Hi diDee2010
I feel for you so much as you try so hard to figure out how to manage what sounds like a somewhat soul destroying relationship. From my own experience, this would have to be one of the tougher challenges in life, that's for sure.
Tony mentions a couple of factors that I can relate to...
- What's in a person's nature? Has your husband always thought, behaved and felt in certain ways? Have you always thought, behaved and felt in certain ways? Is one of you more inclined to change your ways if need be and the other is fixed in their ways? For the person who isn't willing to develop or change their nature, there is a sense of ease and comfort in not changing. For the person who thinks a certain way yet goes on to develop a more open mind, their nature evolves. For the person who becomes more conscious of their behaviours and modifies them, their nature evolves. For the person who feels deeply and easily/is sensitive to all they feel, when they develop their ability to feel or sense in certain ways their nature evolves. While the person who seeks ease in no change remains the same, the one who changes evolves through significant challenges. As one develops and evolves through challenge, the paths naturally begin to separate toward a complete separation
- It was some years back when I went to relationship counseling. I went on my own, as my husband didn't want to go. What I learned about a healthy relationship, including the relationship I needed to have with myself, was significant. It helped open my mind to why I'd become so sad and angry, how much my self esteem had actually diminished over the years (while in 'people pleasing' mode in my marriage), how I'd lost a sense of self entitlement and the list of things I was led to become more conscious of continues. With the self entitlement factor, that would relate to you being entitled to live in a house where you're not swatting flies and being bitten my mosquitoes, based on the task of shutting the screen door, and an entitlement to voice how upset you feel in a deeply depressing situation. Btw, not sure if it's possible to install a self closing mechanism on the screen door, to save stress, but it may be worth considering. At the end of the day, I found relationship counseling helped me develop as a person and become more demanding. I still remember the words of the counselor, 'What leads you to believe you're not entitled to simple entitlements?'. A good question that led to a change in my belief systems and how I saw myself. Counseling itself may help you make a decision regarding the marriage
A 3rd factor and a highly significant one is the involvement of alcohol. I've learned a lot when it comes to living with a drinker. The key thing I've learned is you're living with 2 very different people, rolled into one. May sound strange but neither one is fully conscious of the other. The sober partner is not fully conscious of exactly what they're like when they're drunk and the non sober partner is basically...well...not fully conscious, full stop. The 2 are managed very differently, based on the way they think, behave and feel. I have developed a zero tolerance policy when it comes to dealing with a non sober husband, something that's saved my sanity. If I can't tolerate being around him, I find plenty of other things to do. In other words, I get on with my life instead of being upset or trying to reason with an unreasonable person. Took me many years to learn this.
I can relate to the fear of managing financially on my own, a fear that developed when my kids were much younger and were fully dependent financially. In some ways it's easier to stay together and in other ways it's harder. Either way can be managed. The question is 'Do you want to manage staying together or could you see yourself happily managing living separately, with some lifestyle modifications?'. I suppose you could say this is a 'fork in the path' decision. Which path do you want or need to manage at this time in your life? Do you have people in your life who could lead you to a vision of what either path needs to look like, in order to best serve you? Perhaps the visionary or seer will turn out to be the relationship counselor. Wishing you only the best, something you deserve. ❤️
