My partner is suffering

[Loulou1]

Hi,

My beautiful, loving, caring amazing partner is suffering & I believe it is from depression. I have googled and found that the signs point to yes.

My partner works away in the mines in a very demanding job, he is very high in the company and deals with a lot of stress and a massive work load.

In the last few months I have noticed him go down hill. Last year we left our home town with our friends and family and moved to be closer to his daughter, my gorgeous step daughter who has just turned 8. We brought a house & things were amazing, for awhile. The mother of his daughter decided to pack up and moved 1.5 from us, making it hard for us to have her, get her to school etc but we still did it.

He came home 2 swings ago and we decided that we would move back home and be able to see his daughter and spend more quality time with her on school holidays. This was meant to happen in Nov 16.

He came home from work 2 weeks ago, we went and had a beer, many beers, he then decided to tell me that he didn't want to have kids, didn't want to get married, he didn't know what he wanted, he is suffocating with work, he has 1000000 things going through his head, he has had several panic attacks in this period. He has cried, pushed me away, told me he loves me, ignored me, hurt me. He is such an amazing man, I have never seen him like this before.

i told him I'm not giving up, I'm going to fight for him and our future.

he went back to work asked me for space which kills me, not to be able to talk to him and to know if he is okay. I get a message maybe once a day.

i decided that I need to do something, so our best friends are on the first flight here when he returns from home, to help me get him to a doctor and help him not throw away his life.

I am worried how he will react to this, I know it will be a long and hard road but I need to think of the positives.

I hope I am doing the right thing. I have asked him are you depressed and he said no, I said do you even know what it means, and there was no reply.

He hasn't had the best family upbringing either so this affects him. Everything has just got on top of him in the last few months and I need to save him and our life.

Thanks for listening

[Kathryne]

Hi and welcome to Beyond Blue

My husband was depressed for 10 years before I could get him to admit that he was depressed. 6 years on he believes it's anxiety not depression.

Whatever the label, he didn't and couldn't function at his normal level.

It's hard being supportive whilst watching your loved one fall to pieces.

Reading your post the "I don't want children" is probably a direct reaction to the limited time with his daughter and he doesn't want to face those issues with your child/children.

Childhood can effects the way you develop relationship s in adulthood.

If he has a good relationship with the friends if may help, however it could also backfire. Because he will be embarrassed by the fact that you have discussed personal information with friends.

Personally I discussed with professional people who were bound by confidentiality laws. I don't think my husband would have accepted help if his friends had been involved. He eventually discussed the issues with his mates,14 years after I first felt he was depressed.

Don't give up it will be worth working together to create a new relationship with you both.

Regards Kathryne

[Carmela]

Hi Loulou1, it is wonderful that you are so supportive and caring of your partner. I would have to agree with Kathryne on the matter of arranging friends to help out. It can backfire. Be sure that its not all about his mental illness and tread lightly with the conversation.

The point you make about saving - unfortunately we cannot save our partners. We can support and love them. Depression is not yours to fix. Be careful not to bombard him with questions on his mental health or put pressure on him to address it. It has to be done on his time and terms. He will only push you away further if you put the pressure on.

Hang in there LouLou. It's a difficult road but patience is key.

Carmela

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Hi Loulou1,

Your story is so similar to mine, reading your post actually gave me the courage to post my own story/thoughts - Thank you.

I don't have enough experience to offer you any advice I'm sorry, but I would like to offer you my support.

Thinking of you. Stay strong, that's all we can do x

[geoff]

hi Loulou, our heart drops when our partner becomes depressed because it's not only a shock, but it saddens us to the point where you think it is because of you, but this certainly may not be the situation at all as there could be so many other reasons known or unknown.
By him asking 'for space' is what usually happens when depression takes over because he needs to think and especially doesn't want to be asked question after question because he has no answers, because at the moment he is trying to figure out why he is feeling this way, sure his workload and stress doesn't help him, but it's justs another burden added onto what ever else is troubling him and this also includes making it much harder for him to see his 8 year old daughter by his previous partner.
I was in the same situation as your partner wanted space, didn't want to talk to anyone, not even friends or family, what could I say to their continous question 'why do feel like this', because I had no idea, plus I was in denial which didn't help, so it annoyed me to be asked these questions, which could have pushed me into denial, so all I wanted was support and love and nothing else.
His friends may want to help him but by wanting 'space' that's perhaps what he doesn't want at the moment.
The struggle might be to get him to his doctor so I do hope that this can happen, and then the ball will start rolling, but realise that he has told you that he does love you, just as you do for you. L Geoff. x