite, so you can't be sure on her movements.

Can I suggest that it's now important for you to contact your doctor, and the reason for this is because you're depressed and certainly feeling very anxious, and the more you go without any help the worse you will become, and that's what we don't want, because it's already beginning to spiral out of control.

When you are in a desperate situation please ring the BB line which is above, and also if you are having trouble with your doctor, and I'm saying that you are, but click under 'get support' at the top of this page, where there is a list of doctors who are aligned to deal with depression and also BB.

Please get back to us. Geoff.

[John11]

Geoff, I'm really grateful for your continuous support you've been a big help to me 🙂 .. but here's the thing I do not think I can get help cause I do not actually believe that I'm depressed myself cause I just don't have any of the symptoms and what I was experiencing is how I get when I'm really stressed or afraid of something and it's really rare to happen .. anyways I took your word and I'm taking a step back I told her that I would without being hurtful in anyway or actually using the term of taking a step ;-; she understands to an extent .. but the thing I still don't understand is what changed from when we first dated .. she had depression since 13 why did it show up now .. Thanks for your kindness and continues help ! 

[geoff]

dear John, OK point taken, just wondering if you have done the depression test, so just google 'anxiety and depression checklist (K10 )' for Beyond Blue.

You might not have full blown depression, which is great if you don't, but it could be simmering away, so please get back to us if you decide to do it.

It's good that you have taken a step back, and she can always contact you if she wants to. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Dear John,

Hi. I have only just noticed your post. By reading all that has been written by you and others, I see you are in a very difficult situation. Unfortunately depression is not an illness that has any pattern or rhythm that people can follow.  We sufferers of depression can be fine for months and then for no apparent reason can suddenly feel like our lives really suck. So for you to ask why your girlfriend is suddenly really depressed when she wasn't at the beginning of your relationship, might be just because it is so.

Maybe something in the relationship you both have has triggered something from her past, she might not even recognise what that trigger is yet. With Ana not following up with getting assistance with her depression, it really does make the situation difficult. Like others have mentioned, it is sometimes hard for a depressed person to go out and get the help they need.

I do agree with others John, that you do need to get some help and assistance for yourself, I have used the webchat service here at BB and it helped me. If you can learn ways to cope with Ana's behaviour and to greater understand how depression manifests itself, then you will have abetter knowledge of what is happening between you both.

Loving and caring for someone with depression can be very difficult and draining at times. You love Ana so much you don't want to see her hurting and it sounds like her depression is confusing you and making you feel stressed and anxious. So like Geoff mentioned, you will benefit from talking with someone yourself about how you feel. You also need to do something about the hurtful things Ana is saying to you, it is all part of depression unfortunately, we seem to lash out  at the people closest to us! Share your feelings here with all who care for you and also please seek some professional help for yourself so you can cope better.

Thinking of you both, from Dools