My boyfriend has depression

[Toya]

Hi , so I have being with my partner for 6 years we have kids together and in the last month I have notice big changes in this behaviour, from having a happy and honest and trust worthy relationship to him not wanting to be around me or even talk or touch me anymore I started thinking he was cheating on me! so as a concerned gf I asked him if he was seening someone else?he had told me "there's no other women that makes him happy but me" and I was happy with that answer, but then I started to see a lot of changes, he would leave at night and not come home till early morning which was out of character, which made me think even more that there was someone else, the more and more I nagged him about cheating the more he started getting depressed, I didn't know the sign then but after reading about depression i started putting pieces to the puzzle. His behaviour went from a loving father supportive partner and a real social person, good guy all round, to not wanting to be around me and the kids , didn't like to be round me was getting really aggressive, self harm thoughts and emotion levels were every where, from didn't know what he wanted to he wanted me and the kids and work things out. From putting my hopes up that we had a chance of our love to changing his mind that same night wanting to end things. It's being a roll coaster that I don't even know where I stand with him right now ??

in these last few days his slowly starting to talk to me which I'm happy about, I really do want to help him as his the love of my life and it hurt seeing him go through this and I can't do anything about it but be there. I give him a site on depression to read through but he hasn't really said anything about it so I'm not sure if it was a good thing or not. I have mentioned about going to a doctor and again he just sat there looking into the thin air. It's sooo hard to communicate with him and I understand it takes time, think I'm just looking for advice or suggestions to how I can help him without pushing him away, I miss the old him and the kids are starting to notice his absent now. Please any advice would be much appreciated. 


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[Elea]

Hi Toya

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job already. I think your partner just needs to feel that he isn't dealing with this alone, that you're there by his side. Maybe you could offer to go with him to talk to his GP? It can be really intimidating talking to a doctor about your mental health, especially when you aren't really sure yourself what's going on. Even calling to make an appointment for him and accompanying him there might be the push he needs to get help. 

All the best, Elea 

[PatT]

Hi Toya,

I'm sure you've heard the expression "you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves." This pretty much applies to your husband right now. He may be dealing with whatever he is but unless he really wants to commit to change then there's little you can do to force him. The best you can do is support him and encourage him to speak to someone.

In addition you could probably do with seeking out some support for yourself. It sounds like quite a difficult period you're going through at the moment and you're in no position to support him if you aren't getting the help you need. Maybe speak to your GP about getting some counselling. You need support in difficult times and a psych might be able to provide that support through strategies and maybe even help you encourage your husband to speak to somebody.

Getting people to admit that they need help is a bloody hard task and constantly trying to chip away at the issue often leads nowhere. Take care of yourself first and him second for yours, your kids' and your husband's sakes. 

Pat.

[Carmela]

Hi Toya,

You are doing a great job under difficult circumstances.  As a partner it is difficult to understand what is going through their head and maintaining some normality in the household and relationship.  As much as we want to help or fix the problem, it is our partners’ responsibility to admit there is a problem and want to fix it.  We can only gently encourage recovery and provide hope where they may not see it. 

I have found the following advice very useful which l located on a post relating to a matter like yours. It is a copy and paste from that post.  I hope it helps.

• Don’t push your loved one into anything they don’t want to do. They’ll only pull away and have a negative opinion on trying anything new. 
• Only LIGHTLY encourage them to do certain things. E.g. fitness. Over encourage and again they'll withdraw.
• Don’t force them into talking about their ‘problems’. They don’t want to talk about them, because they’re their problems and they don't want you to have to deal with them too. They will talk to you when/if they're ready.
• They will withdraw from family and friends. Again they don’t want to burden all of you with their problems.
• They feel very guilty for having depression because of the effect it has on their loved ones.
• Remind them that you love them every day and give them hugs. I KNOW BOYS HATE HUGS! But a human being needs 14 hugs each day!
• DO A LOT OF RESEARCH. The more you know as a mother/father/sibling/friend/partner about what your loved one is going through, the more YOU understand!
• Most importantly! Be very patient with them. They're struggling a hell of a lot! But it’s very important for them to take their time and only chip away at new things. 

[Toya]

Thank you sooo much for the replys , unfortunately things haven't really changed, actually I think things have gotten worse, 

thank you pay for your reply yes you are spot on with getting help for myself I have being a wreak these last couple of days , I have started talking to a real close friend about what I'm going thru and his advice was to let him be maybe that's what he really wants but feels he can't because of the kids , I don't wanna make him feel like his stuck here with me cause of the kids no one should feel stuck in a relationship cause to unhappy parents won't make a happy home for the children , deep down I love him still but the more he treats me like a nobody the more my love for him thins  and it's sad. I really need to focus on myself and the kids right now coz it feels like I'm on a clock , Just waiting for him to say to me his finally leaving for good 😞 even tho I no it's selfish of me to say this but I don't know if I could put my feelings aside to still be there for him as a friend, coz it will hurt me to think that I was just a friend in his head 

but thank you's again for the replie.