My husbands self destruction

[Astar3003]

My husband of 13 years has recently hit the self destruct button on our relationship in a bid to make me hate him so that I will leave him and he can commit suicide.  He has suffered with depression and anxiety for the last 12 years and has tried to commit suicide several times.  

He has been texting and seeing 2 different women, I found out about woman 1 and confronted him about it, this pushed him to leave overnight where he found consolation in the arms of woman 2.  He eventually came home to me, and as I didn't know where he had spent the night at the time, I welcomed him with open arms believing the lies he spun me.  I found out later that day and again confronted him about woman 2.  It ended with me storming out and going for a drive.  He called and text me until finally telling me that he was going to "end it all - Goodbye".  I came flying home in time and got him off to sleep eventually.  

His plan was for me to go away for a few days so that he could kill himself before I got home.  He says that he wants to be with me but he has "no feelings" at the moment.  He hates to hurt me and he just thinks I would be better off without him.  I love him very much and am willing to do whatever it takes to get him help and get our marriage back on track but i can't seem to get through to him.  

On the flip side of this I am unable to have children and am still processing this news and the fact that my husband has been distant and taking me for granted for the last 6 months.  I just don't know what to do from here, everything seems such a mess!  He is currently staying with friends deciding if he wants to carry on our marriage and I am at home sick with worry.  

If there is anyone out there with depression that can shine any light on these kind of actions I would appreciate your advice.  I just don't know what to do to help him.

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[Neil_1]

Hi Astar

Firstly, I would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to say "Well done" to you on coming here and posting your thread.  As a result of this, I hope that between a few of us, we might be able to provide you with some hopefully helpful advice to both you and your husband.

Some huge issues are going on here and thank you for being brave enough to post them out.

My first suggestion/advice is for you to get your husband to get to a GP NOW - he needs an appointment straight away - he's got very real suicidal tendancies and the fact that he's spoken so openly about them is an extreme worry.

Question:  do you have a GP who you feel is a "good one"?  I only ask this because on this website, Beyond Blue have listed a whole host of GP's, where you can do a search and you should hopefully find one or more that are in your local area.  The thing about these GP's are that they are fully qualified to deal with mental health issues/suicidal thoughts/tendancies as well.  From there they will be able to assess your husband and progress matters further to appropriate psychologists/psychiatrists and no doubt, medication to help him.

I guess that leads me to where you said he's suffered from this for 12 years - has he been seeing anyone professional about this - GP's, psyches, etc?

Once these initial appointments have been made and attended, look I know I'm probably supplying too much here, but I'm just very concerned about your situation, and I'm just throwing in another thought/suggestion.

Just while reading your post, another thing was going off in my head - "Relationships Australia" - they are a marriage/partnership guidance counselling service.  I was going to say that they have excellent counsellors on staff to assist with such issues/matters - but then I guess it all does depend on which one you get.  But that's the gamble with going to any psych or counsellor the first time.

But the feeling I gain is that you are very much "in love" with your husband and as you said, you'd be willing to do whatever it takes to get him and your marriage back on track.

The BIG question I have now is:   Do you feel your husband feels exactly the same way as you??

I can see positives from where he's said that he wants to be with you and that he hates to see you hurt because of his actions - but then he counters that with at present he has no feelings.

Astar, I'll leave it at that for the time being - I hope I haven't over-stepped with anything that I've said and I do hope that I've provided even just a small thing to help you at this time.

It would be great to also hear back from you.

Please take care,

Neil

[Astar3003]

Thanks Neil.

He has seen numerous Dr's, councellors,  psyches and we do have a good GP. We have some excellent resources where we are.  He is refusing to see anyone at the moment but the people he is staying with are aware of the situation and he has friends that are "in the know" and are supporting him.  We have been messaging each other since he has been away and slowly working through some of our issues.  He has spoken openly to me about the suicide threat and said it was more to make sure I came home to him than to actually do it.  

I asked him about relationship councelling and he isn't ready at the moment he says.  I think it is because he will have to look at himself as well as our issues.  I asked him if he was considering not coming back because it was going to be too hard - ie, earning my trust again, addressing our issues as well as his depression etc.  He said that was basically it.  I'm just worried he will go off with this other woman because it seems like the "easy" way out and he will still be depressed and things will only get worse.  Maybe that is part of the appeal, that she doesn't know all of his history.

He says he loves me and misses me, I'm starting to doubt that he thinks I'm worth it enough to put in the hard yards.  I just don't know how much of it is depression and how much of it is a 13 year old marriage that only one of us is in.

I have spoken to a mutual friend of ours who is talking to him as I write this, I'm hoping that he can get through to him.

[Neil_1]

Hi Astar

Thank you so much for responding back and thank you for providing again a really in depth post about how things are going.

I can't imagine how difficult this would be for you right now - but gee, it sounds like you're covering all the bases and the messaging between you and your husband over recent times has been a positive thing - I think.  In that he's still chatting with you and you're posing different thoughts/questions to him, which is really good.

Also very good that he's got friends who he's staying with who are very aware of the situation - so at least you can rest easy that he's going to be "ok" and not do something terrible - which is still a bit of a worry, or do you feel that episode has passed for the time being?

I get you so much with how you describe this 'other woman' issue - that he'll think it's much easier and all things are rosier there, yada yada yada, BUT, at the end of the day, the week or the month, she'll soon realise that he's got mental baggage and that would no doubt turn around to bite him.

Great again to hear that he loves and misses you - but it does sound to me that at this moment, you're the only one fighting for this - am I right with that?

At this point I guess you're very keen to hear back from your mutual friend to see what they've been able to find out?

And I still think the relationship counselling is needed - because he DOES need to look at himself and he does need to address any issues that are there - in sickness and in health, for better or for worse - isn't that how it goes.

I'm here for you Astar - please hang in there.

Kind regards

Neil

[Astar3003]

Hi Neil

Thanks for replying to me, it makes a difference to know that I am not alone and understood!

I met my husband for lunch yesterday and he asked to come home that night.  He is back at work now, which is good to keep him busy, I just hope that it won't become too much for him.  He has a possible promotion in the next few weeks, I don't know what to think of that at the moment.  I'm making that a "future us" problem at the moment.

He says that he wants to come back for me so that we can make things work and has definitely ended one relationship, but the other he says he should let "fizzle out", as it is with a person who will see him at work.  I'm not comfortable with this but the more I talk about it the more agitated he gets and I think I am just going to have to wait and see what happens.  It's not an ideal situation but his anxiety is at a high and his mood quite low, so I don't feel that I can "rock the boat" too much.  This is the most frustrating thing that I find in our relationship, not just now but in all our years together.  I feel that I put his emotions before my own and end up squashing my feelings so I don't upset him.  I wonder if most partner/carers find this happens?

I have spoken to his 2 closest friends frankly about what he has been through over the years and more recently, if he is going to confide anything to anyone it will be to one of these friends.  I feel that I have betrayed him somewhat in telling them details of our situation however I am worried that by this stage in the "process" I can usually get him to the Dr's and under a care plan.  This time feels different to me and he is not coming back to me emotionally yet.  I thought that if I spoke to his closest friends they would have an idea of where he is coming from and not brush off any comments he makes but urge him to seek help either on his own or with me.  I hope that I have made the correct decision with that.

It is still a stressful time, but I feel much better knowing he is under the same roof as me and that he has the support of friends.  At least I know that he is sleeping and eating properly, he is on his meds at regular times and I can be there for the inevitable panic attacks as they come.  

I fear that the road to recovery will be longer than ever this time. And you are correct, relationship counselling will be in order along with his private appointments.

Thanks for listening Neil, I have always written a journal so that I have an outlet for my feelings and thoughts but I have found your responses helpful and they have given me a bit of strength back.  I have decided to seek counselling for myself too, to work through my infertility issues and I think this will only help both of us.

[Neil_1]

Hi Astar

Ok, so it’s gently as she goes at this point in time – but very pleasing signs all the same.  Stressful yes and may even feel like when you’ve just put a baby to sleep after a fair fight to get them to sleep and then you slowly tip-toe out of the room so as not to wake again or disturb again – kind of going ever so slowly and tip-toeing and hoping like crazy that your foot doesn’t land on ‘that’ squeaky floorboard.  You make it to the door and out and then realise, ‘oh shoot, I’d better let that breathe out now”!!  

Please don’t think about or beat yourself up about you possibly betraying him because of you talking to friends – take a step back and then ask yourself who has betrayed who more here?  

So when you say that this time feels different – is he not in the mindset yet for getting to a Dr for professional assistance yet?  Although he is on his meds, so yes he must have been?  I’m sorry, I’m possibly not reading your posts well enough.

Astar, yes, this will be a long road to recovery – for BOTH of you – but working together with outside professional assistance and guidance I so hope that things will in the long run work out for you both. 

And hey, you know where we are and if you feel this is still something you’d like to post about, I would really love to hear from you.

Kind regards

Neil