My husband tried to end it, I'm not sure what to do now

[EllaBean]

My husband recently had a medical event which on its face liked unfortunate or to have a random cause. I found him, called an ambulance and he was treated and all was ok. I thought, though I did have my suspicions. After the event I gently brought up my suspicions and he assured me it wasn't the case.

Now, a few weeks later, he's admitted it was intentional. I'm so lost with what to do. 

Because the hospital believed him, he didn't get an MH support or referrals. We're in a new city and he doesn't have a GP yet. We've called around a few psychs, and they have epic waiting lists. He's reluctant to speak to someone, he has trouble opening up. 

As for me, I'm terrified to leave him alone. He's promised it will never happen again, but he swore it didn't happen in the first place, and that wasn't true. I've never been so scared in my life. And I know it's selfish, but I'm trying really really hard not to think about the fact that he tried to leave like that. That he did it in a way that meant I'd find him. 

I also think he's sorry I found him in time. I'm so scared that the guilt of what that did to me is a new burden on top of the already crushing ones he's under. 

I'm looking into a therapist for me. God knows I'm looking into help for him. But this whole situation just seems so unfathomable. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Interesting to read from anothers point of view as I have also been in the same situation as your husband. The last time was last xmas but my wife and I turned it all around by applying for 10 free psychologist visits of which you two can also apply for. It turned out in this case that apart from bipolar I likely have high functioning autism which has certain symptoms and now we both have a far better understanding of my conditions. 

So, any marital issues that are ongoing or unresolved could add onto an already fragile mind. It's great if he can find a therapist or similar to get help but it is highly beneficial if you are involved and present because that would be a method of divulging any other issues that can be triggers to his actions. 

The fact that he did it in a "way that I'd find him" IMO is probably a good thing, its a cry for help not a way to punish you. His later admission that it was indeed intentional is a sign of finding trust in you again which is also a very good sign and something that you ought to be proud about, he has obviously recognised that you care about him. 

So while waiting for medical staff to book you in what else can you do?

My wife also has depression so we bounce off each other all the time. Daily or more often we ask how the other person is travelling and if they can help out. A couple of times a week we go out even just for coffee alone (we are retired but have 2 mini foxy's). 

I think by writing your post and displaying the high level of concern along with the care is proof to yourself that you are reaching out to him. Prevention is better than cure so one day down the track you'll stumble on the topic of that day and maybe you'll say something like my wife did "well we are much happier now and that wont happen again will it" as she points her fingers into my ribs and we both laugh. 

"Men act like we dont need help, care, hugs and calm chats... when all along that exactly whats always on the top of our invisible shopping list"

Reply anytime 

TonyWK

[Whatsinaname]

Hi EllaBean,

Unfortunately I don't have much to add onto what WK has said, I mainly wanted to comment to commend WK on being so open and insightful. That has got have taken courage.

[GoodIntentions]

Hi EllaBean,

I read your post and felt compelled to sign-up and respond to you.

I had been in a similar situation with my wife at the time. I was (still is) depressed for several years and I confessed to my wife that I had desires to end my life. It put a lot of strain on her and the relationship. She too was scared occasionally that I would end my life when I was alone, despite me assuring her that I'd get everything in order before I go so she didn't have to find me or deal with much when I go.

I know you're scared, but so is he. If you truly love each other, you both need to communicate in an open and honest manner about this subject. For me, thinking about the reverse gave me another perspective. How would he feel if you were to end your life? If you can describe to him (in great detail), the emotions/feelings that you experience when you think about him not being here anymore, he might realise just how much he means to you (and vice versa). He might realise that maybe life is worth living when he has love and support behind him. Encourage him to open up and that there is no shame to the emotions/feelings that he's experiencing.

I have been fortunate enough to get into a therapist in a relatively short amount of time after seeking a mental health care plan. If you're unable to get in to see therapists (for both of you) in the near future, I'd recommend self-help in the interim. Research the information that's online to make sure you're informed about this subject and begin making adjustments to move your lives in the direction you want to go (very small steps).

I recently read The Mindful Way Through Depression by Mark Williams et al. It has helped me quite a bit in relating to my emotions/feelings and how my brain works. I would recommend this book for your situation. I'm also reading further depression self-help books if you'd like further recommendations.