My husband or my children

lifes-adventures · ‎07-02-2016

My husband is depressed - he hasn't been to a doctor about it yet (or he claims he did and they brushed him off but I have doubts about that one, paid in cash so there is no record etc etc) but we have done a lot to try and help. I've been with him 5 years and in that time I've cleaned up his diet (and gotten him off blood pressure meds in the process), got him under regular chiropractic care, tried to get him exercising, all the usual lifestyle type changes. It's gotten worse not better. We have two beautiful boys together who are 1 and 2 years old. They haven't been easy, my first was a horrific birth where he helped them physically pin me down against my will among other forms of abuse instead of being there for me and I know I have a lot of resentment for that but i'm working on it and it showed me the kind of man he really is (or isn't). Our oldest also has a shoulder condition that causes him pain (which in turn causes lack of sleep and therefore shocking behaviour and a lot of violence). He will finally be getting an MRI and hopefully a diagnosis in the next few weeks (in spite of my pushing and pushing since his birth). Our younger boy had some lung issues which required almost 2 weeks in hospital including time in special care and being transferred twice to larger hospitals, eventually the kids hospital (he is fine, was completely signed off at around a year old). The point is that I get they have been above average on the stress scale, but i'm the stay at home parent, i'm the one who has to deal with all the specialists and chasing it all up, all the behaviours through the day etc and I try to minimise the impact on my husband as much as possible. I do all the night waking for both kids 100% of the time, the number of times he has had them can be counted on one hand and consist solely of driving around to keep them quiet. Hubby is away working at present and I hadn't realised how much extra work he adds for me picking up after him, walking on eggshells, trying to keep kids quiet (he has been gone for two months straight now and isn't sure if he wants us to join him or not). I love him and want to help but this can't be good for the kids either, I don't know where to head to from here, its so much work and I don't know how long I can keep it all going without letting something slip - choosing between your husband and kids is no choice, there has to be another way

Crygirl87 · ‎07-02-2016

Hi. I just wanted you to know that I think you have been really strong and I admire you. You can't force him to get help but you have tried and sometimes that is all you can do. It is up to the depressed person to acknowledge they need help and then you will have a chance. Keep trying to get him to see a psychiatrist. Good luck.

Guest_1695 · ‎07-02-2016

Hi Life's Adventures,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope you are able to find the help and support you need right now. You wrote that your husband has been away for a couple of months, is that usual for him to be away so long?
Do you have help and support around you? Do you and the children attend some kind of Mother's and Children's group, or a Playgroup where you can chat with other parents?

Have you considered phoning the people here at Beyond Blue? I have used their support services and find the people to be very caring and helpful. They have a lot of information here on this site as well.

It may help you to read up on depression, how to understand it and how to help people suffering from depression. I am not suggesting that you need to do this as you have a problem, but for me, the more I understand something, the better I feel about it.

I suffer from depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. My husband has been reading about the BPD and now better understands what makes me tick. We were able to sit down together and talk about the info he had found on BPD.

I did not like having to face and confront the issue, but knew that if we were to have a better relationship then I needed to consider how I reacted around others.

I've wandered off track a little! Look for supports for yourself and your children and find things you enjoy doing with your children and by yourself.

Cheers, from Topsy

pipsy · ‎07-02-2016

Hi lifes-adventures. My first thought on reading your post was, why did you take him off the blood pressure meds? If he has blood pressure (high or low) he should be taking the appropriate medication. As crygirl says you've tried everything to no avail. If he is happy the way he is, you have to make a rather painful decision. Can you live with him as he is. You can't change him, he has to want to change, if he doesn't, all you can do is invite him to be part of the family he helped create. Everything you have done, you've chosen to do because you love the children and your hubby. Your hubby doesn't seem to want to be part of the family, if he did wild horse wouldn't keep him away. Perhaps , as the kids get older, hubby might want to be more involved. They need their mum more than their dad at the moment, they're baby's. Men quite often feel useless and inadequate when it comes to baby's. Baby's can be like 'aliens' to father's when there's little contact, either by choice or if the father is unable to be there as much as the mother. Next time you're talking to hubby, ask him straight out if he wants to be part of the family. Tell him you love him and want and need him, so do the kids. Try integrating him slowly with the kids, share the work load when you can. Maybe he needs 'teaching' how to be a father. I said in a previous post, parenting doesn't always come as naturally to some as it does others.

Good luck.

lifes-adventures · ‎07-02-2016

Hi Topsy, no its not normal for him to be away so long...I guess that is partly what I was trying to ramble my way towards lol I hadn't realised how much his issues and lack of ability to deal with them was bringing the whole household down, since he has been gone the kids are better behaved, the oldest sleeps in his own bed, i'm fitter and healthier, the housework is more under control. I take the kids out a lot so we do playgroup, music group, library, park etc. I have also just started the younger one on one day a week daycare (older boy does two days) so that I can have one day a week to do shopping, cleaning, meal prep etc, which has been crazy helpful and something I really needed. I have read everything I can get my hands on, i'm big on education, it is the only way I have been able to fight the system and get my older boy the help he needs...but I need my husband to take the big steps here and actually get some help himself, it's not something I can do for him and I guess I struggle with that. He knows he needs to but just keeps going oh you deserve better you can leave....which isn't the point, the point is for him to get the help he needs for our family to be a family rather then take the easy way out and have me leave so he can just keep blaming others for everything he perceives to be wrong with his life. That sounds really harsh, but until he is ready to actually take that step it's just the frustrating cycle of trying my very hardest to be empathetic (and i'm naturally not, i'm a say it like it is and suck it up kinda person lol) and keep juggling everything all by myself. I have my dad nearby at the moment which is great, but he has some health issues himself so I can't leave the kids with him or anything like that, I literally take care of everyone 24/7, or I did until I started this one day a week of daycare 4 weeks ago haha. I won't have family once we move though, we are supposed to join him in SA (we are in QLD) when he decides he wants us there, which at present he isn't sure he does. I guess it is just a waiting game and patience isn't my strong point haha

lifes-adventures · ‎07-02-2016

Hi pipsy. I didn't take him off the meds, blood pressure runs in his family but can be controlled with appropriate diet and exercise measures in many cases, I helped him get it under control so the meds were no longer necessary. It gets checked at intervals to ensure it is still under control 🙂 I have asked him to be involved, explained I needed help....his version of helping is to bang a few pots and pans around while doing everything in his power to make you feel like you should have already done this without actually coming right out and saying it lol. I have tried to teach him how to be with the kids and he has tried and is a little better then he first was but he just goes back to the too tired, or my back is too sore etc which I am thinking is just him being too depressed to want to accept the open adoration that children give. It's not that he doesn't want the kids and me, he can say the right words, he just can't bring himself to be present and fight for what he wants. I guess i'm just feeling sorry for myself, sometimes its like being a single parent with an extra teenager in place of a husband but without the power to make the changes you would if it was your child because he is an adult and needs to do that for himself

pipsy · ‎07-02-2016

Hi lifes-adventures. You seem to have answered your own questions about what you want from life. As you pointed out, life seem smoother without hubby there. You have the kids in a routine, you have the house running smoothly. If you decide to reconcile with hubby, it means returning to previous situation. You're going to have to decide if that's what you want. You don't have to wait till he decides what he wants. You have needs you feel he can't meet, whether he wants to or not is not the issue. The actual issue is basically, what do you want, what does he want. I feel you need to maybe write down the pro's and cons of reconciliation or staying as you are. If your love can 'conquer' your problems of living with a teenager (your words), then, I guess you know the answer. Once you have worked out how you feel, what you want, have a talk with hubby, lay it on the line. Go from there. It's your call from then on.

If you need help or guidance, remember BB is here 24/7.

lifes-adventures · ‎07-02-2016

pipsy I don't mean this to sound rude but I find you rather lacking in empathy the way you come across on screen. My husband is away working through necessity not choice. We are discussing if we will join him in the short term or slightly longer term you are correct but we can't be together right now as we need my son to be in one state for his MRI in a couple of weeks and my husband to be in another for work purposes - we are not separated in terms of our marriage and I have not forsaken him and do not require reconciliation. Yes we have a tough road and it feels like I am having to choose but that doesn't mean I am going to walk out on my husband just to make my life easier. I want to help him and in turn thought that the people on here might have the empathy and support to help me. I am not meaning to sound rude but the way you come across makes me feel 100 times worse, like I have somehow made the people on this community think that I am just throwing away my marriage for a better life without my husband - perhaps you have never taken marriage vows or found a person you truly love and therefore don't understand how gut wrenching it is to try and help and not be able to and to know the harm not being able to is doing to the other members of your family. Perhaps you don't understand that not being with my husband would be as hard as being with him and the choice is not a real choice. Perhaps I didn't explain well and that is why you come across as so harsh, I do apologise, my intention was not to make people think that I am at all blaming my husband. The abuse he puts us through is not his fault, I absolutely blame the disease not the man and had thought this was a safe place to vent. I do hope others are not getting the same impression that you seem to have 😞

pipsy · ‎07-02-2016

Hey, hey, hey. Go easy. I wasn't implying anything. You seem to be blaming me for the situation you're in with hubby. If he is ill, he needs help. You also need support for the position you're in. You were the one who said (correct me if I'm wrong) everything seem to be running smoothly in his absence. I never made those comments, how could I? You were the one who also said it was like having a teenager when hubby is there. I do feel sorry for you actually. Yes, I take do marriage very seriously, but I know that it takes two to make a relationship work. If you both want the marriage to work, you have to pull together and talk. Whatever the abuse is it has to be addressed before everything you're both working for is lost. Have you ever thought about suggesting counselling or visiting a Dr to see about what is causing his illness. Have you taken anything Topsy Turvy has suggested on board, like playgroup for the kids. I have been through very hard times in my life, more than you could imagine. Perhaps a change of work for him might help, have you discussed this with him? All I can go on is what you say, you did indicate you were having second thoughts about joining him. I just said think about what you want and what hubby wants. Both of you need support. I do know with marriage, quite often you have to compromise. Is his job causing him stress, with high blood pressure stress in the workplace won't help.

lifes-adventures · ‎07-02-2016

I am most certainly not blaming you for my issues with my husband, what an insensitive, unconstructive and frankly rather rude thing to say! I do take great offence to that one, especially after I tried very hard to find the right words in my last post to let you know how you were coming across to me and making me feel without (I did try very hard not to be) being rude to you. Also, you seem to just go about making sure you have your say without really reading the posts. If you had you would have read that the kids and I go to several playgroups, story times etc each week and the younger has just started a day a week of daycare as well to give me one day a week to do housework etc. You would also know that I am not in doubt about joining my husband, he is doubting if he wants us down there, not feeling like he is good enough etc. You would also have read that I have been trying to get him to see a GP. I have since gotten him to agree to see a GP next time he is home if I go with him. He is away working specifically to change his job and hrs etc. We have the blood pressure under control, if you had read above you would know that we are well on top of that one and the causes and triggers. I do hope you have been a little more thorough in your reading before offering advice to others. Perhaps it is a personality clash but I find your comments to be very blunt and rather insensitive (which can happen often on screen when i'm sure it is not intended, but as such I feel you should know as this is really not a good thing in what is supposed to be a support forum).