My husband says he's depressed, but won't get help.

[jela0612]

Hello, I'm hoping someone can help me here.

My husband and I have been married for only 18 months, but in the last few months his behaviour has changed dramatically. He hates his job (not actually what he does but just the pressure of it and the culture) and says he is stressed about his weight and money. I am a very emotional person so as soon as he is feeling down I react. We recently spent an entire weekend of me trying to get him to talk to me, him refusing to, me telling him how much I loved him and wanted him to love me back, him not responding, me crying uncontrollably. And just repeating that. I don't know what to do! I haven't talked to anyone about this, so far have covered it up from both our families.

He went on some anti depressants a few months ago and he says they ruined his job because they made him too relaxed and not focused. He refuses to talk to anyone, and he won't even talk to me because he believes talking doesn't do anything to help. When we're both very frustrated he says things to me that make me feel even more that he doesn't love me the way I love him. I try to push them aside because more than anything I just want us to be happy and how we were before and I apologise for overreacting and ask if we can just make up - this used to work but now it doesn't because he says he knows it'll just happen again. I just want him to feel something for me! I am trying to forgive all the negative things I'm feeling and I want to just be there and be a support to him and help him but he's just shutting everyone out, mostly me. What do I do? I know if I try to bring up real issues he just goes into self destruction and says he knows he's a failure and doesn't need me to tell him, but when I try to be supportive and just caring he says he's not a baby and doesn't need to be handled like one.

His way of coping is by getting very angry but my way is by crying, but my crying aggravates him SO much - he cannot stand it. I'm so worried for us, for him - he's told me he's suicidal. This is not who he is, he's a funny, motivated, driven, very intelligent guy and it's just a combination of his job, finances and weight (he's not even overweight - just a fitness fanatic) that has led him to be like this. Does this sound like depression? Or is it just a really stressful period? What's the best thing I can do for him? Because I've told him that I care and that's why I'm so emotional but he doesn't believe I really care which breaks my heart.

[smallwolf]

jela0612,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.

In my reply I want you to know that I and many of the other users here are not professional counselors. We are just people like you or your husband.

You asked whether this sounds like depression. It could be. It could also be a stressful period. It could also be anxiety or combination thereof. My initial thought was for you to talk to your husband about this, but it seems that you have already tried that. With that said some other ideas for the conversation can be found here...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talking-to-someone-you-are-worried-about

On him not talking... I still struggle talking to me wife about my issues, because I have all these thoughts running around in my head, that I don't know where to start. And not wanting it come out all crazy like, or disjointed. Sort of like a Billy Connolly concert gone bad. But I can write these thoughts down in a email and send it to her. So I am wondering whether his inability to talk to you is related to that.

From your perspective, which phase do think your husband is in - Unaware, Denial, Resistance, Starts and Stops, or Acceptance? Depending on where he is, different conversations can be had.

Lastly, if he is suicidal, then professional help should be looked into. And he would/should also find a list of reasons to live and have a safety plan. Mine live on my phone along with other distraction and coping tools.

I know this is a tough period for you (both), but also try to be patient, with yourself and your husband.

Tim

[Winterfell]

This is very difficult if he is refusing to talk to anyone. I would be concerned on the basis of a few things you have mentioned. You should definitely seek professional help when someone is expressing suicidal ideas. My husband was very functional and continued with work and exercise but hit the wall ending up with severe depression and very suicidal. Would he consider relationship counselling - it might be a safe space to communicate.

[Ronniefm]

Hi Jela Its obvious your husband isn't happy, so could you ask him if he wants to go on like this, or make the simple step of deciding to talk to someone. Show him testimonials of people who have recovered from similar situations. Tell him there is a solution, but he needs to agree there is something wrong with his thinking. Tell him happiness and a new life is waiting for him. But he must open his heart.