Hi G,
I have a response but you might not like it. Hope you see it from the side I see it.
Your son has invited you over for dinner- very good. This is better than just going over for a cup of tea. It's longer than that, much longer, providing there isnt an upset. Sure yo'd love your grand daughter alone but that is your desire and seeing her and playing with her etc is and should be- your focus.
You say- "his house, his rules, his plans" well they are, because it is his house, his rules, his plans and she is his daughter. When you were a parent of a young child- that child was your child and your house and your plans. I honestly do not see where legally nor in terms of authority a grandparent fits into a grandchilds life.
In my view (and we are entitled to our view) a grandparent is there to love their grandchild, give affection, guide but dont direct, inform but subtlety educate, care for when offered BUT never expect x,y,z from their son/daughter when it comes to fulfilling their own quota of what they want.
I've seen grandparents ostracised from their grandchildren for various reasons- because they interfere, manipulate, smother, and go against the wishes of the parents. Some lack consultation.
I dont know your situation fully but calling your son a narcissist means to me that you have categorised him as controlling to the max, and I recall your previous thread. You have an uphill battle because if you do not fit into the above conservative role I painted then you may well be cut off form your grandchild forever.
The result will be devastating and likely permanent.So what can you do?
You must commence a long term plan of gaining trust.
1/ See things from his viewpoint. Accept that his views are his alone and he has a right to have them.
2/ Accept that a parents role is very different to a grandparents role.Accept that if you go over the line of a doting loving grandparent you might lose contact with your grandchild. Ask yourself if that is worth it.
3/ Your son is (according to your judgement) a controlling person. He may well be. However make up your mind if you intend to help your son solve his problems. I might point out now that few people if any are jailed or detained for being of a narcissistic personality. You may not like this side to your son but he has his reasons and he doesnt need to justify them to you. As long as his actions are legal.
4/ Focus your future on assisting your family. In any way you can. By swimming against the tide you will lose out.
